25/12/17
Recently i become so depressed. I dont know what had happened to me. I feel like im sick. And nothing can help me. "Friends" keep asking me if im okay.. i cant help but to smile and say tht it's okay. I want to tell them its not okay but i worried they will judge me. Just who am i to them tht they want to care so much about me? Am i deserved to.be cared? Am i deserved "are you okay ? Why you look so sad" such word. Im not putting an act. I being like this bcoz of myself. My attitude. My mind .my depression. I dont even know myself nowadays. Sometimes i was soo happy tht i laugh so much with my friend.somtimes i cried when i tried to sleep. Sometimes i keep thinking about the old times when i was such a happy girl working at mph."tell us if you have problem.if i could i would help u"this such word is such lie. If i told them would they solve my problem?nothing gonna change if i told them. But the problem here is . I dont even know my problem. I dont even understand why i being like this.thing keep getting worst after i feel tht i hurt her. I dont know why i feel tht way. Maybe bcoz i feel tht friend is precious to me. But someone said to me" dont care about her"
Angry. Sad .confuse . Why they said that to me? I feel like tht is such cruel word .i live for 18 years with this " alone" feeling. With "being ignored feeling" and thing getting worst when my family life turn upside down. (Thats another story). Living with this feeling i started to think that maybe i better live alone. Survive alone. But no matter wht i do.. no matter what i said to myself tht its okay to be alone... i feel soo hurt deep down in my heart. Im trying to fight with my inner voice tht tell me to give up.just die.you are not worthy. U deserved to be alone. Im struggling to win. But i fall.  I hurt myself. The laughing echo in my head."why she trying hard? She is not gonna win.. just die already. Shejust wasting her time.is she crazy?" I feel like soo many people keep saying this to me when i was totally broke down.i tried to get up but my heart say no.they keep laughing and until now i still fall down with a slight hope tht someone will give me her hand and help me get up. Someone tried to reach me. Someone tried to take my hand. "They will not help you. They just faking it"bcoz of this word i fisted my hand not wanting to hold her .and because of that.. i cried.. i and i feel like giving up.

Do read if u want.. and im sorry for my grammar.. i just need to write this .