Hello,

I haven't gone online here in a long time. I nearly forgot about this place already. Here I met friends that I was able to share my interests with and also I was able to consider family... though we have all lost contact already. I remember all the fond memories chatting on this website with amazing people that were kind and helpful. Today... I came back hoping that I would find someone that I can talk to because I've had quite a horrible evening. It's currently 3:31 am but I'm still awake because I can't keep my emotions at bay. So I decided to vent here a little bit.

You see... I have someone I love a lot. I consider him my boyfriend and he considers me his girlfriend but officially it's like we're not a couple at all because we've never gone on a date or met outside as a couple. Why is that did you ask? That's because I have strict parents. They don't know I have someone I love deeply and no matter how many timestudents I've thought that I should come out and tell them I love someone, I cower back into my shell where I feel safe.

Our relationship is almost 5 years now and we only talk on kakao. We don't meet and sometimes we just see each other maybe once or twice a year at my college and that's it. 

Tonight, he finally told me that he's tired of this relationship that we have... he said he can't do it anymore... he said it's not healthy for him... and that we should break up. 

He asked to see me in a few weeks and said that if I'm able to, he'll continue being with me because he said he's the happiest when we're together not just talking on kakao. 

It hurts so much that he has told me this. But I was also already expecting it... I always knew I'm incompetent and unworthy to be his girlfriend... I was never a girlfriend at all... but i love him... I love him so much... that although he told me to just forget about what he said and forget the conversation we had tonight, I won't forget... I've already been shattered. 

I've been very depressed lately because life has not been kind to me this year... I've suffered so much. He's been my strength to keep going. He's been the light that I chase to keep on living and fighting but tonight I saw that light dim to almost complete darkness. Once that light completely fades away, I don't think I can fight any longer. My inner demons, they've been waiting to take over and consume me... and when my last spark of hope is gone... the void that has slowly grown within me will finally eat me up and I won't be able to stop it.