Poster

I can say that the poster can improve. I’ll suggest that you give it more insight for the readers of what the story is about. Like, put a fox corresponding with Taemin in front of him so that the readers know that the story is fantasy. You don’t have to that my advice cuz I know it’s not the best one. I also noticed that Taemin and Minho was filtered many times, I’ll try and avoid that as much as I can though. Also, the hooded man is not necessary in the poster but if you think he is then that’s fine by me. I like the dark feel to it though, it kind of give me the chills.

And the quote at the bottom, I suggest you leave the first line there because, man, that’s deep stuff, and get rid of the rest of the quote. Because putting the whole quote there makes the text small and the readers will have a hard time trying to read it. I love the moon btw; it makes me think there will be some bloody violence in the story.

 In the chapters, you kept on mentioning that Taemin has red hair, but in the poster he doesn’t have it. I suggest you put red hair Taemin in the poster. I was confused when you kept on saying Taemin has red hair when in the poster he doesn’t. In all, the poster can improve, I suggest you to go and request in Ilaria Multi Shop, there are some great graphics designers there.

Opening scene

The story begins with a great hook which creates the desire to read more. In the first chapter, making the mother missing makes me want to read more and it creates this curiosity of why did she disappeared. So Forbidden takes the reader on a journey with Taemin to find his mother. The raw emotion in the second chapter is like a bomb.

The manuscript begins with information of the creatures of this fantasy world and I like that. It gives the reader background information to read on. Then it proceeded to the next scene which is the home of Taemin and his mother. As I far as I can read, you have trouble introducing scenes and characters. The first chapter is where it all started. Right after you gave me some general information of kistunes, there is a smooth transition of the background information and the information of the characters. But here where the problem lies; there was no setting at all when the first dialogue appeared. But after that, was I given a setting of a house. It would be better if you mentioned the house first. Here is an example:

Taemin’s mother was a seven tailed Kitsune, which made her approximately seven hundred years old. But that was all he knew; apart from that she and her only son lives far away from human civilization in a chalet in the woods.

From there you can then write the reasons they live so far away, after that when it’s back to the present time, describe the chalet. Also, when you mentioned the mother’s name it was never mentioned it again. If you intend to refer to her by her birth name, then do it. If you don’t want to, then don’t mention it but you can introduce her name in the narrating bit, you know, the part where you were talking about her. And to make the legend more interesting, you shu8old give the goddess a name; a Japanese one. I researched the origins of Kitsune and they are from Japanese folk lore. Now that I mentioned it, why is there a clash in culture? Like there are Kitsune and Gumiho. Kitsune is the Japanese version and Gumiho is the Korean one. There are both the same. Unless you are just taking the name. in that case, I’ll suggest you take the names but modify them somehow to your taste so that it is your original idea.

To sum it up, the story did set in the right time, a really dramatic one too, but it was just the problem of not introducing thing properly. If you are having trouble of writing like that example, just follow this rule: when, where, who, what and how for the induction for the introduction of the story.

Characterization and Motivation

I love the way that you showed all of the different sides of each characters. A main example for me would be Minho. I was surprised, well not really surprised, I kind of knew that was going to happen anyway, when he showed genuine care for Taemin. The characters in the story are compelling (which is an understatement). The one who holds this title would be Onew. He has a very mysterious past and the smile that he always put on is sometimes never true. Sometimes when I was reading the parts that were revealing pasts of Onew, I could not help but like stop reading for a minute to prepare myself to read on. The most sympathetic character would definitely be Luna. Her history is so sad and romantic. And her feelings of wanting to leave her son is really tragic but she trusts Onew enough to car for him in her place.

The characters feel very fantastical apart from Taemin. He just feels like a teenager ready to face the world with his sassiness. Each characters have their own story, flaws, very distinct voices and personality and virtues and motivation. I can actually see this as an anime.

Secondary characters such as the guards and Joy are well-rounded and enhances the story so much. Like the guards plays a very important role, well, in chapter fourteen at least. And Joy, man, she’s the reason why Taemin is still alive before meeting the rest. Her joyous attitude is the complete opposite of Taemin. But she manages to cheer him up and give him advices.

The relationships between the characters are not contrived all in any way.

Plot and Conflict

All of the external and internal conflicts of each characters are well defined, especially the werewolves, Minho and Jonghyung has to consistently fight within themselves. All of the conflicts feel so real and very original and definitely not contrived and absolutely out of characterization and the circumstances they are in. The tensions here are so, I can’t really explain that feeling. It like, omg-i-wanna-know-but-something-unexpected-might-come-up. Yeah, that feeling. It’s that fangirling moment. Everything is totally not cliché but the plot brings a very fresh perspective to that idea of going to an adventure with other people. The characters’ reaction to events are very realistic, especially when Taemin revealed that he is not a full Kitsune.

Pacing

The chapters progress with a somewhat effective transition. Sometimes it’s hard for me to read on because you haven’t established from what character’s perspective am I looking at in the start. Each scene adds to the story. The story is going at a reasonable pace, there’s no rushing whatsoever. There is always a hook at the end of each chapter; there is no chapter I have seen so far that is without a cliffhanger. The background information definitely does not slow the pace of the story at all. Honey, I think you should put out every interesting information of the story out there.

Setting and World Building

There should be a bit more description but when there is, dang, is it so creative. Like thousands of thoughts. The details even the smol (small) ones are important and not distracting me from the story.

Dialogue

The dialogue is natural and appropriate for the genre of the story is not over used. The dialogues also move the story forward and reveals the characters. There is a really good mix of dialogues and narrations which enhances the respective emotions.

Craft

The writing quality doesn’t affect the story line negatively but it does affect the way I read tho. I’m not sure about other readers, but that’s just how I feel. It’s not jarring or intrusive. The tone is appropriate and consistent for the story. The point of view is handled with great care and is consistent. Just make it really obvious when you are changing character’s perspective, like, put a page break or a line will do.

Overall Impression

The voice in the story is very original which is what I want and it is very interesting. From a reader’s point of view, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story, it makes me want to read more and that cliffhanger at chapter fourteen tho. However, I noticed that you were struggling with using the correct words in the correct situation and you seemed to have switch words. Like, able and capable. In most sentences where the word ‘able…to’, it should be replaced with capable or another word close to it. There are also other words like this but I want you to found them yourself so that you can learn.

I’ll just give marks on everything.

Title: 4/5

Graphics: 3.5/5

Forward & Description: 5/5 (you have your name, rating, genre, characters, pairing and credits)

Plot: 10/10

Flow: 20/20

Character & relationship development: 20/20

Grammar, spelling, word choice: 8.5/15

Overall: 18/20

Total points: 89/100