I have officially gone crazy.

Warning: Thread is too personal for the author of this blog.

There's this guy that I really like in my school since August. Actually I started liking him since June (the start of class here) but I remained in denial since he was in an uncommitted relationship with one of my friends. The girl's not actually my real friend, kinda like an acquaintance but I knew her for years and I have high respect for people. I noticed him because he wore t-shirts too big for his size and his coconut-shaped hair. (Look for Jungkook if you wan't to know) and I really rooted for him since he's also a k-popper. Man, finding a fanboy these days are hard, since men in here refer to idols as gay simply because they wear make-up (which is atrocious).

Either way, he pulled me closer to him like a magnet. Know that I'm a deprived human being. I never had my first kiss, nor my first boyfriend nor my crush liking me back. In reality, I actually had some of my crushes like me back but there's always a problem. One time my best friend liked my crush so I gave him up for her. One time he was looking for a real relationship so I hooked him up with someone even though I know too well that I can provide him with it. Yes, I'm too nice that's why I don't get any guy. Hahaha. Or I'm just a coward, that's all.

Let's just call this guy as P. So it all started when P started noticing me months after they broke up with my friend. They never broke up because they were never a couple. He was giving me trivial signs: like he will always block me on my way, or he'll just stand in front of me and stare at me straight to the eye. There was even a time where he playfully cornered me at a wall. My heart was thumping crazily, and I had trouble breathing. I was finally admitting my growing crush to him.

But things got a lot messy. My bestfriend told me to stop crushing on him. (There's drama here) Here's our conversation on messenger

Friend: Stop whatever you're feeling for P

Me: Why?

Friend: He's not gonna like you

Me: Why?

Friend: He's into pretty girls.

Me (pretending to be dumb): Why?

Friend: Just look at yourself in the mirror.

I bawled my eyes that night. I can't believe those harsh words came out of my bestfriend's mouth. And I foolishly followed her mean piece of advice. I have always been insecured about myself and my relationship to others. It was only this year that I started to accept who I am and with just one simple phrase from him, I began to question myself again. I mean, modesty aside: I'm smart with perfect As all the time and a general average of 96.3; I'm religious which means I'm soft spoken and is kind; I am loved by my classmates; I am pretty if I try to put on lipstick and brush the hair out of my face. And I'm hilarious too.

I used to be really sad about it. I always asked myself what I lack and why I can't attract anyone. Someone told me that boys are intimidated of me because I was too close to perfect, but it never lifted the heavy strings in my heart. I was crying back then too. I am thankful of my golden traits that God has given me, but I also do not wish to act dumb just so that boys will like me. I'm not that shallow. And they can't tell me either. Because in a room full of people where you're the only one who never felt the feeling of your love being reciprocated to you, wouldn't one be depressed?

But I messed up. I avoided him. In the first weeks, he doubled his habit of annoying me. He was always calling out my name and things. On the next weeks, I felt like he already realized what I meant and he stopped picking on me. Then on the next week, he started avoiding me too. Last month I found out he's dating someone else already.

Now I want to move on. As I said earlier, I respect people. No matter how much I like him, I still respect his relationship. I have no intention of stealing him nor luring him out. But I can't seem to move on unless I was able to confess my feelings for him.

And now I'm really nervous. I just went to his name and messaged him with my own self-made poem. Here it is:

My heart has a mouth, and it yearns to speak

Of the truth I cannot get out of my throat

I lay in my sleep turning and unsure

This restlessness I can’t seem to fathom

Months have passed since that treacherous day

And now I do not wish for any conversations

This is a secret better to be buried in a grave

So that I can receive the peace I once lost

I’d admit you started to pollute my veins

And I was foolish to welcome the feeling

What can a foolish girl do but be a fool

And build a wall in a form of avoidance

We are parallel lines

Introduced to each other but never meant to meet

And I’d be more than willing to forget this

You will never see me as it is.

Therefore allow me and my selfishness

To free myself of my guilt and doubts

There, I told you everything already

I expect no replies nor questions

Let’s just keep things that way.

I'm really nervous right now. Do you think he'd get the message I'm trying to pass on to him or was the story too profound. Also, did I do the right thing?

*insert ugly crying emojis here*