Disclaimer: ranting incoming and know that these are my opinions and thoughts so excuse any writing mistakes etc

Oh man, I don’t know where to start. I will be spilling out a bunch of things cause things are starting to resurface. So excuse me, if things are all over the gah damn place.

With the recent release of Jonghyun’s suicide note, I really needed to make this cause this made my blood boil. I never usually pop off like this but when I have personally known people who have taken their own life, and myself, who is dealing with her own demons, this just-

angers me.

The doctor that JH talks about in his note.

“They told me to find out why I hurt.

I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.

Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I have done nothing wrong.”

“When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy.’

It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.” -— Jonghyun (Suicide Letter)

Start this politely as possible, sorry not sorry but this doctor. As someone who is aiming to be in the medical field, this makes me rage. It’s repulsive. Regardless if you are a psychologist, family doctor, etc, any doctor who studies medical diseases, SHOULD know that depression is a real thing. And it isn’t a state of mind either. It goes beyond that and affects overall health, and it could happen to anyone. These “feelings” can come from internal or external factors. And if someone is coming to you for PROFESSIONAL help, you don’t in’ tell them to figure out their problems themselves.

Even testing into medical schools and IN COLLEGE, specifically, in America, there is a behavioral section that has been HEAVILY enforced in the recent years. You know why? Because behavioral issues and problems exists, and doctors need to understand and read the patient. This applies to doctors telling their patient if they have cancer, or have an STD, even getting their leg removed. It is important that doctors, even speciality doctors to be able to connect with the patient and their state of mind, so there isn’t much “damage” to their psychology, because yes, psychological effects, do affect the physical and physiological parts of your body.

So, seeing how this doctor treated JH, makes my blood boil. And sadly, this isn’t just in JH’s case, either. This applies to most Asian doctors. As someone who is Asian American, I have heard it all. In Asia, mental illness and health isn’t taken seriously. In fact, they think it’s a joke. I have people in my family, and my friends’ Asian families, say the same thing: “It’s all in your mind. You are imagining things.” Oh, and my personal favorite, “You aren’t working hard enough, that’s why you are thinking such things.” And when you come out to say that you have a mental disorder, you can bet your , they will call you a disgrace.

My friend’s boyfriend, tried to kill himself when he was studying abroad, last year in China. My older brother’s best friend from high school, hung himself, after coming out to his family; and the stress and external factors from his family was too much for him to handle. The same root of it all, Asian society doesn’t value mental health, specifically the older generation. It is so sad to say, because I suffer from this too. It is stupid that people think that mental health isn’t a big deal. And I admit it was only this year was when I realized my own demons; and that “late” response, comes from the mental training as a kid. This truly needs to be a change within Asian society and honestly, everywhere; to understand that mental health isn’t child play. It’s important and there should be VALID and HELPFUL resources for it.

Now, onto the the next part of JH’s note, where the doctor said that people have it worse than you and essentially saying, ‘you have everything, why are you feeling this way?’ And to this is I say again, this doctor. Again, I personally had someone in my life, that I valued very much, who had taken his life with a bullet. He was a well-known dentist in my state, specifically in the Vietnamese community. And you can say, he had everything. The perfect boyfriend of 17 years, amazing friends, families, and the money. He was a multi-millionaire that drove expensive cars and lived in a mansion. However, despite the money and “fame”, he was quite a humble man. He was selfless and give back to others, without a second thought for himself. He was just like JH, always smiling and happy. The life of the party, you can say. March 10, 2013, my older brother received a call from their friend, telling him that their friend had taken his life. The reasoning behind him taking his life, was similar to JH. ‘Never good enough’ and ‘I have “nothing”’. He and his boyfriend of 17 years, broke up over financial problems, as well as relationship problems, due to the “other guy”, a week prior to his passing. He had everything, and then lost it, so that must be the reason why he made this decision. No. His mental state had been that “way”, even when he had everything. He carried that burden and never spoke about it to anyone. And once, things started to get out of control, he couldn’t take it.

The doctor, one, was wrong for telling JH that he should figure it out himself. Second, it was ing wrong to blame him for feeling this way and saying that JH’s should be happy because he is successful. Even the most happiest, successful, hard working individuals, are suffering and battling their own fights. Like what I have always preached: the surface of what you see of the book, isn’t what it plays out to be. The story that is brewed under the cover and after the first few chapters, it is telling a different story. Don’t think that people who are successful aren’t suffering too. Look at YouTubers, movie actors, and even your peers. We, are all going through something, whether its big or small. At the end of the day, we are all human. Even if you have a fat wallet or not, there is always an internal battle with yourself. And I am not saying, that those who truly don’t have anything, aren’t valued. But in the context of things, and saying that success and wealth shouldn’t make you depress?! That is completely ing wrong!

One last thing, before I finish this, with everything that has been happening and my own personal issues, this is hitting home with me a lot. As someone who is considered “successful” among my family and friends, and my community, I ain’t that perfect. I have only come to terms with myself this year, after realizing that this, has been going on for years. So, no, I can personally say that success can make you happy but doesn’t guarantee it.

Overall, after ranting, I am feeling a bit more calm. I will say this for myself and to others too, you are truly not alone. There are people who are more than willing to offer an ear to you. And know that, despite that group of people who think that you’re crazy or who are just-

being ignorant, know that you and I are under the same sky and stars, along with others who do understand. So please, talk to someone if you need to talk. And if someone wants to talk to you about their problems, I ain’t telling you that you have to do it, but having your arms open and offering that “hello, let’s talk or how are you?” can truly make a difference.

And I will say it again here too.

Jonghyun, I am sorry that you had to go through this alone. I am sorry that your life had to be taken, in order for people of your industry, and whole world, to see that this is a problem. I am sorry that the doctor was an asshat and doesn’t deserve the title of an M.D. or D.O. This will push me harder to work hard to be that change in the medical industry.

Thank you Jonghyun, again. The amount of thanks and tears can never bring you back, but know that your legacy will live on through us. I hope that are watching over us, to see the changes that we and you, have planned to see. Rest in peace, Kim Jonghyun.

im done. thank you for reading.