My most recent instagram post. I have no idea why I'm leaving this here. Maybe because I know there's some people here who might want to know....

14-01-18[4 pictures of my cut hand and the healing process]

A long overdue post.... maybe the explanation can wait?

16-01-2018[Edit]
I thought I'd talk about it when I was ready to talk about it, but right now, at this moment, I realize, I'll never ever be ready. I'll never be ready to face reality, to accept he's gone.
I just came back from his ig page and I saw only 4-5 photos and I can't even take that much. As I write this, I'm crying so much my vision is blurred. I don't know what I'm saying but things need to be said. You guys have seen me for a while now and been by my side. you deserve to know. You deserve to know our story, of what he meant to me and why I'm so broken, crying out loud at 4am when its already been 28 days since he left.

2017, in the end of July... I was reading a chanbark fic... my first ever chaptered exo fic. chapter 1... I see a name "Shinee's Jonghyun". I was new to Kpop... getting to know exo... I got curious. I Googled his picture. I thought he was not so pretty. I forgot about him.

2017, early September. Again I was reading a fic. Hey brother. I watched the trailer. The background music... it was somewhat magical. I fell in love. I searched up the song, saved it offline in spotify. but I couldn't listen to it... because I needed to stream The War. Exo was always the more important one.
So I'd wait... for when the power would be out, wifi would be down... and I'd listen to moon on loop... for hours even.

2017, mid September. One night I'm too sick of streaming and I need a break. I can't think of any artist because I don't know any(back then I didn't listen to any non-exo Kpop). But then I remember, I know Jonghyun. So I search up his album "She is" on spotify. I listen to all of the songs. I love all of the songs.
But I never ever listen to them again, because he's not exo. I don't want to love his music. I don't want to love him. 
But I can't get away from moon. It's a spell... and I'm spellbound.

Time goes on. I sometimes see his picture here and there. I sometimes Google it myself. I even save a picture one day and show it to my best friend. I think he looks very handsome with white hair. But I tell myself it's not him. I just like men with white hair in general. I refuse to notice him.

I refuse to love him. He's not exo. I don't want to love him.
No.
I'm a pure exo-l. I will not be called a multy. I will not love anyone other than exo.

2017-12-18, somewhere around 8pm.
I'm on youtube, doing something. I suddenly spot a video titled "Jonghyuns last ig post was a cry for help".
It's interesting because why do they say final? Did he quit using ig? I'll be mad if he does that because I follow him on ig even though he's not exo related. I open the video... It doesn't make much sense. I read the comments. All of them say RIP. RIP?

My hands are shaking. I'm typing "Shinee Jonghyun death".

Enter.

So many articles with so many different titles. First one is Wikipedia. Title "Kim Jonghyun 1990-2017".
No.
No...

It can't be. I open the first article. It explains everything. There's a big picture of him smiling. I can't finish reading. I don't care my parents will hear me in the next room. I cry out loud. Mom rushes in, wipes my tears, says... things... All of it is a blur. I still don't remember what exactly happened.
Later that night, I text 3 of my friends. they all offer me comforting words. They cry. I cry....
I've been loving him the whole time even though I refused to see it. I realize. I accept.

That night I cut his name on my skin hoping my bleeding hand will distract me from my bleeding heart. It doesn't.

For days... I keep crying. Guilt keeps eating me alive. Why didn't I tell him love him? What was I thinking? He died because he thought he wasn't good enough. Why didn't I ever tell him he was good enough? I killed him.
He'll never be on a stage again. He'll never sing again, or laugh... or breathe. He's 6 feet under the ground, all alone, eyes closed forever. I don't want to imagine what state he is in as I write this now. I did that to him.

I keep doing this and that to distract myself. Nothing works. Why would it? Deep down I know I've lost a huge part of myself. My heart doesn't flutter when I see exo. My eyes don't get teary when I hear them sing. I still love them, I know it. I could never not love them. But I've lost a huge part of my soul and I'm desperately looking for it. I need it back. I need to feel complete again.

I try.

There's been sleepless nights. There's been days in bed not eating, not talking, not doing anything. Just thinking...

Eventually it becomes less painful, less intense. I feel happy with exo again... nothing like before, but something is there. I'm glad it's there. And I believe everything's gonna be fine. I believe I'm fine. I believe I'm over it.

Except....

Here I am....

It makes no sense. It took me around 45 minutes to write all this, and I stopped crying somewhere. This, again, is a moment where I feel like I'm fine.
I had been lying to myself when he was here. I'm lying to myself right now.
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with these feelings.
But I did talk about it, because you deserved to know.

Goodnight everyone. May the lord fill all your lives with happiness.