Hi to everyone who still knows me. Does anybody even remember me? ^^

Like I said countless of times but never got around to it, here are a few confessions about my life and why I let you all down.

Where to start? It's so much, honestly.

Maybe let's start at the here and now: I'm sick.

Why am I sick? Because I overdid it big time.

I always had asthma, since I was a kid already. It's nothing much to it, I never really had frequent attacks nor did I have to take any medication, it only appeared when I got really worked up and/or cried.
I'm a naturally calm person, so that didn't come often, but I think part of the fault as of why it all just exploded recently is because my mother didn't take it seriously.
She's that kinda person that's just too strong and overpowering for her surroundings at times, and for her most of the time I did just overreact and stuff. No big deal, I'm over it.
My asthma is mainly triggered by stressful situations, as said, and while my body just tolerated and tolerated it for years, I've finally and officially broke down to the point even my mother acknowledged it.

Now I've been called in sick for work for about 3 weeks because of my lungs. At first I had a lung infection caused from bronchitis that I didn't take seriously, and only when I literally could. not. breathe., I did go and see a doctor. 
I got medication and it all went well. Until I had to stop taking them. After that I got worse to the point that when I visited a specialist, he said my bronchi were close to choking me. Like, my body was close to cutting off my air supply completely. I think it's obvious what would have come after that.
I had to do a test which has, don't lemme lie I'm not too sure anymore, but I think four stages? Well, they had to cancel it at the second stage because my bronchi have grown too sensitive about literally everything. The first stage didn't even have much and yet my body already started reacting way too hard than what was normal. They did the second stage with a minimal amount of what they usually used, and immediately after they had the results I had to inhale medication to prevent further damage.
After that, I had to take another sick leave for 1 week because I had to change to strong medication and... let's just say the first days, I wasn't myself. I was scared to leave the house, I could sit anywhere and just stare, and I slept ages and ages, and that's not even half the list. 
Now I can breathe again. Well, I can, but I still have to carry stuff for emergency with me, because after all this my body reacts to any kind of stress. Every. Tiny. Bit. It's like poison. You can literally let me sit in the Bus and thanks to my anxiety I already feel it get worse. 

And that's what I meant that I overdid it. I always thought I could do more, take more, handle more. And I could. But I had a time limit. And now my body's just like fy I don't want to anymore. 
Which brings me to the next point: why I am so stressed. Some may know, but I don't think so. Maybe only bits and pieces.

My day consists of getting up early in the morning. It's not too early, but just hear me out here. After that, I do chores, handle the dogs, handle things here and there, until I have to go. After that, I go to work. I work as a stockist (I handle the incoming and outgoing articles, do customer's oders, check that everything's on display, etc etc etc) and, don't let me lie, it's a hard job. My job is ing nuts at times. It's hard on the mind and body alike.
And AFTER work, I go to school. It's a fast paced course for a higher level I wanna take and the freaking pace takes a toll on every single student we have. You know when I am back home? At around 23pm. And in between all this, the time I have to waste getting around and traveling to and fro home to my work/schoolplace are almost 4 hours. I am the walking dead when I arrive home.
That is what my days look like. On days I don't have school, I get home a few hours earlier and tend to our dogs, clean the apartment, go shopping, and do our finances.
Don't get me wrong, I signed up for school. I like my work. But that, added up with all the problems I've been carrying around for years now, is quite a heavy burden.

The cause of literally all my problems is my own father.
He and my mom divorced, sure, no big deal. Many parents do that. I'm not saying that this didn't damage me, but I'm saying that I know many others go through similar things.
But my dad lied to my mother, and let her sign papers knowing that she has no idea of how to handle taxes, and caused us a huge dept of over 7000€ that now she had to pay, though it's supposed to be divided between the two of them.
Then he made problems which forced us to leave our apartment, my home, and we had to stay at a friends for almost a year until we found something and moved to this... hellhole of Apartment. I couldn't continue school. I had lost my job during the move. Great.
My banking account got annulled and no other institution wanted to take me (though recently I found out they did a crime in doing that) and it all spiralled downwards. I didn't get another job, even various schools declined me.
Then my dad stopped paying the monthly childcare that he was supposed to pay until I could live on my own two feet or earn enough. It led us to even more dept.
All that time, my mother also had one boyfriend after another, one tier than the other, and by now I went through hell and back. I got degraded by them, they rampaged our home, used violence, helped my anxiety to leave unknown heights, made me distrust literally every man I see, and the list goes on and on and on. In the end, I had to care for a broken-hearted mother and myself. 
I had to care for my own education, had to care for every little problem my dad left behind, had to look for ways to get money, had to look for apartments, my mom's wishes, my own puppy, and again the list goes on.
At some point I got a lawyer, hell it was a process until I found her and with that finally someone who could help me and not take thousands of euros for nothing and even more nothing. 
And up until now, so many more problems had come that I had to fight. And my dad still makes problems to this day. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about ending my life various times.

During all this, my love for reading vanished. I can't concentrate on any good book.
My love for editing is now more something that frustrates me and makes me insecure. 
When I want to write, my mind is blank. It's like the words are scared to come out of the safety of my head.
When I have some spare time on Sundays and maybe Saturday/Monday, all I want to do is sleep. Just sleep, and sleep, and sleep. 
I was, still am, so happy I finally got some chance for further education, but I'm too tired to actually soothe my desire for learning new things.
My workplace stresses me more and more though there are lovely people who make things easier at times.
If there's a rare time watch animes, like when I was sick these days, I couldn't even remember the title after one episode.

I went on aff a few times with the decision to finally make things clear and get over it, but never actually did.
I feel so selfish and useless and just tried harder to get over it but now you see where I am. I am sick to the point I can't take any more. Even my mother realised it.

Now that you know, for everyone who may be waiting for updates or trailer requests or the results of my contest, I hope you understand. 

Feel free to be angry and disappointed. Please let me know if you want to cancel your trailer requests because I have no idea when I will get to that, I won't even be mad about it, I promise. 

I'm quite disappointed in myself as well, but I am trying hard to get back on track. 
I got so far, now some things finally start to unwind and solve themselves, and all I gotta do is watch over it and try to be good to myself. 

It's no secret anymore that I am very self-destructive. But I am actively trying to change that.
I have my good friends and I have the goal to make myself happy before I go all-out for others who will never appreciate it.
I am thankful for all the support I got, for everyone who stood by my side. And I am sorry for those whom I lost contact with because I just couldn't handle it all.

Today is my first day after two weeks that I'll be back to work and school.
I hope it'll go fine.

There's still more I could share with you, but for now I'm sure it's more than enough. 

Lots of love,
Stay healthy.