Okay adulting life is taking a toll on me and me working want to stepback from everything. I wanted to stepback in life because I know for a fact that this stepback I want to make is a good chance of me having a good comeback. I want to balance out my life I want to focus my life on a spread out manner with my work, family, friends and my love life. I seem to push more of my time on work and my love life. I am so stressed out in so many ways I cant imagine. I wanted to commit suicide about a month ago because I feel utterly useless to the point that I feel everything is falling apart. :( 

On the recent blog I made was about me not having any good conversations with my own mother...she tends to cut my freedom away from me. (There never was from the beginning) I want to do things but can't because her eyes are around and apparently there are a lot of people out there who are her eyes and I don't even know. I never was in good terms with her because I grew up under Authoritarian parenting. I never felt any warmth, sympathy and encouragement from her. Her words come out as stern like "You better find a decent job by now." before I wanted to engage myself in basketball and volleyball. I got a chance to shine on these two sports but nothing not even a sense of encouragement from her. I also was a consistent top student back in highschool but her words like "Why only top 9 you could do better." (Your typical Asian Parent) they are so found on drowning you in studying but not giving you a chance to have a social life. I am least thankful that I didn't became anti-social but what happened to me is that I don't tell my friends and them how my problems are consuming me now. It is unbearable now. Back in College I only got a chance to make the dean's list twice because my school was very far from home I had to take 3 rides just to get there. I suffered stress and anxiety and well I thank my frineds for uplifting me back then. 

Before she even promised me that she would take me to Korea if ever I made it to the dean's list that I did but the return was nothing but false hope. Even that happened I stayed on my normal self I got tired of studying so I engaged myself back in Kpop. I forced myself not to get delayed at any point in my life and so I graduated on time I quickly found a job so that I can help. Still nothing is happening I want to take a rest I want to relax even for a day so that I can get up and find a new job. My mother has been shoving responsibilities down my throat that I never got the chance to enjoy my teenage years.

Yes I am now 20 and before that I was 18 a lot of coming of age parties here and there and I gave up mine so that I can acquire a good education. She allows me to go to parties and other outings as long as their is parental supervision. that hurts me because she counldn't bring herself to trust me that I would be careful when she was young she was free to travel anywhere and here I am stuck inside the house clearly not enjoying life.