I was doing a school project and we were free to choose our topic, so because I was almost running out of time I chose the first thing I thought of, which is, strangely, depression. Hmm...okay. Then I'm looking up the risk factors, and found out that abuse is one factor of it. Okay. Then I decided to look in more, then discovered that there are a few types of abuse, like physical abuse (obviously), emotional abuse (such as neglect), and verbal abuse.

Wait.

I mean, I've been put down by my mom, but abuse? Really? So I decided to look up more. Well, guess what?

"Verbal abuse (also known as reviling, "verbal bullying", verbal violence or verbal assault/battery) is described as a negative defining statement told to the victim or about the victim, or by withholding any response, thereby defining the target as non-existent," says Wikipedia.

At least twice everyday, I get called stupid, useless or "bodoh" (also means stupid) by my mom. I'm a clumsy person, and I'm a little bit slow at doing things, and I often do it wrong. So, I think I deserved that name.

But wait.

I looked up a few tests and assessments and did them, and the results are alarming.

I've been verbally abused by my own mother for almost 4 years.

I can't really remember the first time she called me that, but once she started, she never stops. Every day, I dread the moment she comes back from work. I dread the times she order me to do something, because for sure, how hard I try, I will never reach her standards, and proceed to be called "stupid". I have talked back a few times, and she just continues on talking about how useless, how worthless I am. In her eyes, I am never a good daughter. She compares me to her friend's daughter, a few years younger than me, someone I don't even know. She keeps belittling me, degrading me, until just yesterday, I had enough.

I told her to go to hell. (Go die, the literal translation from Mandarin)

The moment I said it out, she slapped me and told me to apologize to her, and I did immediately. And I know it's not right to tell my mother that, and that it's unfilial, I'm probably going to hell because of that, but I'm not sure if I regret my words. I've been holding up with her for too long, and I'm hurt badly inside.

Now people might say that "oh you're overreacting, you're in the wrong side of course she'd scold you", yes of course I am wrong, but I can no longer tolerate this feeling of hurt. It has damaged my self esteem, confidence, interpersonal skills, and my mental health. I've had enough, really.

I feel sorry towards her, of course, and I know I'm wrong, but now with that research, I'm pretty sure it's abuse, and she won't listen to me. Everyone else is siding with her, they say I'm wrong, I'm immature, I'm hurting her feelings. But they don't know that she has hurt my feelings too! They only see my results, they onlt see my clumsiness, they only see what I have done to please them, to become who they wanted me to be. They don't see the seventeen-year-old-teen struggling every day to meet their expectations, to breathe against the creaks, to desperately find a will to live on.

I'm tired of this monotonous life, and I'm tired of people belittling me, calling me useless.

I even start to believe their words, that I'm indeed useless.

I'm hurt beyond pain, so I numb everything out and live on without feelings.

I'm no longer the old me.

So tell me, do I need help?

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