Deserve No More

No I dont seek for attention. Jonghyun's death awake my courage to say something that I want to for a long time. I can't control my heart. I can't control myself when I know I'm easy to love. I hate it. My sister, my brother, my mom, said its disgusting when everytime topic about lesbians or gay's came out. They insulted the party which they didn't know including me as well.  I'm afraid to have conversation with people. Last time I told my friends that I'm not straight, they laughed out loud. They didn't day anything but keep laughing. Why? I am that bad though? I'm depressed with myself. I'm depressed knowing nothing I can do to fight for something I really wanted. I'm surrounded with so many good people but still, I'm feeling empty. Like, no one would ever understand me. I don't want to die yet but I don't know how to fight. How to find strength from God whom keep it like nothing as He watching me being hurt and in pain? I'm afraid if I reach for someone, I will lost them again. They will find me bored.I'm too narrow minded they said. I can't fit in with group of my classmates. My insecurity hold me from making friends and be open to everyone. I'm feeling so sorry for myself. I'm sorry because you read my blog but I didn't reply to your comments. I'm afraid. I don't want to have any other relationship although just friends. I think I'm destined to be all alone. 

 

 

 

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taenyeverywhere #1
Its okay if you feel like you dont want to close to us
knowing that you still want to live is good enough :)

I don't know if my word will make you feel better or not, but i just want to remind you that there will be always the time when we feel really down and theres time we feel like we are the happiest human in world.
when you're in your down time like this, don't give up. I don't know you or who is your friend or family but every human in this world have atleast a person that can understand little bit or maybe whole of your struggle. And if you have that person, dont ever let it go.

I can understand all of your struggle, i really am. Because i've been there before. Im not lying.

if you can't ease your pain or problems with people, then you have to find something that can distract you even for awhile (i use music,game,spending time with friends to distract myself)
But dont ever get yourself into something that really bad like drugs alcohol etc

you dont want to take another risk of hurting if you find another person to love, i agree with you because we dont want to feel pain.
but dont be scared till you have to shut every connection with other people. And if you happen to find someone new, dont be afraid to try again.
because the more pain we receive, the more we will be stronger and it will help us to decide things for ourselves

I can only help you with this and i hope that things will get better for you
and you can finally find someone that can accept you just the way you are
have a good day, god bless you
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