How I wish, I could be a boy. 

So she can see me here as someone, and I will have the chance to be with her. 

And I can say how much I like her in person. 

How I wish, I don't have any feelings at all. So I didn't fall in love again and again. 

Why this world so cruel to a person like me? 

Anything I did, all being said useless.  

They laughed at my dream. 

They underestimated me for being myself. 

And never ever, I could have a thing that I really wanted. 

They said love will always win. They said money can't buy love. They said love is beautiful. 

I hate the fact that love only mean hurts to me. 

How I wish, I could go and stand up in front of her and say "I like you so much and I want to be with you," 

I don't like this feeling. 

It's torturing because she never notice me even for a moment. 

She walks with her friends,  laugh and smile with them. But when I came close, she seems not comfortable and don't even look at me.  

Mostly people said I'm good looking. Because of my boyish style and my Chinese look. But for her I think I'm not attractive at all. 

My heart flutters when she smiled but it was not for me. She laughed and had fun only with her friends. I'm even more hurt watching from afar she attaches well with that player boy in our class.  

I asked what he had that I don't have? 

Many people know he is a player. He tried so many pretty girls already. 

But she seems okay with that. 

Now I realized, I have nothing. And he had everything. Indeed, he is a boy and she is a girl. If they have feelings for each other, nothing wrong,  right? 

The truth is,

I'm the one wrong here. 

I am a girl who like a girl. 

It's big sin. 

In Islam, there's no place for a gay person like me in heaven. And I'll be throw into the hell eternally. 

Just because my sin is, had fallen in love with girl, the same gender as mine. 

Just because I was born against nature. 

Just because I like to dress like a boy. 

Just because I love girl secretly and praying I could say anything I want and having her as the partner of life. 

Just because of my heart, which I don't know the reason why I'm always attracted to girls, my life here will be wasted and I live for nothing. 

Should I just die instead then? 

If God is really listening and watching, is there anything He can do to change my heart and instinct? Rather than letting myself doing this terrible sin? 

If there's is really no place for a  person like me in heaven, could He just shorten my current life and throw me directly into the hell? 

So the pain I'm feeling will be less more. 

Does anybody living the same as me? 

 A girl who had been hiding her uality for years, survived for more than two decades, who had been insulted so many time because of being a tomboy and always keeping a secret about a girl that she like from anyone else? 

I am the only this kind of person living in this Earth? 

Does anyone understand what I'm feeling now?

Does anyone has the answer for my questions? 

Does anyone know how to ease the pain other than just keep thinking about God and the law? 

Isn't die is the best way? 

Isn't it?