Today has been my worst birthday ever.

I love Shinee. I love all five of them, as a unit, as a band, as a family.

I got to know Shinee through their Hello Baby show and, to be honest, I didn’t like Jonghyun at first. He was too pushy and too attention seeking for my taste back then.

Yesterday... Yesterday I saw him as the epitome of the perfect man and I have for years. He was genuinely kind, he had a heart of gold, he was so incredibly talented. He had an amazing voice and amazing eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen eyes as amazingly kind as his. He wasn’t afraid to show his emotions and his vulnerabilities. He stood up for what he believed in and tried to protect those who needed protection.

He fought so hard until he could no longer keep fighting. It is absolutely devastating and it still feels like a nightmare. A bad fanfiction. An alternative reality. I am scared to wake up tomorrow. I am worried about the other members, each one of them.

I wish he could have seen all his songs at the top of the charts. I wish he could have seen the many fans who are telling him he did well. I wish he could have seen how much love we held for him, both as a singer, an idol, and a human being.

He was an inspiration to do more, be kinder, and love unconditionally.

Sometimes the brightest smiled hide the worst depressions. Rest in peace, Kim Jonghyun. You did so well and I am so proud of you for holding on so long. You made us all so proud.

If you struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Mental health issues are no joke, it’s not romantic, it’s not poetic. It’s a daily battle and it’s impossibly hard to fight on your own.

If you're in the U.S., reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or call 1-800-273-8255. If you're in the United Kingdom, reach out to the Samaritans organization or call them at 116 123 (UK or ROI). If you're in a different country, here is a list of international suicide crisis lines.