I was listen to LOVE song by SHINee when the news broke out.

Yesterday was stressing, depressing and the most brokenheart day in my life as a Shawols.

SHINee is the reason why I am into Kpop, you guys, the reason on why my life seems brighter and happier for the past years.

SHINee will always stay as 5 in my heart.

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

It was shocking, it was hard to accept the truth that now you’re part of the star in the sky up there. In the Diamond Sky.

So many thoughts across this mind on why and how. But again, I remember that you used to said that you’re having this illness. The Depression, its the incurable one. The dark thoughts that creeps and kills you unconsciously. The anxiety, insecurity of the imperfect things that never planned as you wish for, I guess?

I understand that even patience has it owns limit and so does negative things. It take a toll on you, right? It must be so hard  and too much for you to cope up and try to stand strong on no matter what the situation, until you decided to leave your family. To leave us.

Yesterday, this breath was hitch, it was cut off when I heard the news. Body was shaking so bad, fingers can’t explain how much it keep trembling for the next hours. Trying so hard to not cry a mess, trying so hard to accept the truth. There’s a slight of a wishful thinking, that maybe there’s this 1% of chance. But your body was too tired to survive.

So many signs that you actually left to us but fail to notice. And as always, regrets came later after we lost you. I should’ve known something is not right when you look sad in your last concert. I should’ve pay more attention to your lyrics, there’s so many hidden messages there. I should’ve known when you said you want to rest by the end of this year.

The mask that you’ve been wear all this time finally it break into pieces.

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

Was it okay if I assuming that you’ve been waiting to do this after The Leader’s birthday passing by? So we could celebrate his happy day first, right…?

Was it okay if I want to be selfish for this one time? Wishing that this was all just a joke and april fools and dreams and we’re all wake up with a happy feelings and nothing bad ever happened?

Do you remember that you’re the one who said that its not SHINee if its not 5 members? Because we all do.

We all now losing and missing and mourning and I’m sorry for crying a mess because losing the precious you. I know that all you want just us to move on and remembering your good days, good memories. I was lucky I’ve met and watched you before and you were so happy those times.

Now,

How was up there, Jonghyun-ssi?

I wish now you’re happier. And could feel the real happiness like how I felt from all the love you gave.

You did live well down here, Jonghyun-ssi. You did so many good things that uncountable, even after the death too. The angels up there must be happy counting on your good deeds. Oh also, Shawols said that now you’re part of the angels too.

SHINee got 4 members and 1 angel they said.

SHINee will always be 5. And Shawols will always be there. We… will try our best to stay and stand strong.

On a side note, you guys, SHINee is the reason on why I am into Kpop. But again, I am okay if you guys decided to never had a comeback or even a disband. So there’d be no scars, hurts and regrets that haunting. And to live freely as you wish for, as long that makes you happy.

Even in the next life, The Leader wish if he could back as SHINee then he would like the same members to fill the post. If there’s an afterlife after this life, I wish that would happen with a more happy and no more dark thoughts consuming and killing you.

The love that we had is an unconditionally one.

Those happy days, those wishful thinking to stay 1000 years~ to always by your side. They’re now gather as one in a Diamond Sky. The beautiful sky where only SHINee and Shawols does exist as one. The beautiful green rain that came from and for our lives, will remain as a good memory, and will always be the most beautiful rain and ocean that I’ve ever take a part of.

Imma’ take a moment to breathe and let those sad and worry feelings to go,

Need to stay strong for the rest of the members, right?

Just like one of your song,

So goodbye, don’t cry and smile.

This is not a farewell, this is not a goodbye.

We will meet again someday, somewhere.

With love,

Dec 19th 2017. 

cross posted on my personal tumblr.

will take a hiatus for some times, please contact me on twitter: @556s_92