my other one was fairly well written.

i'm listening to holland and feeling things. idk.

i'm tried of writing. not for my fanfics. despite what people say and how irrelevant i am, i still enjoy that. it's posts like this. it's communicating with other people. i hate talking now. i just want to be by myself and i feel like i never can. i hate staying up till crazy ing hours because it means i'm uninterrupted and i can be as quiet as i want.

i'm tired of having to go into great detail, to have to argue and verify that i'm allowed to feel what i do. i feel like a burden. i feel like i have to always be happy. not even happy. neutral. neutral is best because no one ever complains about it. i can't be sad, i can't feel discomfort, i cannot have conflict- otherwise i'm dramatic, or i'm whining, or sensitive.

i'm tired of having to write out every dark though and every feeling to verify my pain. i cannot say that i am sad, that's not bad enough. saying i'm sad gets nothing but a "get over it." i have to desribe all the tears i have shed and every foul thing said to me or else it's not good enough.

writing is an escape partly, i can project all my pain onto a character and make him feel it and make him cry all the tears so i don't have to. i don't know why i want everyone to see this escapism and verify it with their likes and their comments. i don't know why i rely on people so pitifully. i want to seperate myself from everyone i know, to become self reliant. to sever those pathetic ties and grow the hell up.

i'm tired. my head hurts. i'm ugly and fat and i just want to be on my own.