So. Sigh. I never thought the day would come when I would be writing this kind of post, but it has. And I'm utterly devastated. 

This morning, as I was on the way to work, I was told the news that SHINee's Jonghyun has passed away. He committed suicide by poisioning himself with Carbon Monoxide, in a hotel room, all alone. Words can't even describe the feeling that went through me when I read the headlines this morning. I'm still waiting for the reporters to turn around and say "oh, it's all a big lie!" I guess I was in a state of disbelief, of shock. I'm not going to lie, after I spoke to a few of my Shawol friends, I had a little bit of a cry in the bathroom at work. 

I'm so sad. I'm beyond sad, right now. Honestly, kpop was something I discovered at a time when I was a shell of myself. When I was too scared to walk outside my own house, when I couldn't sleep at night and would only sleep through the day, when I was convinced that I would never feel normal or right again. Kpop helped me do that. Kpop gave me something to focus on. For nearly 5 years - it will be 5 years in a few weeks - I have learned these songs that we all love, I've studied them, I've sang them, covered them, felt them like they were my own. I've done my best to pay tribute to them. 

SHINee have pretty much always been one of my favourite groups. I found Jonghyun very early on into my forrays into the genre, thanks to SM The Ballad, and he was my first male idol bias. His talent has always been something that has astounded me. He didn't seem like a real being. SHINee cheered my up when I was sad. SHINee helped coax me through my panic attacks. SHINee have continued helping me, every day since I found them, to heal, to build, to become the true Lauren that I see when I look in the mirror today. Their posters are on my walls. Their logo is on my shirts. Their albums and concert DVDs are on the bookshelf directly opposite my bed. What can I do now? When I walk into my room and see Jjong's poster staring back at me? Knowing that while him, Onew, Taemin, Key and Minho have helped me in such humungous ways, we couldn't help him? How lonely was he? 

I hope that one thing we can all take from this horrific news is that we need to treat our idols better. This whole "OMG OPPA IS DATING A GIRL!" scandal bull has got to stop, the petitions for removal from groups, the crazy suffocating so-called "love" that is inflicted on them needs to loosen. They need to live their lives, to be able to go out and get drunk and make a few stupid mistakes like we can. To go and find someone special and fall in love. To even be able to walk to their local damn supermarket without getting mobbed. It's not safe. It's not healthy. Imagine how much expectation is put on our boys, on our girls, as young as 5 - can we really say that this is right, that this is fair? After it's driven people to this end?

I'll leave this post with some lyrics from some of my favourite SHINee songs, ones that I have treasured and will continue to treasure, that really describe how us Shawol are feeling right now. Let's come together and rise above the sadness and grief and live strong and without regrets like he wanted us to.

"All the times I spent with you,
All the happy moments spent without knowing,
The streets I’ve walked till now,
The streets I’ve walked alone, crying and lonely,
You changed all of those things.
Now I finally know
The reason why this street in front of me is so beautiful." - The Reason

"I miss so much, it's unforgettable.
Come back to me." - Sleepless Night

"Even if it takes a thousand years,
always stay by my side." - 1000 Years, Always By Your Side

"Love, love, love
I am here
I am going to meeet you
Love has no borders" - LOVE