I find myself up at odd hours of the night once again. I don't know why I am up so late, it isn't normal. Well... It's normal for me during holidays and summers. I enjoy the night and early morning, when it is dark outside a lot. Writing this post makes me notice how little I know about myself. I don't know why I stay up so late.. I guess it is because it's quiet all around, and I'm allowed to do what I want for a few hours with no interruptions. The blanket of darkness on the world is where I find solace. I'm going to miss times like this. School starts in 5 days, and that means my quiet hours will be exchanged for school and books and studying. I think when I live alone, it will be like this all of the time.

I also find during breaks and holidays, that I am less creative. I only create in times of great stress... when I have a million things going on is when I find myself writing and brainstorming stories. How peculiar! Other people are the opposite, they are more creative in relaxed times than stressed ones. I guess it's a coping mechanism for me, for example, during the move, when it was the stress of a million moving parts and contacting lots of people and times, I found myself retreating to my room and writing chapter after chapter of Have Pity. I love writing, it makes me so happy, even the sad ones. There's something so reat because I can write the life I want with my characters. Brainstorming settings, dialogues, and all of the little details fills me wit joy, because in fanfiction I can make my characters. It also allows me to work through my stress and trauma without involving myself. thats the whole reason Have Pity exists, as a coping mechanism for me to help me work through my issues with my father. That's how I see that story, as poorly written and terrible as it is, it is me. The first line... it is taken from my life. I had felt that feeling, wanting to fight back but being so terrified to do so, many times that I brought myself to tears writing it, and I feel upset thinking about it now. Every line of that fanfiction is attached to some thought, action, or experience. In it's current state, this message is not broadcasted well, and I believe that is because I have not completely escaped my father. I believe when I leave this 'bubble' in wish I exist, aka my family, where he can no longer contact me and his name is not mentioned, I can re-visit Have Pity and write it properly. Communicate my pain, my sadness, my healing and recovery in the way I want it to be. When this chapter of my life closes, when I am grown and away, I finally write those chapters the way I want.

I love Have Pity because it does not also have to be verbatim of my life, if I wanted it to. I did not have someone like Sehun for me. I had myself, but I gave Jongin a companion, I gave Jongin someone who cared in a world where he was forgotten, I gave Jongin what I wanted when I was in that situation. With Jongin.. I can rewrite my story, write it the way i wish it happened. I can write it so people care, because when it happened to me- no one cared. I can also write it where no one cares, where no one believes Jongin. Where the nice blonde policeman gets frustrated at him, yells at Jongin, promises to tell his father. I can write it so Sehun turns Jongin away when Jongin shows him his scars. While I want to heal, but I want to write down my pain exactly how it happened, the tears I shed while I was screamed at, the note I wrote when I contemplated ending my life, when my father proclaimed I was no longer his child. I don't write it for any other reason then writing it down and getting rid of it. SO I can finally stop thinking about it. I want to write it so people can comment how terrible it was that that happened to Jongin in the story, which will indirectly comfort me. I want to write it so people can pay attention, give me the comfort and validation I craved so badly at the time where I was neglected.

Anyways.

I tried to write the next chapter to Forever, but it turned more into 'notes' and brainstorming. I have ideas written down, some dialogue written, but as it stands right now, it needs further work and development. I need to plan out the layout of the palace, since it is described in detail in my notes, but I am not satisfied with it. I feel like I will just save the document now, stash it away for later and just add to it when ideas pop into my head.

I have 2 versions of the next chapter of Have Pity, both seem pretty stupid to me. I'm going to have to look at the previous chapter and work with that. I feel like I will spread out the work, work on it over a period of time, adding to it each day. I have a feeling that it will be a long chapter and most likely the last, or there will be a sequel. I dont know yet, all I know is that I feel like a well that is empty. I have no ideas for that fic. I think I will put it on hiatus if I dont come up with something by the end of september.