Trigger warning - suicide, death, mental illness
This is regarding Kim Jonghyun, please do not read if you are very sensitive to those topics

Heya, this post is a little more serious than my personal status related to writing or just music recommendation
Most of you must have already heard that Kim Jonghyun from SHINee has passed away today
For those of you who read my stories for a long while now might remember that my original blog name was JongKeyLover12
My first story ever posted here was a JongKey one shot since I've always been such a huge shinee fan so when my friend texted me today that Jonghyun has committed suicide, a man who I have always admired from the bottom of my heart - be it for his talent or wisdom, I felt like I couldn't breathe
Surely, she must be joking, was the first thought to cross my head 
Sadly, it wasn't someone's ill-mannered joke, it was the reality I have woken up to 
I want to speak a little about Kim Jonghyun - he was insanely talented
His voice was beautiful, capturing the attention of anyone who has ever listened to him
But it wasn't just his singing, it was what he wrote and expressed so well
The love, the sorrow, the grief
Along side his amazing work as a composer and song writer, he had a radio show where he talked about many things
One of those things was depression, mental illness, but in a more subtle way
I had nothing but respect because as the Korean society is so conservative, it was a topic usually frowned upon
Not many spoke about it, let alone supported the LGBT community which is, still, a pretty big taboo 
Ask any shawol you want, they'll all tell you Jonghyun was a crybaby and to me, I thought it was lovely
That despite everything, he expressed his sadness and showed his emotional side often
To think that beyond that, he hid more and more layers of sadness and pain that he wasn't able to share
I can't comment on it, how he chose to express or not express himself was his own decision and I can't say anything about feeling betrayed or something like that because, even as a fan, I have no right whatsoever to demand answers or complain
All I can do is send my support to him, hoping that he is with angels, showing off his beautiful voice
I want to support the members, who have suffered an enormous loss, his family that must be suffering so much
Nothing can compare to this pain of losing a loved one, it stays with you forever 

Now I doubt many if any people at all would read this, but still I want to say
Your tears, your sadness, your grief and pain are valid
Jonghyun was an incredible person and everything I've had in mind to say about him has been said by someone else
I cannot for the life of me imagine how people who adored Jonghyun much more than I do feel but I just want to remind you that while it is okay to feel sad and frustrated, to feel confused and struggle with dealing with it - don't forget to tak care of yourself
Sometimes the shock is so strong that people can't cope anymore, they can't find a way to handle it 
Please, please share this pain with someone, even with me, if you feel the need to talk
Don't neglect yourself, don't hurt yourself, don't blame yourself for not noticing
Try to breathe anddo something that will cheer you up
Jonghyun always, always talked about how important it is to remember you exist for a reason and to find happiness even in the saddest moments
Every moment of your life is beautiful, even if you're crying, yelling, hurting, those feelings are still part of you and while it might seem impossible, you'll have to embrace them and move on 

For me, personally, a good way to deal with this kind of... shock is to write about it
It helps me relax and collect my thoughts about everything and put it into words
I think that's what Jjong did as well, wrote his feelings on paper in hope for someone to notice his struggle
I hope that I am remaining respectful by writing and sharing this song with people who actually read it
Just know that while I wrote it mostly to calm myself down from crying, I still think a lot of people can relate
I didn't know Jonghyun personally but I believe the things he said - he meant them
So that's why... I want people to never forget what an amazing person he was
I am sending you my love and support, which might not be worth much but nevertheless I want you guys to know that I have no problem listening to you, talking to you, anything you need
I can't... change it, but sometimes talking it out will help you
Even if not with me, even if it's to yourself
If any of you read my song for Jonghyun, I hope you will be able to relate to an extent
And more than anything I hope that it somewhat helps you calm down, because I can't even describe how hard it is to cope with something as major as death 
And if any of you cope the same way I do and you feel like you want to share your own reflection of the situation, you can talk to me about it
Anyway I.. won't write much more because the more I stare at the screen and spill out my heart, the more sad I feel
I wish for Jonghyun's family, for SHINee, for Jonghyun's friend and for shawols the best, I hope you will manage to recover from this and never forget Jonghyun's legacy of beautiful music and wisdom
May he always rest in peace, like he deserves
Thank you for everything, good night

 

In our society we have something called normal

And if you're different then you're ignored by the world

No one alive is exactly the same

But one thing we have in common

Is that we all hurt

 

There are still so many things I don't know

I'm still so young and don't have much experience

I struggle to smile but even so

When I heard your wise lines

I felt like I meant something more

 

So that's how I want to remember you

As an inspiration to us all

 

In a split of second, we a lost a pure heart

Unable to breathe, that's how I felt when I found out

Because all of a sudden, you're gone and all I have is tears

And now I'll be living - living with this loss

 

It'll be okay, I promise you all

For the first time, I promise it's true words

Everyone has regrets and things that went wrong

But your life is precious, so make sure you know

 

We won't forget

Together, we will go on

 

In a split of second, we a lost a pure heart

Unable to breathe, that's how I felt when I found out

Because all of a sudden, you're gone and all I have is tears

And now I'll be living - living with this loss

 

It's okay to waver

We can't always be strong

Shed your tears until you can't cry

And embrace the hurt

 

Remember to find a light in your life

Even when the flames cease to burn

Let's bid our goodbyes

To a beautiful angel