I guess I'd always known it. My mother really doesnt care for me at all.

When I was in school, the only time i had asked her to attend a parent teacher meeting was in seventh grade because our teacher was way too strict about it. and she ended up attending the wrong meeting because she had no idea which class I was in and she attended the whole thing and didnt realise it herself because she knew literally nothing about my studies. i thought maybe things would change when I grew up. I took up Engineering because I thought she would be pleased and its like she didnt even notice. I dont know, is that normal? Like I'd always been a daddy's girl (well... always isnt really a long time since my father died when I was eight) but I never felt like there was any kind of distance between us although she had always been a really hands-off sort of mother. when I was younger, I actually thought that was so cool. All of my friends had to follow so many rules or devise great plans to sneak out. I felt proud that my mother trusted me so much. I could be online all night if i wanted to (I didnt even have a facebook account). I could let my grades drop (I was a straight A student). i could literally have multiple boyfriends (didnt have even a single one). She never offered advice even if I asked for it. Never asked me anything about my life. And I knew if I got into trouble, she wasnt going to bail me out. I thought it would make me responsible.

It didnt. Now, as an adult, I see that all it did was make me lonely and distrustful of people in authority. This is really awful. I am not some helpless little cybaby who wants attention. Most people would say that I am independent and assertive and always ready with a sarcastic reply. (well... to be honest, they might say that I am aloof and rude and not a team player). But what I definitely am not is some little writing about how her mother doesnt care. Except I am that. Usernames are just there to help people live in denial.

And now here i am, stuck with some stupid major i do not care about. My friends dont really understand me because i am not ready to share all this with them. Anonymously? Sure. But not as myself. And I have no idea what mindset I should adopt because honestly, I skipped out on so many experiences during my teens that I am not sure that my judgement's mature enough.

.

This new year is going even worse than the old one.

And I've been sad for so long over the same stupid problems that cant be solved, its like even my own brain is calling me out on my drama queen behavior.