i just need someone to talk.  but idonno who i should talk to . so decided to tell my own thought through this.
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my parent get divorced like 4/5 month ago. 

sometimes , i dont even understand why they get divorced ? it it because misunderstanding ? lack of attention ? love? 
whenever i ask them why both of you separated , they always answer that it's their fate . fate that made our family like this . wait ? is family a right word ? seem like i dont have one. after my parent divorce , my relationship with my father is really bad . evry ing day we keep argueing . until we had reached limit , so we started to ignore each other. our relationship bcome far apart. 

i dont even know what i did to him until he hate me that much .day after day i keep thinking tht he really hate me . so eventually i started to hate him too. people keep saying tht , ''the one who raise you is your dad so dont hate him , the one who care about you is your dad so dont hate him '' like seriously ? he dont even care about me.always with his hp 24 hrs.he didnt even go to work .he didnt even care about me when i had fever ,heck he even left me alone at clinic..but he still give me food , money for school . but.. .being a father is not how he give us food , money , it is about how you care about us .how you show your love toward us. but sometimes , idont even know why when i look at him from afar , i started to cry . its ing pain in my heart when i look at him . 

as you know , i live with my father instead of  mom . but sometimes , i meet her on weekend . but whenever i want to meet her , i really cant tell to dad that i want to meet her . i dont know why . whenever i want to say '' dad , im going out with mom '' i get really uncomfortable . stuttering . fidgeting myself. so i always lied to him and sometimes get out secretly without his knowing. i know that i'm the one who made mistake here but , i am really scared . im scared that he will hit me like he hit my mother . im scared that he will yell at me like he did to my mother. im ing scared. seem like i get traumatized. 16 years i live with my parent who always fight, abuse , slap , yell ,scream . i just get used to it .when i was kid , like 10-11 yrs old , my brother always with me when they fight. he will keep telling me story ,play games  make me happy so that i didnt cry . we used to play games together like '' sdo-x , dota ''he will keep teach me how to play till i sleep next to him . from that time , i feel like the only one who care about me is my brother.but that is old story and seem like it will never happen again because he always with his work and girlfriend.  
 
when i met my mother , she always said that she need help ,she need money to pay for her car , she need house to stay. so she ask me a favour to ask my father if if she can stay in my house . how im supposed to ask ? how im supposed to talk to him ? HOW? i cant even say '' dad i wanna hangout with friend '' and you ask me to ask him a favour? so i just said . i cant help . and she said that i no longer love her . heck . i love both of you . dont you know how frustrated i am to see you struggle yourself ? did you know how much tears i had shed when i see you crying , asking for help when you get hit by him . did you know that i run like a crazy and ask for help   and trust me i dont even want to go back at that time again. and that incident still haunting me evryday . i tried to ask money from my brother but he seem like didnt care about his mom . i tried to persuade him to help her  but he just didnt care . she is my mother. our mother . dont you feel pity at her ? the more i ask , the more he raise his voice at me .it was the first time he raise his voice at me. the first time. and the incident haunt me that night . 

im hurt . im ing hurt.

i feel like nobody understand me.nobody is on my side . nobody understand what i feel . so because ot that everyday i locked the door ,leaned against the wall ,hit my fist on the wall till bleed , knock my head on it, to let out my depression ,anger .i keep crying and let out my tears evernight . nobody hear me cry but i wish someone will hear it and comfort me.hug me  and understand wht i feel. my heart is really in pain . ing pain . to the point that i want to self harming myself.to the point tht i want to commit suicide.nowdays, they keep hurting me , and i m tired to endure it alone . so i decided to hurt myself. after i did that i regret (act no ) , but .. they keep ripping my heart and i can't stop doing this. and i wish somebody just stop me from doing this to myself.

''im tired .just let me have a rest''

i share this because im tired to say that im okay when im ing not.
i share this because im tired to endure this pain alone.
i share this because i want someone to give me advice .. and tell me
that everything gonna be okay. 

-aiden