Hi, this is me, and this ain't a fanfic. I'm just going to talk about me, which is not interesting, so if you open this, close your tab like right now, before you regret.

I bet you're already listened to Awake by Jin, so i'll consider you know what the song's meaning. But if you don't, i'll tell you here.

I'm not being faithful, i'm trying to endure. The only thing i can do is this. I want to stay, i want to dream a little more. But still, its time to leave.

It's my truth, it's my truth. It's probably covered in scars. But it's my fate, it's my fate. But i want to struggle.

Maybe i, i can never fly. Like the flowers over there. I can't become like those with wings.
Maybe i, i can't touch the sky. But i want to stretch my arms, i wanr to run just a little bit.

I am just walking and walking in this darkness. Happy times asked me if i am really okay. No, i answered, no i am very frightened. But i tightly hold six flowers and i'm only walking. No.

Wide awake, wide awake, wide awake, don't cry.
Wide awake, wide awake, wide awake, no lie.

When people asked me what is my fav song in Wings, i always said Lie and Cypher 4, i excluded Awake because, hell, the song is fit me almost perfectly.

I guessed everyone has their own hard times for their own hardships, and so do i.

I don't know where to start, so i'll randomly talk about my .

I've never be compared to my friends or anyone, somehow i liked it but i actually know it's because i'm not worthy. Im no worth to be compared to anyone. When people told me "everybody is special" i thought they just lied to me to not make me think bad about myself but they told me "everybody" not "you" so i guessed i'm not a part of "everybody" because i know i'm not. Nothing special about me.

But i've tried, i've tried to show that i'm a bit worthy, although i ended up ruined everything, but i've tried. So when it's says it's time to leave, i already leave.

Sometimes i thought to myself, how to improve myself, how to not disappoint or embarrass my family and my friends. And the other times, i thought about how bad i was and how bad i am, how can i live comfortably when i don't even make an effort to get all of this, how can i say i'm a good person when i'm a total liar, i don't deserve my life. Yet im afraid to die. But, in another times, i was thinking to kill myself. Or go out from my parent's house and starve myself so i can slowly kill myself. But i'm a bull, im just a coward loser. I don't even dare to step out of my parent's house to live by my own. In my age, i don't bother to get a job. Wtf, am i a human? I better to be an ant so i could die easily.

I always put on a smile, they think i'm a happy person, or just insane -which is true-, i put on a smile to cover my scars, to cover my fragility, to cover my true self. I was bullied and i use it for my excuse whenever i started to be myself or when i started to cry, cry over myself. I told you i'm not a good person, i've been mean and hurt people around me with my tongue, i could say hurtful words easily and i blame my past life for it. I said i want to be tough, am i kidding? How could i think by saying hurtful words i'll be tough? I'm so stupid. But true, i was bullied verbally and i started to sharpen my tongue, talking logically and started annoying and hurting people.

Then when i realized how bad i am, i wanted to stop in any ways, and die was included.

-maybe i can never fly, like the flower petals, i can't become like those with wings.-
i'll never fly, just like what i've told you, because i'm not worthy.

- i'm just walking and walking in this darkness-
darkness is the best place for me, because i'm a bad person, i'm only walking because there's no beautiful ending in my path, why should i run if i don't have an end.

It's not like i'm not grateful for being born, i just know how useless i am. and i don't know how to fix myself.

It's my fate, but as i live my life, i want to struggle.

I know, what i wrote here maybe so different like what Jin means, but yeah.. i don't even know why i wrote this when i know none will read this trash. Maybe because i really want to say it all but i have no place and i have no one to talk to.

This is so random. If you read this, i'm sorry. And thank you.