Meeting people has never been my strong suit. Neither has trying to make friends. Throughout my 21 years I've always enjoyed my solitude, being by myself means i don't have to worry about anyone else trying to come in my bubble and make a mess of it. It doesn't mean i don't want friends, I want someone to hang out with occasionally. I also want to fall in love. I have wanted someone since I was five. It's all a mess when someone will come into your life and you feel like they could be someone that could stay but they just leave and it feels like: 'god i'm so stupid how could i share my life in every aspect and they just don't want anything to do with me anymore'

Recently, I have been in a depression. One that was really severe, I haven't felt this ty in a solid year I would say. I have severe anxiety and i'm constantly worried about making sure everyone around me is happy. I met someone, a nice human who I enjoyed conversation with. Someone I shared things with that I don't share with many. Things were good for a solid week and then bam: she disappeared. Didn't respond for the whole week and I tried to be well you know understanding. Yet by the end of the week she explains that she has a huge trust issue and she is someone who runs away. I told her truthfully that i wasn't someone who would hurt her I would be here for her 1000% and i thought that, it was the end of it.

another couple weeks roll by and again she disappears. telling me that life isn't great. she's having a hard time and I try to be understanding but I also want to be there. I care about this person. Yesterday she explains her situation after two weeks and it makes me understand but also feel frustrated because i could have been there. She explains that because I live far away that I couldn't properly be there for her. It aggravated me.  I would do whatever I could to be there. 

Today she explodes at me for no reason. and it just, it makes me realize what a mistake I made to let someone in again. To trust again. I cut ties and wished her pure happiness. i just, maybe it's always good to be alone.