R.I.P. Me

So I’ve been struggling with myself a lot lately. Yeah, this post is going to be nothing but me ranting and you all probably don’t care. But I guess I just need to get it off my chest. So I’ve been struggling a lot lately with just...everything in life. And yeah I know “Life is tough” or “Life isn’t easy, you just have to deal with it”. I’ve heard it all before. Yeah I know what life is like. I’m 27 years old, I know how ty life is and how unfair life is. I’ve heard it all and I’m honestly tired of hearing it. I know it’s all hard work and I’ve been doing my hardest to meet the expectations of everyone around me. But I don’t think I’m doing it right? 

I don’t know.

It just hit me too, while I was doing laundry, that I’ve been doing everything that everyone else wants me to and not doing what I want to. Even right now while trying to get my degree, I’m not having fun. It’s not what I love and I hate to say that because I’ve spent 5 years in this field, trying to obtain a career that I really want and right now...I’m not having fun doing it. I don’t like it. I want to quit. But I’m so close and everyone tells me to just it up and finish it. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to just it up.

Can you honestly just look at a person and it up and expect them to? Sure they could but in the end they could resent you for the rest of their lives. I can’t just it up because no one else knows what I go through, or how I feel. Sure I can try to explain it to them, my parents and family. But they all think I’m just silly, or being lazy or whatever. 

I really hate it.

What I love. My passion is creating things. My love is writing. My world is KPOP. And yet I don’t feel like I belong. I can’t just freely and openly talk about it because I’m judged. “Why do I like asian guys?” “They look like little girls” “You’re a e for liking asian guys who look like their 12”. These are all statements that have been said to my face. And it hurts. And my love for KPOP and writing and everything I associate with it has depleted. Why should I love and care about something that everyone hates? Discriminates against? Doesn’t even want to try and understand? Why do I want to spend the time explaining different groups and the music when I’ll just get questions like “But they’re asian? Why don’t you like white people?” “Why don’t you listen to American music?” “Do you even understand what they’re saying?”

No I don’t! But I want to. I want to learn the language, to communicate with them and fully immerse myself into the music. I like American music! Just because I don’t listen to it all the time doesn’t mean I like it. I listen to it, I sing along. I enjoy it. I’ll go to a concert of my finger singer or band if I could. I like white people too. I can find myself attracted to white people, black people, hispanic people...hell even the one-eyed one-horn flying purple people eater!

But why do I need to justify myself with why I love what I love? With why I want to do certain things? Why does it make me different? Why is it so hard to understand? I just don’t get it. 

Sometimes I think about my life and how it started off great, even when I went through my anime phase. They all understood but now. Now that I’m 27 I’m expected to just forget everything else and do things to be a productive citizen of society. And it’s these responsibilities placed on me that just make me so...unbearable sometimes.

I have a friend...Kora_Khan and I’m just thinking as I write this, how I’ve projected my own responsibilities and my hatred for them onto her. I thought if she suffered with me, it would be okay. I hate that she doesn’t have to do things like me. She’s got her own issues going on and I know those are a hassle for her and she struggles daily. And I should understand and I do. I really do understand. Because lately I’ve been trying to be a better friend. A more understanding and caring friend. But I’m envious. While she works on her issues, which are no fun to go through, she doesn’t have to do the things I do. She doesn’t go to school. She doesn’t have to work because of health reasons. To me, in my eyes (though it’s not really true) she’s got such an easy life. And I want that. 

I want to be able to have the time for all things I want to do. I don’t want to be forced to go to school anymore. Or attend an internship that leaves me dead inside. On a subject that I absolutely despise. I want to be a mental health counselor but I don’t want to work with people who have substance abuse issues. Who have been in jail for years, or are on probation or who have had their children taken away from them because they’re addicts. It’s not what I want. It’s not what I like. But I’m stuck with it because it’s the only thing in my area that is associated with my school. 

I hate it. It’s not my passion but I’m just supposed to it up and stick it out because I’m almost done. And I am. I’m almost done and it would be stupid to just quit now. But I’d rather it be me making up this decision then others around me. I don’t have the support that so many people could have. I don’t have this friends or relationships that people lean on to get through things. Maybe I could but then here’s another issue. I don’t want to be a burden. And I feel like a lot of times I’m a  burden. Or that people just don’t care. I don’t want to self-disclose anything to people because I feel like people will think I’m stupid. That my worries and concerns are not warranted and my passions are stupid (as previously mentioned because I’ve had that said to me).

I don’t live in a world where who I am is accepted. I live in a world where I’m supposed to be this certain someone. And I don’t like this world. I just want to be me. 

But I don’t know how to be me anymore. I’m so lost. And everything is suffering because of it.

And I guess...that’s the end of that. Maybe one day things will be better. Hopefully. Thank you for taking the time of reading and listening to me. 
 

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Kemeko #1
hi honey. I'm sorry about the issues you're going through - i just have a question though, how far are you into your degree / what kind of degree are you trying to get? BA, MA?
sparkl3ysparx #2
I will tell you what I told a friend one day. I told her that I can be a positive and productive contributor to society without living by society's dictates. Be who you want to be and if you can't figure it out, then live comfortably until you decide. Yes life can be and sometimes you have to do things that you hate while wishing the person next to you had it the same. However, there are some things you have to go through that exposes the right path for you and also brings to light what you truly dislike.
I can completely relate with you about K-POP. From the moment I discovered the music, I fell in love with it. It sparked a curiosity that I didn't even know I had. I has become fascinated with Korean culture, dramas, food, and the language. I have even gone as far as to start learning the language and using what I like aniut South Korea in projects college courses. When people question why I am so fascinated by the colors, the language, the tireless efforts of the singers, actors, tv personalities, and the beautiful scenery they don't get it. I have come across the nasty comments too, and learned long ago that ignorance for some is bliss.
I hope that by your graduation you can see what you want for your future. Thanks for ranting and allowing me to offer some learned advice. I too will graduate soon and am not looking forward to living as others want. I may then be posting my corncerns too. I am keeping my fingers crossed that all works out for the both of us. Glasses high! Cheers to life and K-pop.
uwujongin #3
Dude to all that I got to say: it's your life. Yours. It's just so easy to feel entitled and judge someone elses life without actually living what you judge. They don't know you, it's not their business and frankly there's a huge chunk of audacity to expect someone to live by their standards. It's rude and arrogant. At the end of the day what you do with your life is your decision and once you truly realise that, other people nagging at you won't get to you that much. About your university stuff. I personally would finish just so I didn't waste the years before and then start something new and if that fails I still have a backup thing. But that obviously is just my personal opinion since I've witnessed it with a friend but she stopped for idiotic reasons and not because she didn't like it. (She literally said "how many female geologists have u seen even" and I was like "now that youve quit, even less", needless to say I was very disappointed with her mindset)
Most importantly, just because I find its better to finish when you're done anyway, doesn't mean I don't respect their decision even if I might not understand it but it's their life and happiness and I would never post-nag them about their decision.

When someone would comment on my kpop all I would reply is "I listen to english music too, are you happy now?" and when they would reply that its got nothing to do with that they are happy I just go ahead and ask "why does it bother you so much what I listen to? It's just music. In a different language" and what they reply then doesn't even matter because they will never have a logical reply because their "concern" doesn't make any sense whatsoever, because I never saw someone commenting or being "bothered" by me being obsessed with the American band panic at the disco. In germany. A country that doesn't even have english as the native language but english is accepted, asian stuff is weird but they like to stuff their mouths with their food or buy their technology.
Ask them why they are so concerned about asian people or their music. Make THEM explain themselves, not the other way around. You have nothing to explain yourself for. That will make them uncomfortable at best and they will try to explain themselves but it doesn't even matter. Those questions I ask are for my entertainment because I know they can't reply anything that would make sense and didnt sound racist, so I just play with them a little and let it drop because they aren't worth it anyway. I'm not listening to music for anyone else but myself.
affgaga #4
ur still young otonim.. do what u like, or else u would be haunted with, "why didn't i do that before.., i should have done that.. i should have done this.. wae? wae? wae?" if i have the ability to reach people thru writings like u, i will make money out of that (that's why god limits my talents because he knows i will turn everything into $$$!! hahaha..).. sorry if my message doesn't make any sense to u.. yolo!
myungsoo95 #5
Oh no... why people always judge us asian that we look like 12??? This need to let the judgment pf other people go.... and why should people want to make you become who they are??? I mean this is your life... even though im Asian but hey, whenever im travelling to usa or another western country... they tried to call me a younger boy... but im 22 for ...the decision is ur.... n KPOP is a great thing for me after our music industry all about money love death and boring thing with no meaninb... but for KPOP... a sonb brinb so manh feelings... sorry for my ranting...
audbear #6
Actually this is what I deal with every single day, in fact I can't even eat lunch in the cafeteria anymore because people would always hate on me for watching KPop, it's come to the point where I have to eat lunch with my Aunt because she happens to work at my school. I'm really young, but it's still so emotionally draining. No guys want to like me because I like Kpop, they don't want to like a girl who stares at guys abs all day or something (honestly wtf, just cause you don't have them doesn't mean you can hate) But I kinda learned to just deal, there's nothing I can do about it and I guess I kinda got used to it, I hope the hate stops tho. It's just so.... Annoying, I don't hate on you for liking different music than I do, why you gotta hate on me?? If you ever need to rant I'm right here
ImmaKpopFreak #7
First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about the things that you're going through. It must've been very hard mentally, emotionally and spiritually to endure those hardships alone. I really do wish that I can do more to help you other than writing such a small comment but I just want to say that you're not a burden but a fighter that's very hardworking. I want you to finish off strong but then again it's also okay to change things if you're not satisfied with what you're doing right now because it's your life!!! I do hope that you'll continue to stay strong to where you are now because no matter what choices you make, as long as you're happy about it then that's all that matters. Be patient! Don't give up hope! Keep your head up! Stay positive! And keep FIGHTING!!!!!
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