it has been a while since I posted anything about my traumas, or maybe got into the details of it. But I think it is time that I should talk more openly about it now. First, I just wanted to say that I am not doing this for getting attention or for people to feel pitty for me, because that's wasteless and I would be ashamed of myself if i did so. This is just be more open, because I do not know how my life will be now.

You see, it's not as easy as I thought it would be in the start when this whole begun. There is difference between having traumas, having bad memories and not being able to forget certain moments, which i realized because it's different. Look at it like this: trauma is a virus. Traumas is an evil little virus that comes when you go through experiences, it effects you. Not your memory or just your past, but it effects you emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. It basically effects everything that makes you who you are. The surgery was really horrible, I write SMFT which is basically a boy getting on daily basic but for real; I never knew that after going through it myself, it would be this weird to know that i have written for 2 years about the same topic without even going through it.

I have been through lots of surgeries before, i have been in hospital before, i have been in the emergency room before and i have been bleeding alot before. but i really didn't know i would be this hurt. when I was around 3, i ripped off the bottom of my ear and had it sewed on again, i have broken many bones and almost drowned a couple of times because of epliepsy. but it has never bothered me or effected me.

The traumas is the worst thing that i have been through. Please do never think I am overreacting when I say it was . Because through that one surgery; I both felt and treated like people who have been as felt and been treated. I didn't have pants in me, which meant that there was nothing covering my bottom part. there was a snake forced further and further inside for 3 hours, I laid in my own piss, I had to stay at home for a week and couldnt walk or sit for 5 days because of the pain. I was embarrassed and wasn't treated like a human.

they put gassed water inside me to get further, my eyes hurt for two weeks from the crying. it was a nightmare, and you can't imagine it. and don't try to do it either.

if i should explain to you how it is for me to go through my traumas lately, imagine this; i am a cliff, as i get worse, the distance from the cliff and the bottom get bigger and bigger. when i have a good day, it means that i haven't been through any seizures, but if i get something as mere as someone slightly brushing their hand or something against my thigh or up to my troso, it ruins my day and i fall straigh down to the bottom of the cliff and hit the ground, where there is filled with traumatic memories and pictures from the surgery.

and it takes weeks for me to climb up to the top of the cliff again. if i get brushed again, i fall down again. and i havent got even gotten to start climbing again, thats how bad my traumas has been lately.

today, i met my psycolog again after not having appointments for a while. And i really did need it, it helped me a lot but now i am scared. she told me that i am so bad right now, that the traumas have gotten to far.

so basically; i am going to be sent to a trauma specialist now. I really can't live with traumas.

my dream is to be an author for sake, i cant be scared to have body contact. if SMFT will be as successful in real life as it is on AFF, I will be on that level that i can finally travel around the world and have fan signs. I'll meet all those saviors that made it possible for me, how can i have traumas when i am going to be with all of those i care so much about? i can't live like this, i am sorry to say it but if i wouldn't have written on SMFT, i might not have existed. its hard living a life like i do even if it might not look like it. but like, i still can't give up now.

so yeah, i am going to a specialist with the traumas now.

love from amanda <3