Highschool . 

It was a time when I was insecure, when I first started to get into this mess of my life. I starved, I didn't sleep, I overworked...I abused myself. It was a time when I gave my first kiss to a kid who really didn't care. And after that I put on a mask. I didn't trust people, I strayed away from them. I was swimming in my anorexia and insomnia.

"I’m afraid
So pathetic
I’m so afraid
In the end, will you leave me too?
So I’m putting on a mask to go see you"

I drowned myself in distractions. Cello. School. My appearance.  At least I'm not drinking or doing drugs, I told myself. At least I'm working hard for something that matters. But now that I think back- was it really better? Was all of that suffering, those exposed ribs, and heavy eye-bags...were those worth it? Was it really better than drinking away my issues?

"You know that I can’t
Show you me
Give you me
I can’t show you my weakness
So I’m putting on a mask to go see you
But I still want you"

I suffocated in insecurity and self-doubt. There was a time when I was better. I was happier, prouder, a little heavier too. And then again, a friend left, and just like that they dissolved into a collection of memories that I took for granted.I exhausted myself. I didn't sleep, knowing there was something waiting for me when I closed my eyes. I was physically exhausted, mentally exhausted, and emotionally tired. 

I found myself an escape. A person who really seemed to care. And they, too, ripped away from me like fingertips against fire. I was repulsive. I wasn't even beautiful under a mask. My lips on theirs wasn't enough. My hand clasped on theirs wasn't enough. My grades weren't enough. My body wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

"A flower that resembles you
Blossomed in this garden of loneliness
I wanted to give it to you
As I take off this stupid mask

But I know
This can’t go on forever
I must hide
Because I’m ugly"

I covered myself in blankets of expectations that I pretended to meet. I was perfect. At least, on the surface I was. Under those bandanges were split fingers. Under those baggy hoodies were ribs, with skin held firmly against the bone. Under the concealer were purple bags. I could hide it. Under the covers of my books were drops of blood from staying up too late. Under my bright cheeks were tear stains. Under my smiling lips was the tongue of a liar.

I was fine. I was okay.

I wasn't fine. I wasn't okay.

"What I can do is
To make a pretty flower
That resembles you
Blossom in this garden, in this world
Then breathe as the person you know
But I still want you
I still want you"

I draped myself in my self-hatred, protecting the small vulnerable person that I am. And I don't know how, or when, but somebody tore those curtains down and ripped off my mask, and for once, looked me right in the eyes and saw the tiny, shrivieled part of me that I hated. That I covered. And they loved me for it.  

I still want to cover myself. But maybe, for once, I just want to show my face. Show the part of me that I covered up for so long. I want to let that part breathe fresh air again.

I want to breathe fresh air again.

"Maybe back then
If I had just a little more
Courage
And stood before you
Would everything be different now?

I’m crying
At this sandcastle
That’s disappearing
And breaking down
As I look at this broken mask
And I still want you

But I still want you
But I still want you
And I still want you"