Hey, Guys. I’m still in a very bad mood. Y’all know what happened. :( I hoped that the contract renewal would run smoothly, and I did believe what L and even Woollim told us, ‘We’re discussing it positively’. But yeah, script is a script and lie is a lie. He might said that out of the script, and I don’t blame him for lying. He might has a good reason to decide so.

BUT. Yes—but. I’m not gonna lie. IT IS FREAKING HURTS. I’ve read what some inspirits said, that we have to move on and support both Infinite and Hoya. I hope that I could be like them. Just let go everything. But, me, myself, who just found them by around a year and fell for them. I still got the butterflies in my stomach when I saw them, even if it was—is just in a video with 144p quality.

No, I’m not complaining of how He sounds so selfish because in reality we don’t know for sure! We don’t know why he didn’t want to renew the contract. We don’t know what his ‘dream’ was. And We can’t just say that He is selfish, because he might has a good--very good, or even great reason to do so.

Actually, let’s think about it. Is it him or is it us who’s being a selfish? If he doesn’t want to, and he still does it anyway out of guilty and worry for us, doesn’t it make us the selfish one. I don’t know. But for some unexplainable reason, I want to believe that none of us is selfish. I want to believe that it was because of bronchus problem, like what people said (I know I’m being an awful person wishing a singer to lost his ability to sing). I want to believe that once again—he isn’t selfish and Inspirits aren’t pushing him.

As a new Inspirit I haven’t got to see their concert. I haven’t seen their real apppearance. I haven’t hear them singing right in front of me. And now, I won’t be able to see them as seven. I’d still love to see their next concert but it won’t be the same. They will be six. And might hallucinate that he will be standing next to the six, maybe smiling awkwardly like our awkward prince always did, maybe killing hundreds of Inspirit mentally with his swaggy-baggy performance. I can’t imagine ‘Hello, We’re Infinite’ without his voice. I can’t imagine the fanchants without his name included. What is he doing when Infinite do a music show? What is he doing when Infinite practice dancing? What is he doing when Infinite do a world tour? I can’t think him without Infinite cause I’ve (almost) seen them together. No, not yet. But soon. I’ll have to learn to do that.

In the same time, I know it is already official and I don’t think it will change. He would have preparing for his next step, whether still doing the ‘entertainment’ things or no. I believe he will still doing music. He loves music. Or atleast he looks like he does (not in a sarcastic way). I really hope that he does music, cause with thousands of kilometers distance, across the seas and mountains, I will really, really, a hundreds time really miss him. It’s not that I like him romantically, I just like his voice. Maybe addicted to it?

I’ve heard what other fandom said about Infinite. That we sending him off nicely. I don’t think so. Not all of Inspirit took it nicely, I’ve read some of the comments too. Even I was in disbelief too. I kept mumbling in denial. I wanted to cry but I’m not usually a cry-ish person. I’ve noticed this comment : I hope if my idol group couldn’t renew the contract with full team, our fandom will face it nicely like Inspirits. Trust me, you’re not gonna like the feeling. You should pray for your group to not face this situation.

Infinite. How will they respond when people or even fans ask them what are their opinion about him? How would they feel singing without him? How are they feeling, NOW?

I want the best for Infinite, for Hoya, and for me too. I don’t want to be too sad cause this is just a part of life’s phase. I’ll have to face it and go on.

So, that’s it. I think this diary-like story need to stop. I really need to live my life as a real human, not like a pathetic cow under waiting to be slaughtered. Bye.

Oh, yeah. Maybe I’ll write something about Hoya if there are more update about him and Infinite. Maybe. Just maybe. I’m not gonna promise anything.