(tw) WELCOME HOME, 유진
trigger warning for mentions of suicide and child abuse.
WELCOME HOME, YUJIN
SAYING THIS MAKES ME MISS YOU EVEN MORE
prologue he WEARS THE LABEL OF A MOTHER KILLER. he will not allow it to be the cause of his demise — no matter how much he is reminded of his crime. soft words and soft touches, cursory grazes and ginger sentences. they mask his true feelings. his ambitions: is it only for redemption? atonement for his sins. to endeavor for a better system — to stop from anyone else feeling the misery that runs a torrent in his mind. to put himself at ease — to give back to the world after he took away from it. his actions, his disposition, it does not truly speak for the voices that cry in his head. the regret that storms. that crashes and consumes. and he's trying, for he does not want anyone to feel the same pain. for no one deserves this woe.
SYMPHONY
playlist — welcome home, seo yujin
| 1 ✅ Reprieve by vallis (a)lps 2,583,618 |
| 2 ✅ good side in (b)y the japanese house 1,808,118 |
| 3 ✅ ordinary people (b)y john legend 62,502,42 |
| 4 ✅ (c) never know by golden vessel 1,446,116 |
| 5 ✅ hole in the wall by moses gun (c)ollective 257,263 |
| 6 ✅ hunting for reason by folded like fa(b)ric 233,257 |
| 7 ✅ what 2 do (b)y dean 4,221, 680 |
| 8 ✅ my energy by the n(a)ked and famous 613,410 |
unlike the snowflakes melting on your skin
personality
charming. amicable. resourceful. benevolent. soft-spoken. self-deprecating. selfish. overly forgiving. pushover. over-analytical. modest. private. pessimistic. protective. misleading. controlled.
SEO YUJIN:
A STUDY IN REGRET
A STUDY IN REGRET
agony.
charm.
façades.
charm.
façades.
is it normal to feel regret over something you had no control over? to be forever indebted, for something that rains a firestorm in his mind — for something that caused nothing but the destruction of a body: of not just his mother, but everyone around her.
and yujin lives with this constant regret. but he wishes no one to know this truth. soft, sweet, gentle to the touch. a pristine outer, the smooth skin of a ripened fruit; only to be peeled and cut open to reveal the rotten flesh that resides inside. as long as he keeps bottled up, the sour truth won't have to be unveiled. and so he keeps these secrets to himself, projects conversations onto others: keeps everything about his own mess in confines.
he doesn't want it to define him, to bring him to his own downfall, but in the end, it seems that all his decisions come back to the same starting point. HE TRIES TO CONFIDE IN HIS DEAD MOTHER WITH ALL THE judgments he makes, but she can't give her thoughts in return — can't say no or hold him back. and so yujin has to take a shot in the dark; ask himself if this is what she would want of him. all his decisions are made with her in mind.
THE DECISION TO TRY AND TAKE HIS OWN LIFE AT SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD IN the walls of his own HIS BEDROOM. unsuccessful. is this not what you wanted, ma?
THE DECISION TO FINALLY TRY AND live — being alive isn't enough. i've begun to rot.
THE DECISION TO FIND SOLACE IN HIS OWN EXISTENCE (even if it takes his entire lifetime). impossible.
THE DECISION TO GIVE BACK TO THE WORLD WITH EVERYTHING HE'S GOT. i'm sorry i took you away so soon.
yujin lives behind façades. he hopes for the day that the walls become the real him. to be supportive, helpful and practical without a deep-seeded underlying motive. to be amicable, charming words that roll off his tongue without it being unnatural, without having to practice his conversations. to live in his real emotions — to speak up when he's being stepped on (because he deserves the respect), to express anger. to erase this self-pity and continuous selfishness. for he just wants to live at ease. erase the envy of mere contentment.
ocean riptides. / skips of dust over the vinyl on the record player. / forgotten birthdays. / tear-filled eyes and crooked smiles. / burning cigarettes, fingertips sear. / cold stethoscopes on hot skin. 'breathe.' / invasive thoughts. you try to shake them away. / 'you're worth more than you think.' laughter is the only appropriate response. / restless nights, wrapped in layers of blankets. / 4 a.m.
background
age 00. where yujin's life begins, his mother's ends. what's supposed to be a miracle becomes a burden and a morbid reminder.
age 06. everyone else's mothers picked them up from school. they would hold hands. smile. sometimes yujin would watch as their mothers bought snacks before leaving the school grounds. yujin took the bus. he'd unlock the doors to empty hallways.
age 08. father was never scared to express his hatred. he made sure yujin was aware of his crime. how he killed his own mother. how he was nothing but a nuisance. father always said that he made his life a living hell. he was sure to never forget.
age 10. any dollar yujin could scrap up was used for entry into the recreational center. he spent his time in the still waters of the pool. he learnt to swim on his own. he would feel refreshed, a sort of catharsis, even if his young mind didn't completely understand it.
age 12. he didn't come home. yujin hid in the locker room stalls until the lights were out at the local swimming pool. father had been in a bad mood that week — more so than usual and so he didn't want to face the rage. the sores that lined his calves stung in the chlorine. police sirens. water drips from his hair that falls to cover his face, neck bent over in shame. the officers ring the doorbell to his home and return him. father seems relieved, but it was only an act in front of the policemen. the door closes behind them and yujin can do nothing but flinch.
he sits on his bed, new marks of red that glow against his pale skin. skin peeled, blood oozes. he looks for bandages and a jacket — the forecast says it's sunny tomorrow but he can't be the talk of the school again. he's put father through enough.
age 14. classes were ditched. detention was frequent. he had joined the school's swim team — only to be ridiculed for the scars that emboss his skin. he ignores it; friends weren't meant to be. yujin always told himself that he was okay with isolation. it was what he deserved anyway. he found momentary solace within the waters of the pool, as always. he had no desire to join competitions, despite his natural gift in the sport.
age 16. after-school detention is where he meets choi subin. her bottom lip is bleeding and her face is stained with tears. yujin makes no attempt to converse but he stares — the soft brown of her eyes that brimmed and threatened to overflow. the way she sniffled and how her eyebrows stitched together, certainly unhappy about her situation.
'i got into a fight. you can stop staring now.'
'i'm sorry.'
and in some odd way, they begun meeting more often. words about life were never really spoken — they basked in each others warmth and talked about trivial things. he wasn't sure if it were true (for he had never felt this way before) but he felt like she was home. that she made him feel comfortable without words, that she could calm the storm in his mind. even if it were soon to be flitting.
age 17. yujin doesn't come home again. this time, he's doing nothing in particular; he found himself occupied by his own thoughts and time had rushed past him. he cracks the door open to his house at 4 a.m. in the morning, only to be met with his father. furious.
'you're such a nuisance. you should've died instead of your mother.'
four blister packs of oxycodone.
white. vacant. throbbing. pain. agony.
he awakens to an intense burn.
a torment.
age 18. his attempt at his own life was unsuccessful. he spends this year recovering. he takes it as a sign from his mother. that she wanted him to live on — that he wasn't quite done with his life on this earth just yet. therapy seemed futile, but it had eased his mind, for a little while. the storm that raged within him neared its ends. he was calm. not content, he never felt like he could be content. not in this lifetime. but he was serene. numb.
connections to father were cut. it was for the best. yujin moved in with subin. she lived with her aunt. they were welcoming. he was grateful, but he could not shake the feeling of being undeserving.
yujin and subin start dating. it was only natural. she was the only one who knew him so truly.
age 19. yujin finds a job at the local childcare center. the children love him, it was as if he'd get a romantic confession from three year-olds almost daily. it eased his mind. it was transitory, but he found that being with children took away the anguish of all his adult stressors.
with the encouragement of subin and the other childcare workers, yujin decides to pursue a career in medicine. to be a pediatrician and help the children that give him the little bits of joy in his life. he spends the rest of the year preparing for the entrance exam, as well as keeping his job at the childcare center, part-time.
age 20. seoul national university. medicine and surgery. it begun. something he hopes to be a new chapter.
age 24. a fellow course-mate tells yujin about the 'spring house.' he's been meaning to move out of subin's aunt's place. as much as he adores his time with subin, the burden was too heavy. the place was cramped, his schedule was turbulent. he knew that even if they were away from each other, everything would be fine.
lifestyle
turbulence. once yujin settles down and finds his pattern within the chaos; it all changes again. there are a few constants in his life and he's glad they exist as it seems to be the threads that tie him together — hold him up and prevent him from falling. structure in a lifetime is hard to find, but yujin finds that he can settle for this. for now.
most days alternate between his job at the childcare center, residency hours at the hospital and his studies at seoul national university. he attempts to squeeze in time for subin and time to go to the gym or the pools.
the hours he spends at university are in large chunks — usually from 9 a.m. to late hours within the night, often staying in the campus' library much past midnight. it's to be expected, with the degree he's studying, that the workload would be tremendous. and of course, there's moments in which he wishes he could just drop it all, but it's on those sorts of nights where he calls subin and she speaks to him in her sleepy voice; she tells him that he's capable of it and that she believes in him.
many students within medical courses are extremely familiar with one another; often being friendly and inviting each other out for drinks after particularly long clinic hours or seminars. and whilst yujin doesn't consider himself close to any of them, he does occasionally go out with them, he can't find it in him to say no. most of his course-mates would label yujin as a little mysterious, but very gentle. tall. extremely handsome.
in addition to his studies, a lot of his time is within the confines of white hospital walls. he's currently interning in the obstetrics department and finds that it's one of the most uplifting divisions he's been in so far. yujin thinks that it's the rare blessing from his mother that he gets to see subin whilst he's there. they often share their lunch breaks (whenever they align) and when he sees subin, tending to patients, he feels a small nudge to move even closer and work even harder to his goal.
other days are spent working at the childcare center. he had quickly become one of the most favourite assistants within the establishment — other assistants often swooning over his body, overall character and face. he's always soft, gentle, and this was the place that helped him find his career path.
any other time to be found would be spent with subin, or at the gym. it's become more rare as time has gone on, but whenever yujin finds enough time, he likes to swim laps until exhaustion.
his financial status isn't horrible, but the deal that's being offered is definitely in his favour. he's currently highly in debt with student loans, and is receiving student aid money. however, his part-time job offers enough for him to sustain his current routine. after a few calculations, he's certain his income works particularly well with the circumstances presented by the 'spring house.'
the biggest motivation for yujin as of present, to move into the spring house, is to lift one more burden of off his shoulders. the one he rains down on the choi household. and although subin's aunt never says anything, and subin is always ecstatic to have him around, yujin can't help but shake the feeling that he's once again, become a nuisance. he comes home at the crack of dawn. he's messy. he stays up late. he eats way too much. the best decision, for everyone, moving forward, was for yujin to finally move out.
trivia
swimmer. from the age of 10, yujin had frequented the swimming pools. water to drown out the thoughts, he said. one competition was entered when he was 14, but not another. he had won first place but he didn't want to swim like that anymore, and would only go to team practices on his own will. he doesn't frequent the waters nearly as often as time doesn't permit him to do so. on particularly rough days (both mentally and physically), subin is sure to find yujin at their local recreational center. floating. drifting.
vinyl. hobbies are close to non-existent. however, he has taken a liking to collecting vinyl. yujin favours classical music but his small collection would vary any where between john william's star wars trilogy soundtrack to tchaikovsky's symphony no. 6 ('pathetique'). he likes to study with his record player playing in the background but alas, since he stays up way past average times, he often has to resort to putting on his headphones and playing the symphonies from his phone's spotify app.
sixth tenant. yujin is far from scared or worried by the sixth tenant. he's more so curious. helping the supernatural is a long-shot, but he thinks if there's anything he can do, he might as well try. he wants others to rest at ease. his life endeavors are so he allows his mother to rest at ease, and he'd gladly do it for the sixth tenant. there's been times where yujin lays on his bed, head dangling off the edge as he mumbles about his feelings. sometimes it's to his mother, sometimes it's to no one in particular. a few times he's been inclined to talk to the sixth tenant. over the years, yujin haS BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO SPEAKING INTO SILENCE.
STUDY STRESS. YUJIN'S STUDY SCHEDULE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. WHEN HE'S STRESSED, HE SMOKES. a prime reason why he's glad that the spring house has a rooftop and a terrace. subin has been trying to get him to quit but it's been tough.
FOOD. with a pretty big build, yujin eats a lot. he's not constantly eating, but during meal-times, he will eat up to four servings. it's one of the issues he's had with living with subin; often being worried that he's literally eating all of their food. yujin plans to cook his own meals, as during much of his adolescence, he had to provide and cook for himself, so he's quite proficient. he also has several large tubs of protein powder, pre-workout powders and creatine for his body and gym routines.
uality. yujin is panual demiromantic. he believes that he cannot fall in love with anyone else other than subin. he believes that they are soul mates and she is his saviour.
sleep. again, with such a turbulent schedule, yujin's sleep is erratic. night-shifts at the hospital. late nights writing research papers or studying for exams. early morning shifts at the childcare center. yujin squeezes in sleep wherever he can. most of his sleep doesn't last for more than six hours. typically, he sleeps four hours per night. he is a very still sleeper, but often awakens due to nightmares. nightmares are a constant that he had come to live with. several times, he's woken with tears in his eyes. however, over the years, the nightmares don't effect him nearly as much as they used to, when he was a child. he would usually soundlessly try to go back to sleep, grab a glass of water or just go sit outside, to clear his head.
likes. Tchaikovsky, choi subin, helping others, people who do not pry, steaming white rice, swimming pools, beer, painkillers.
DISLIKES. sweets, himself, his incompetence, people who pry, people who ask personal questions, people who are unnecessarily rude, his entire existence.
yujin says.
· 'yeah, of course i'll help.'
· 'my life? it's been pretty boring.'
· 'i can do it for you.'
· 'i'd rather not answer that.'
· 'i'm sorry.'
· 'you can get drunk, i'll make sure to take you home.'
· 'no, it's my fault.'
· 'how are you feeling today?'
· 'you can get drunk, i'll make sure to take you home.'
· 'no, it's my fault.'
· 'how are you feeling today?'
· 'did you want some? here.'
· 'me? no, i don't hate anyone other than myself.'
· 'i'm so sorry. i take full responsibility.'
· 'me? no, i don't hate anyone other than myself.'
· 'i'm so sorry. i take full responsibility.'
· 'choi subin is my best friend and the love of my life,'
· 'sorry, i'm taken. i'm flattered though. thank you.'
· 'you don't have to please me.'
· 'sorry, i'm taken. i'm flattered though. thank you.'
· 'you don't have to please me.'
+ more to be added if i think of anything.
i'LL become a cherry blossom & fly to you
interlude
hello, yujin. it makes me happy to see you here on this sunny saturday morning. would you like some tea?
— yujin sits on the cushion of the couch, shifting until he finds his spot and finally comes to a settle. nervous. he's usually not too antsy, but being put into a brand new situation, one where he's being assessed — it made him anxious. he immediately smiles in response, however, and it's forced but it's gentle. practiced. he makes sure to straighten out his clean white button-up, fidgeting with the watch at his wrist. his toes curl, a little nervous behind his socks.
— yujin sits on the cushion of the couch, shifting until he finds his spot and finally comes to a settle. nervous. he's usually not too antsy, but being put into a brand new situation, one where he's being assessed — it made him anxious. he immediately smiles in response, however, and it's forced but it's gentle. practiced. he makes sure to straighten out his clean white button-up, fidgeting with the watch at his wrist. his toes curl, a little nervous behind his socks.
'it is quite a fine day; i'm glad you agreed to see me.' he admits, as his eyes flit toward the terrace, taking in the sunlight that skips past the outdoor furniture, casting soft shadows yet lighting the area with warmth.
'thank you for the offer,' yujin instantly moves toward the teapot, carefully holding it with two hands, delicate. he pours a small amount of the tea — the fragrance instantly rousing his nose. jasmine. he looks up toward mr. hwang, teapot still in hand and he blinks, a soft tilt of his head as he questions (there was no way he wouldn't offer), 'would you like me to fill your cup?'
PLEASE PARDON MY NOSINESS, but what made you want to move into this house?
— and immediately, yujin wants to get up and leave. he has never felt all too comfortable speaking about himself. but he perseveres. he bites at the soft flesh of his lip. 'well, a friend of mine...' yujin begins, taking a sip of the tea to pause before placing it back down on the saucer, resting his hands on his navy blue slacks, fingers trembling.
'a friend of mine had actually told me about this place,' he watches mr. hwang nod along to his words, unbothered and waiting for yujin to continue. 'and i've been staying at a place that i've been meaning to move out of soon. IT'S NOT URGENT, BUT I'D LIKE TO vacate it — the sooner the better.'
his words are vague, he feels that any more information is unnecessary. deep in his stomach, he hopes that mr. hwang doesn't find him too distant, but the thickness in his throat and the sweat at his palms reminds him to keep to himself. people don't need to know any more about you.
'i thought this house was the perfect opportunity.'
i see... i hope you will FIND WHAT YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR IN THIS HOUSE, then.
— yujin is unsure of how to reply, what to say. he squirms with the leather band of his watch once more, trying to be quick and think of something to fill the silence. 'i really think i will.'
'from everything i've seen... it seems perfect.'
(mr. hwang sips his tea quietly, eyes staring at the curtains of the living room, dancing in the spring breeze. after a minute or two, YUJIN calls out to him, startling him.)
...oh, i am sorry, my child. WHERE DID I- ah, Would you mind describing a typical day in your life?
— again, yujin stiffens. he balls his fists and it up, a sharp intake of breath to clear his head. he had realised, already, that there were to be many personal questions asked, but combined with his nerves, and the desire to keep his affairs private, he finds it hard to open up.
he decides to look away, the soft fluttering on the curtains, the pots of flowers that lined the terrace. he feels like the silence had persisted for far too long and so he speaks, grabbing his tea cup but not bringing it up to his lips. 'i'm a medical student. i'm often away, studying. i want to be a pediatrician. if i'm not studying, then i am doing my residency at seoul national university hospital. i have a girlfriend subin, who i see often. i work at a childcare center on other days... that's about it.'
he spits out all the vital facts of his life out, one after the other, hoping to get it out as quick as he can.
mr. hwang perks at the mention of his career aspirations and current job, a small smile visible on his lips. 'you MUST like children?'
this, he finally feels, is something he's okay with opening up about. he sighs. small bits of relief. 'yes, i love children. they're always so bright.' he smiles, thinking of the chaotic afternoons at the center.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS HOUSE? I told you it was originally built for someone your age. now that you saw everything, do you think you'd like it here?
— curiousity piques, but yujin shoves it back down; he doesn't want to be invasive. 'i'm sorry you couldn't use it for it's original use.'
— curiousity piques, but yujin shoves it back down; he doesn't want to be invasive. 'i'm sorry you couldn't use it for it's original use.'
mr. hwang instantly waves it off, a small shake of his head and a flutter of his hand.
'i love it. i'm sure i'd enjoy it here very much. you sure knew what you were doing when you designed this place.' yujin chuckles, the first sign of a more relaxed self. he had always felt more comfortable talking about others, and as soon as the conversation had averted away from him, he feels relief. a weight lifted off of his shoulders.
'everything was very well thought out. the sunlight through the glass panels...' he sighs, basking. 'perfect.' and another smile finally graces his lips, but so much more genuine, less forced. he loves the warmth. he takes another sip of the tea, before placing it back once more. he sighs, still taking in the surroundings as his eyes wander the premise.
after you have seen every room in this house, which room would you like to live in?
— yujin had already decided as soon as he saw the room, far before mr. hwang had asked. he's aware that most would prefer room 1a because of privacy, but yujin still speaks up, as he feels it would be the least burdensome for other tenants if yujin stayed there.
he chuckles, unsure on how to start. his nerves had begun to dissipate before, but they're creeping back. in his stomach, crawling up the back of his oesophagus. 'ah... i feel like a lot of people might have said so already,' he's wary, he flips his hair softly out of his way with his delicate fingers as his smile becomes weak.
'but i'd like to stay in room 1a.' he scratches at his neck, his sock-covered feet toeing over each other on the the hardwood floors. 'i study late. i come home late from interning. sometimes, maybe, my girlfriend might want to come over— ah, although, it won't be too often. i think it'd be best for the other tenants so that i don't disturb them. my schedule is a little messy.' he snickers a little to make his request seem a little more reasonable.
mr. hwang sips at his tea, 'it's okay, your girlfriend can definitely come over.'
his hands rest on his lap, twiddling his thumbs and picking at that darn hang nail on his left index. 'i wouldn't mind 1c either. i will definitely come home and HAve late showers, so it might be an advantage there. you'd probably want to put me with a heavy sleeper though.' more laughter, it's beginning to become more obvious that it's forced but mr. hwang smiles in return.
I see. we'll see how things will work out ONCE THE LIST OF TENANTS IS COMPLETED. before we finish this interview... do you have any questions or concerns regarding your possible future in the share house?
— he had contemplated not mentioning it, but he felt, that to be honest in this situation might be his best decision.
'i'd just like to let you know that i smoke. it's not too often, and i will certainly do it outside.' he nods, trying to gauge mr. hwangs response. he doesn't seemed bothered, nodding along with yujin.
'that's fine.'
'also i'm fine with any type of person...' he leans a little closer across the coffee table, his hands pressed onto the couch by either side of him, lips kinking into a playful smile. 'but between me and you, i'm not a huge fan of rowdy.'
he immediately sits back, as mr. hwang cracks into a full smile and a small chortle, 'but of course, of course, i am fine. with anyone. i have these great noise-cancelling headphones if party people are what you're looking for.' and yujin's definitely just jeering him on at this point, and it seems that mr. hwang is enjoying it. maybe a little. yujin feels a little more relief.
(he chuckles, emptying his cup of tea, an amused look on his face as he musters yujin for a few seconds.)
WELL, we'll see what we can do about that. since our time together is over for now, you may go upstairs to the rooftop and tell the next person to come to the living room. thank you for the nice chat we had.
WELL, we'll see what we can do about that. since our time together is over for now, you may go upstairs to the rooftop and tell the next person to come to the living room. thank you for the nice chat we had.
— 'no, no, thank you. i hope to hear from you soon.' yujin stands up, instantly and subtly trying to make sure his hands aren't absolutely covered in perspiration before he reaches out for a handshake.
'thank you so much. again.'
and yujin's unsure of the impression he made as he walks off toward the stairs. he's wary — a little pessimistic about his chances of becoming a tenant in the spring house. he's prepared to continue looking for places to stay. as he walks up the stairs, he pulls out his cell phone and dials subin.
i'LL PUT AN END TO THIS LONG WINTER.
WELCOME HOME, DRIA
SCENE REQUESTS i'm blank atm, (i'll add more if i think of any!) but i'd like to see yujin talk to the sixth tenant. just openly speak to the fluttering of the curtains, or the shift of the flower vase. maybe have the other tenants be kinda... weirded out by it lol.
comments uh, i feel like yujin... got a little more intense than i had previously intended. but! i still hope you like him. any proper comments i have on yujin will be put in my comment thread below.
momentum a study in regret.
alternatively, the ghosts were us.
alternatively, the ghosts were us.
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