Personal Troubles

Read if you want to hear a rant about my pathetic personal life.

 

I think it is a bit strange that I feel more comfortable talking about my personal life here than to people I know in my life. But here I go ranting along on AFF because I am not comfortable sharing my personal preferences like my obsession with SNSD, hidden lust for Taeyeon or the fact that I prefer women over men.

So because of this thing I have for women, I would say that makes me a horrible friend and I am bound to ruin friendships because of it. Sometimes I befriend girls because I think they are pretty or whatever and then fall for them (yea starting to sound like a fanfic here), but this isn't good. Most of my friends are straight and don't swing that way even though I wish they would. Then I get jealous and insecure which leads to me saying things that will eventually push that person away. Eventually that leaves me in complete and utter depression.

So here I go again on this same path. I did this before about 6-8 years ago with a friend. I really loved her a lot and it did lead to 'something' although I think she recepricated because she was that good of a friend. That was not a good way to do it...because it felt like I was lead on and then my fantasy crumbled when she was more blunt with me about how she was not that way and never would be. Our friendship took a lot of time to heal and now with her having a kid and with a stable boyfriend...well she and I are like ok but not close. (For those that read my fanfics, if you ever read Hot n Cold that was basically my struggles with her)

Second time I royally ed things up. I had a really good friend all through college and I really loved her too. But I would say stupid things and get insanly jealous although I had no right to be. She had a steady boyfriend and there was no way in hell I would be with her. She hid the fact that she didn't like the way I acted around her and just told me one day "I never really liked you" (as a friend). She got married and shortly after she wanted to cut all contact. That hit me so hard. 

Third time happened recently. I was living overseas and fell for a girl I was playing tennis with. I would flirt and stuff and one night I was very close to making a move but I didn't. With her not speaking English well and stuff it was hard knowing if she did feel that way or not for me. I was talking to her last night (through messaging because she is still overseas and I am not anymore) and she said she noticed the flirting and it made her confused. I don't really know what that means because yet again her English problems could make that mean several things. She is never bluntly honest with me about things which makes it more confusing. I don't know what to think and I do what I always do in situations when I feel hurt or frustrated and that is push people away. She didn't do it but I am doing it because I am so tired of hurting. I feel like I am getting into this tunnel where I am forced to live in a life that makes me only experience one-sided love. To love and recieve that same love back is something I am sure we all long for. It is a theme in all my stories that I want to give because I think this is really something I can't have in my own life. I want to see that happy ending but I think I can only see it in my stories.

 

So here I am all depressed again because my life is lonely. Because I trapped in a life where I can't be open about who I am and what my needs are. Because I am a coward to face the world and show them I am a bit different. Here I am stuck in the same one-sided love.

 

 

Thank you for reading and comment if you please....although talking to myself is something I do often anyway.

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damia178244 #1
I had once couple with my best friend and we never treated each other as a friend during our friendship actually. So when we became a couple it was a heaven to me. I fell for her hard enough that when she told me she had fall for other man on our 3rd year together, my life crumpled to ashes. I failed my interview and tests which never happened to me. I started to skip classes and zoom out during class. It's totally hard since we were roommates. And now both of us are married and have one child and we promise to make out child together on behalf of our fail relationship. I told you this story just to tell you that sometimes life is not easy to us but there will be times that happiness will come to us.
mzlyod #2
Just go for it dude... all in! Go big or go home.
StarDream_ #3
Hey, it's okay dude. I'm in the same boat as you do actually, and very much similar as well. I don't get comfortable telling people around me about me. Though I can't speak about my preference, I'm pretty sure if ever I found out about it, I'm very sure I still liked women.
I know how it felt about befriending this person cuz they're oh-so pretty and then falling for them. I've been in that since like...7 years ago, and I'm still hopelessly looking at her. Well yeah, she only regards me as a best friend, a senior and a sister. As much as I'd love to pull a move on her, I'm afraid I would ruin whatever it is that we have, if ever she's just as straight. Note that she hasn't expressed any interest in anyone before. So here I am, wallowing in my pathetic self, choosing to do whatever it is that makes her happy. As long as she is happy, I'm contented.

What I'm saying is that, yes, everyone wishes to love and be loved at the same time by the same person. But it's not always we get that, especially people like us, and so look forward. Perhaps these people are just not worth it, the one for you has yet to come. Catsba, you're an amazing person, don't worry about it c:

p.s: please ignore that this acc is a male acc LOL
Bumella #4
i have afriend who has a relationship problem now.. since she can'the bought a bear.. and talk to it...
sometimes i feel it better to talk to netizens or maybe strangers..
people who are not living near us now..
i guess it's the fear of being discriminated etc..
cheer up.. we will always be here to listen to u..
don't worry i'm sure u can get over it one day.. listen to music
JuliaDearest #5
Same with me only with girls and boys. Hopefully you will find the love and happiness you deserve. :)
minshee09 #6
i think were on the same boat. its okay dude. just feel the pain until pain itself surrender. :)
hope you find someone that deserves you. Hwaiting! :)
wqwqwq12 #7
it's very okay to share the personal thought rather than bottled up by yourself :) i have one friend, she has same condition like you, and when she confessed that maybe she had a crush to her bestfriend, suddenly her inner circle left her alone and yeah, became judgemental. my best friend and i (we're from different group anw) approached her and tried to cheer up, i know maybe some of different orientation always be the most problem on teenager or adult life nowadays, but my friend and i didnt take that feels. the important thing that you should know, you never be alone :)

i dont know, if my comments make you relieved or not. i'm straight as in my friends usually said "you're ing straight" but i never hid my weird obsession to Jessica. sometimes, people who didnt know me will judge as they wanted to judge anyway. on the first time, i felt like my life is a sin. but as time goes by, i found that some other friends which are know who i am clarified to other person.
my point is, life must go on Catsba-nim :) either you have another preference or not, trust me you will find the best one for you, either as your friend or your partner. so, cheer up :))
MaoMao_96 #8
I understand your pain :)
Sharing is caring right?
Caniwi #9
It's totally okay to rant about your life in the internet, most of the time one is ashamed to share their experiences with their close friends/family. Afraid they would judge them, so I understand.
As for the unrequited love struggles, I have them as well. Honestly, it gets tiring. Everytime I like/love someone it's always unrequited and ruining friendships over it is really painful. I only have one advice and that is to wait (just like I'm doing), love doesn't show itself when you look for it, you have to wait for it to happen. Also, maybe putting some limits between you and your friends would be good, like reminding yourself that you shouldn't fall for them if you know they are straight or something in the lines of it. Of course, this is only advice and you can choose to do whatever you want to do in the end.
Just remember that you are certainly not alone and that many people experience the same pain everyday as well (; u ;) have a good day!
Raven9 #10
I'm crying for what do you post here because I know what you're going through. 3 weeks ago the girl I love, she tell me she have a boyfriend, That killed me I had never felt a pain like the one I felt at that time I spent a week crying like I had never done in my life And that's all I can do, suffering in silence since I dare not speak openly about it and that gradually depresses me and makes me feel alone. I just hope that one day I have the courage to tell my loved ones my ual preferences. I appreciate you taking the time to write stories with happy endings, they are a great help to continue with difficult situations And I want to tell you that you are not alone. I think that someday we gonna to find the right person for us
Phoenix_GZB #11
I cannot completely understand your pain, but I do however share similar circumstances. It's a good thing to speak out about your troubles whether it is to people in real life or the internet. It is still talking to other people that have a chance of sharing that same experience.
Depending on your age I suppose and your life experiences, just keep in mind that there are plenty of people out there that can connect with your pain. You are only young so there is no need to necessarily panic about your love life just yet :) In time you will find the right one even if it seems merely impossible, just hold onto that belief and you shall surely make it come true.

I'm sorry if this didn't help but I do tend to try and support you :)
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