This is just a side effect of first love. Because they say, its the hardest and unrealistic love that occur in the timeline of your life. At one point, it will happen.

Unrequited love

My unrequited love started when I was 15 years old. I had a crush on someone really amazing, to me, he was a kind and warm person. He had me believed that not everything in life was miserable. He teach me about love and trust and heart ache.
He was unique in a way that I can never know or see who he really was and who he really is. He did not open or leak out his true persona. He was a real mystery. To me it was beautiful yet painful.
Beauty is a pain, and forcing your way in, is not the right way to be loved.

Yearning for too long, deepens the pain and after a long time, it had become a disease in the heart. Eager, anger and jealousy built up. No longer can contain the pain, it leaks and leaks until it turns into a hurricane. Matter of love is far beyond, comes the question of trust.

Why and what is always put first. He no longer became an answer. He is only a question, that can never have an answer. It was tiring and I was no longer happy, just broken. There was no longer love in me to be shared with him. But he was hungry for love. The more you feed it, the emptier you felt.
The day I crumble, was the day he said, it was all a lie. Nothing was true from the start. I ran out and never turn back. I felt free, I was finally over it, but as days pass, I questioned myself, who is he, what is he, where is he, those questions meant that I wasn’t actually over it.

Beauty is pain, and yet I still want to know, to learn about it.

I couldn’t find a way. Years had passed. It was almost 5 years since the incident and the question still lingers. Because I wasn’t given an answer that I wanted, an answer to this unrequited love.