Hey everyone! So my finals ended today and I finally had enough time to write this out, so even though it's a few days late, here it is. I'm not sure what I want to say, but I wanted to put my thoughts into the world. If you are not comfortable about this, please do not read this! 

When I first heard that a Shinee member had committed suicide, my mind went straight to Onew, and I was terrified. Then I checked soompi, and it was Jonghyun. It didn't make things any better, and instead I felt even worse for thinking that Onew would even dare. 

Instantly, my heart dropped. I'm sure everyone felt that way. Most of us loved Shinee and Jonghyun. A lot of kpop fans were introduced to kpop during their debut era. Even as I'm writing this, I can feel my hands slightly shaking and I'm not sure what I want to say anymore. It still hurts and it's still hard to believe that he's really gone. He was an amazing human being who stood up for others, loved the people in his family and fans, and just cared so much about others. He just couldn't do the same for himself. It's absolutely disheartening that he had been thinking of suicide for a really long time and he didn't even let it show to his fans and the public because he cared too much about our feelings. He made sure that he wouldn't leave anything open. He waited till everything for the others was over for the year, but he couldn't handle it any longer. Honestly, I don't blame him after reading the letters, but I wish that he could've gotten freedom from his pain while he was still alive. I wanted to see him truly free from his pain and be happy without the small part of his brain nagging at him. 

Even if I don't blame Jonghyun, I do blame the so-called psychiatrist. Depression is not a "voice" inside one's head. That's called schizophrenia. And even then, it's not okay. No matter what, mental illness is not okay. So many people suffer from this and why the hell did the person get a degree in psychology (clearly a PhD) only to say depression is a voice. What did that person do with years in school? I'm a psychology minor and I know better. And then there's the police. The call was made at 4. How did it take them two hours to find Jonghyun when it takes max 10 minutes to use the phone's GPS? Even if he was found a few minutes earlier, he would've been alive. He could've gotten proper treatment. If not in Korea then outside of Korea like Europe or North America. 

It's absolutely digusting that people have to die in countries like Korea for change to happen. EunB and Rise had to give up their lives for driving laws to be implimented for idols. Are they still followed? Who knows. Are they enforced? Who knows. And now that Jonghyun has passed away, people are suddenly starting bringing mental illness as well. Why weren't these people bringing it up earlier when so many idols clearly stated that they have mental illnesses? Lee Joon has bipolar disorder. How many people talked about that? Countless idols have depression and insomnia along with anxiety. Were they ever given any care in that area? No. Because they're job is to be always happy. And when they're not, they're considering to be ungrateful. Well guess what? The people saying that crap are the ones who are ungrateful. 

Ugh I'm sorry this post turned into a rant but I'm not going to change it.

As for Jonghyun, he was a bright, shining, bling bling angel and the only difference is that he's the same but in the heavens. No matter where he is (depending on what you believe), he is doing amazing. He's going to be looking over everyone and making sure that we aren't sad. He wouldn't want us to be sad. He would want us to laugh and remember the happy memories with him. He worked so goddamn hard and so passionately in everything that he did. He made everyone around him happier. He made everyone laugh. He was an honest, geninue, caring and loving man and that's how we will all remember him. He may not be physically with us, but he will forever live on in our memories. 

He really did well.

Please, whenever you can, remind your favorite idols of the same. They need to hear it. Tell your friends and family the same. One kind word can truly go a long way. And don't be afraid to get help when you need it. Be kind to everyone and spread love all around.

Let's smile from now on.