I don't know why... but I have this feeling that I just can't improve my writing very much.

I write a lot, I write stories, write essays at echool, read to increase my vocabulary, expose myself to various books etc. etc., but I still think I can't write that well.

Is it a matter of talent?

I don't believe that talent can effect one's ability very much, though. Even if you have talent, if you don't work hard, it's no use.

Success comes from hard work, like various people have proved.

But of course, in order to be more successful, you have to have passion in your work.

Well, I do like writing a lot, and that's why I'm typing this right now... I have a considerably serious case of social anxiety, and I can't do presentations nor public speaking, so I prefer to express myself in the form of written words. I write whenever I can and whatever I feel like, in either my first language (Chinese) or English, though it's more of the latter these days.

(Chinese is a really really difficult language to master. Even with meticulous studying for over 10 years and speaking it since birth, I still find it difficult to truly express myself in Chinese sometimes.)

But I feel like even with the excessive amount or writing I have done, or the myriad amount of literature I have read, it's still not enough. People seem to find my writing... uninteresting.

I think, it has something to do with my writing style.

I like detailed descriptions of stuff, and I like full sentences rather than dialogues. That's why some people find my works kind of bland, because I don't really put in a lot of dialogues in them. But it's not like I dislike dialogues, either. In some situations, dialogue is an essential element to keep the story flowing. (Ah... now that I've realised, my stories don't flow a lot. Maybe it's due to the lack of dialogues.) Dialogues give a dynamic feeling to the story, and makes the story so much more interesting.

But I have to admit that I'm more like a person who likes to be still. Let's put it like this: compared to rivers, I like lakes more. I like to go into the details, using a whole paragraph just to describe a place, and using multiple sentences to describe a person. Compared to the hustle and bustle of a busy city, I like the serenity and peace of a quiet, slow-pacing town. (In reality, I'm a slow person too. I got yelled at a lot for being slow.)

Also, despite being descriptive, I seem to be unable to grasp the emotion I would like to express in a particular scene of my story. Like when I'm writing an angsty chapter, I always feel like my heart is heavy when writing certain sentences, I feel sentimental while writing certain scenes, etc. But it's only when I'm writing it. After that when I proof read my works myself, the feelings are kind of meh. It's just not there. This particular problem bothers me a lot because what is the use of writing if the things you write can't even cause a surge of emotion in yourself? If you yourself can't even feel the story, how are the others supposed to feel your story?

So, I'm thinking of changing my writing style a bit, to meet with more readers' taste and expectations, but I can't seem to. It's such an agonizing feeling to constantly needing to satisfy others, but sacrificing myself. I've doing this ever since I started school, I'm practically just studying to meet adults' expectations (but I am happy when I get good results), and let's just say I don't want to let myself down to please others, especially when I'm doing something that I really really like. I guess I would need to deal with other people's judgements then, but I'm aware that probably, just probably, it's me judging myself most of the time.

I have major insecurities issues and is oversensitive, and most of the time I'm just a whining mess that annoys everyone 25/8, but at least this time I want to be happy while doing things that make me happy.

So yeah, this is the end of my rant. If you've successfully read through this mess, thank you for just being a listener (or reader?) of my minor problems. And lastly for some shameless self promotions, please support my new fic, "Castor", which I just updated with the prologue this afternoon.

Once again, thank you very much!!! 

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