So there is a guy (let's call him guy A) with whom I'm friends for 12 years now and whom I can rely on and who comforts me when I need to. I lived with him for around half a year, he was too dirty and messy for me to continue living together with him and even though he has a girlfriend he always makes ual comments about me and touches me a lot, wants to see me ,  always asks if I want to come over and cuddle. Nowadays I feel disgusted by the thought of men touching me although I would like to be able to start a relationship with a man again ... When we were teenagers I was more open-minded towards intimate stuff, trusted him enough to send him half-nudes and all. It was thrilling at that age, I loved the fact that someone found me attractive. I still love it when people comment on me and tell me they find me attractive because I am not satisfied with my body and looks although I'm trying everything to be able to (not helping when my mom calls me fat and stuff, knowing I've been anorexic for 5 years ...)

When I reject him nowadays he always asks why, comments that I haven't been like that and all ... Well, mindsets change when you become older, right? I told a friend about it (who has a crush on me, so he also gets that I can't trust men so far to have a relationship with them and well he's not my type appearance and personality wise but he actually knows that ... yet he always tries to flirt with me..) so he, guy B is trying to make me change my mind and take off my protection ... 

He knows about my reasons why I don't want a relationship with a man, would even say 'no before marriage' if I tried it ... I am very scared to get hurt, to be used ... I don't want a man to make me dependent on him, I don't want a man to use me as a toy, I don't want to become his maid or slave. I don't want to get beaten, I don't want to get hurt or used in any way ... They both don't want to understand my mindset. 

These are also reasons why I prefer boy bands, why I prefer to love actors and other men via the internet or over a distance. I can love these man without them being able to hurt me. I am not someone who is hurt by the fact their fave idol or actor or whoever is dating, leaves a band, etc they don't hurt me with that, they become happy and then I also become happy. If someone acts against the law or something they shouldn't do as a role model to many people, that's how they hurt me, that's how I turn my back to them.

And I am going to reveal an embarrassing secret now, I feel like this also explains some things. I have to admit I had a small crush on our aff founder. Even though I don't even know how he looks, I always looked forward to receiving messages from him haha they made me feel good, made me feel noticed. He's a very dedicated man and loves what he's doing. He's hard-working and takes care of every person in need of the community he established. That's what I wish for in a man, someone who loves his work, who's kind and gentle, who's hard-working. Because these are things that I identify myself with and that I want to find in my partner. (Jason, if you read this .. I'm sorry to be so embarrassing xD)

Though, it's not any different with women. I don't trust them anymore either. They have hurt me, just like men did. So I can't trust anyone as much to start a relationship. It goes so far that I thought about starting something like friendship with benefits because I just want to feel sort of loved and wanted .. I quickly realised this thought is very wrong and threw it over again. It is against my principles, i don't get intimate without love and trust involved. But I am still young so let's see what the future has in store for me. Maybe I will just end up as a cat lady haha

PS: I debated with myself for a few very long minutes whether I should post this or not ...