I have barely begun to accept the fact that I'll never hear him sing live in person, listen to him talk about his upcoming solo comeback, never see him smile again on stage giving lots of love and hope to others around. I found out a few hours after the news came to be that he had died. I didn't want to believe that someone I looked up to, could relate to, and held in such high regard as a person, who showed strength when times were rough.....suddenly passed away. It hurt to go on his Instagram and see his last post. His eyes looked empty, like he was extremely exhausted mentally. I cried for hours once the twitter posts of his picture shown on an altar were shared. I still don't want to believe such a beautiful soul is gone. 

He was someone I was truly inspired by because of how he worded his music. Now as I listen to his songs I'm starting to understand Jonghyun may have been struggling since the very beginning. It got worse over time. Depression is a never ending cycle of uncontrollable pain for some. I myself am very open to feeling lonely and have many self doubts. Even if you have a great support system of friends and family like he did, you can still feel like no one is listening or noticing what's wrong. Sometimes you yourself dont understand what youre feeling or why. It just hurts. He was also very open about how felt during promotions and activities throughout his career. What I can't get over in my head is why......why do the best of people have to leave this world too soon. 

I feel bad for the rest of shinee, they lost more than a friend they lost a brother. His sister and his mom whom he took great care of. I never cried so much about someone dying before only my own brother over a decade ago was the last time I truly felt grief. His death, the letter he left us to see......even in death his words were powerfully overwhelming to read. I don't shame or fault him for this. He wanted peace, he was tired of feeling stressed by a dream of doing what he loved turning into a tortuous nightmare. The pressure the self doubt he was trying so hard to overcome those feelings.

Why...him....I can't be selfish during a time like this. All I can do is hope that our Bling bling Jonghyun's soul is finally at peace.

Thank you Kim Jonghyun for expressing yourself to the fullest bringing hope and wiping the tears off our faces with your kind words and beautiful soulful music. You will be greatly missed but always loved. You worked really hard, don't be sorry for you did the best you possibly could.

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