i guess it's time for me to actaully explain a few things . maybe my sudden disappearance or the fact that i've stopped respnding to anything.

( i hope you guys will uderstand the mess that is after this )

well this is the complete and utter truth.

a long time ago i realised that i've never been okay. that i've never been happy. that i've always had that void inside of me. i realised while looking back on my childhood i always wore a fake happy mask and never showed my true emotions. 

the one word i can use to describe myself is empty, a creature with no true shape or form, thats me. i never had defining features to my being and i think that's why i've gotten addicted to reading, kpop, msuic and all the other pastimes that i use to fill up myself.

im so fake that i myself barely know who me is. 

my friends and my family and even you guys whover you guys may be dont really know who i am. 

i'm trying to find who i am... but there is nothing to find. ive done everything in my power to find me yet i've found nothng, i'm a cowrad pleading for help, desperate for someone to understand.

because really, i'm truly afraid.

gdo you guys know how it feels to look into your eyes and not find anythin?. 

i hope you don't, i really do.

i've actually lost my will to anything, to live 

but mostly my will to be. for all of my life i've been fighting that unknown force to be me. but i've never won, and i will never win. at least not now. not tomorrow .

i can't say this is the end because there was never a beginning. all this time it's been a lie. but ive never lied to you guys or my friends or my familiy . ive been lieing to myslef .

i am a hypocrite because i help my friends who have deppression  and with dealing with life yet i have no life myself.

i am despearte because once you realise this you just dont have anything to do. i cant even cry, because what is there to cry for? oh well done honey you finally stopped lying to yourself, well done! do want a pat on your back.

i dont even know what to type because im so frantic. i know that this is probably the last time this year ( not exaggerating) that i will tell of my true self. i usually keep this all under lock and chain, to keep myself safe and to try to prevent the falling empires of family and friendship from crumbling down even further. i want to cry yet i want to scream.

the question is , who am i?

i dont even know why im even typing this down. why am i telling my online frien ds the truth when i  cant say it to my mother? why cant i even tell it yo mylesf.

isnt this funny? here i am on a fanfic/ social website telling people busy with their own lives about my miserable life, im not even sure i can call it life.

 ive lived life through a lens, i never knew that one day the glass will crack and people will set fire to my dreams! i feel so... i feel frantic from desperation . i want to tell everything i want to bare my heart to smeoone who might care , because you guys have payed more attention to me that my own parents. my parents are busy 

really

though, i understand. go have 5 kids and then start worrying about the middle child who has problems. tell her that she okay all she needs is to pray and all of this is being caused by the devil. all of this is in her head. shes 10. 

shes 14 now.

she showed a website that tells people about her condition. she had madalaptive daydreaming dissorder. she lost in the dreams that she  wove herself. they are her reality that will nevr be be real.

that girl is me and she still hasnt escaped from her reality that will never be real.

she wont ever

that's the bitter reality. she wants to but alas.

i really am alone, i dont know who i am? i dont know who my parents are

i dont know my friends and hey all know something is off.we all noticed. i mean i did, when i met you, something was off . about the way you smiled. about the way you gave people your full attention.

i need to give something my full attention else my head will run off my thoughts will fabricate a new world to jon the eternal worlds that have been formed and will be formed. i sorry im depressed im sorry im empty im sorry i have  a daydreaminng dissorder .

you see that im sorry.

 i hope the god that i believe in will bless this fool with mercy and take away everything. i dont want to die, but if death is the only way than i will welcome my dear old friend. my soul has no being. i have lost my will. i am an empty shell that absorbs its surrounding forever hoping tht it will have an identity of its own, but it will never.

 anyways isnt it harmful, useless even, to wish for the impossibe? but what else am i meant to do? it is a built in mechanism . for us to always hope to have that light

but for me the light is fading.i will never hurt myself , but really there is nothing to hurt. theres nothing left. ive tried, i swear i did. but pain doesnt ground me. im still caught in an intricately woven dream, that has seeped into my reality.

that drean is slowly trapping,and eventualy it will ruin me.

 its a known fact isnt it.? that people with everything will want nothing.. and people with nothing want everything. but whre do i fit in that fact? the truth, the utter bitter reality, the complete truth is that i give up. theres not much fight left in my ancient soul. ive lived too long for this.

time will evntually wear your being away. ive too hard, too long for this.

for something that i will never have

and time will always catch uo to you.

reality will always find you, no matter how hard you hid.

 and truth will wait for you at the doors of death and  embrace you, while slipping a dagger in your heart.