I normally would never talk about something like this because this is so personal to me. I don't even talk to 99% of my friends/family about this because it's embarassing and hard to explain to those whose mind is not open.

I have Trichotillomania. Trich. TTM. Whatever you may call it. And have been dealing with it for 10 years now.

Trichotillomania defined by Google: A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair.

I started in 8th grade. I remember it exactly. I was in History class watching some WWI movie that I didn't have any interest in watching. I remember rubbing my head and had a sensitive spot, so I went and found the hair that was causing the pain and plucked it out. When it did, a root came out. It eased the pain and I was so fasinated that I wanted to find more. So, I started finding more.

When the root comes out, it released endorphines and that fueled my craving for more.

All it took was 6 months for me to have a full head of hair, long nice hair, to entering freshman year with bald spots and shaggy hair. It was then that my self-confidence went to and I had to develope a " OFF" mentality to hide the fact that I was being shunned by everyone because of my appearance.

No one understood why my hair went to , but the next best thing I could get labeled with was "You know the cancer girl?" yup. I was labeled as "The Cancer Girl" I was given an illness that I did not have. It hurt. I never corrected anyone on it because, what would people think? "Oh! Haha! No, sorry guys. I dont have cancer! I'm just an endorphine addict that pulls out her hair!" 

Yeaaaaah no.

Another 6 months and it still got worse, I was pulling anywhere from 18-40 hairs a day. I eventually tried to find something that would help hide my bald spots.... hmm... I know.... an incredibly unrealistic weave! That outta do it! And to make it seem more legit, lets have my white cousin do it! No worry, no problem!

That was probably the worst idea I ever had. It was not even sewn in, it was glued in. I eventually had to rip junks of hair out to get the glue out. It just made it worse. #StupidWhiteGirl

Summer came and I actually didn't pull. My hair had started to grow back in. I was happy.

Oh wait, those damn finiky hands gravitated towards my eyebrows. Every stray hair or hair that looked out of place was pulling. My eyebrows became so damn thin and eventually stopped growing. Now I have to draw them on or else something is WRONG with my face when I go out in public.

Oh wait, lets go back to your head again.

Eventually, I decided "If I can't hide it this way, what if I dye my hair bleach blonde? No one will see it then" and that is what I did for 6 years. I chemically destroyed my hair so that people couldnt see my patches although causing my hair to feel like hay and be so fragile. Two years ago, I managed to grow my hair back out again and have it my natural dirty blonde/brown color and then cut all my hair off to start fresh. My hair is so much healthier now, but I found myself recently pulling again. 

The worse thing my Trich made me do was start pulling my lashes to the point where I didnt have any anymore.

My lashes use to be so incredibly long (Thanks, moms genes) and I loved them but my damn TTM took them from me. I started off with patches that grew back and would be gone again soon, repeated process over and over again. Eventually one night, I was so upset. I don't remember what it was about, but I remember calling my best friend in tears. "Jasz, I ed up. I didn't realize what I was doing until it was gone. Theyre gone. Every single lash is gone. I'm so pathetic".

It was a struggle growing them back out because they grow at an angle and it pokes the lids when you blink, so it took all the power I could not to touch them.... but that didn't last long. That is something that I still struggle with HARD till today. I can't go out without eye makeup done. I regret it everyday.

Because of Trich...

I can't have fun swimming during the day because I don't want other people seeing that I'm missing brows and lashes.

Showering is scary, just looking at myself when I get out.

I waste a lot of $$$ on makeup

I lost confidence to go around bare faced.

I lost self esteem

Self worth.

It's been 10 years and I still haven't kicked this OCD disorder. Whenever I am watching a movie in the living room, I often get smacked or yelled at "STOP PICKING" "DONT TOUCH YOUR HAIR" "PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN" because my mom knows what will happen if they graviate towards my hair. Same with my eyes.

I do thank my mom for the support because she's put me on pills to help hair growth, found special shampoo, sent me to a dermetologist, constantly helps me by telling me not to pull. I dont think she fully understands it, but she has accepted it.

The only reason why I am speaking out about this now is because I found some awesome people on Youtube and Instagram that have opened themselves up about their Trich and how they aren't afraid to tell the world. I wish to strive like that instead of hiding in the shadows.

Now, I want to help others like myself. I want to educate others. Also, to open myself up to others to be socially accepted. Although on here, many of you dont know my real name, or any social media accts- but this will help me open up about my condition to people on my public accounts.

If you guys feel like you still have questions, feel free to message me. Google has a lot of answers too. Research. Offer guidance and make a difference. Don't judge by appearances. 

If there are any other fellow Trichsters, don't be shy to DM me to talk to me. Lets fight this together ♥

~Andy