Chat Crack!Fic Part 1
In the strange dimension of South Korea resides a group of very strange people. They like to claim normalcy, but their actions are quite the opposite.
Our story takes place on a typical Saturday night in South Korea. As each member of this dysfunctional family signs in and enters the strange dimension, the weirdness level increases by over 9000 levels.
Gab is the first one to log on as usual, and immediately she begins complaining about her lack of a social life and creying. She sits in the middle of a park, occasionally conjuring an image of a meme to display her loneliness and inability to speak.
Fishie is next, but Gab ignores her. She’s someone’s name and there are suspicious sounds being made, so Gab keeps her head down and pulls at the grass. You would really think people would have some decency in the middle of a park, but Fishie is shameless.
This continues for a few minutes, the sounds of “Hoya, Hoya” turning into “Dongwoon, Dongwoon”. When she is yet another name, Gab loses it.
“Are you serious! We’re in a park!” she shouts while covering her eyes. She really doesn’t want to see what’s going on. “Hey! Don’t throw your scakes at me! Okay, I’m going -- yah!”
The sound of another portal opening stops Gab from running away. She launches herself at Boom, creying about Fishie’s never-ending ual encounters. Jay portals in not a moment later, and the trio is stuck watching Fishie as Seungri walks off.
“Are you done?” Jay asks exasperatedly, narrowing his eyes at the now flopping and flailing creature on the ground. He curses under his breath in Tagalog.
“She’ll never be done,” Boom says airly before conjuring Hyukjae out of thin air. “Now if you’ll excuse us, we have business to attend to.” her and Hyukjae walk away from the park silently, hoping to not raise suspicion.
“Dad, I’m bored. Make me some food.” Gab says simply, hopping in place as Jay checks his phone. The teen is ignored in favor of her father texting back his wife, grinning like an idiot.
Gab huffs. “Whatever, I don’t need you anyway. I have my own wife.”
Conveniently Star portals in at that moment. However, she’s displaying a few suspicious looking marks on her neck, probably from Jonghyun.
“Dammit! Is everyone getting it in but me?!”
---
They’re officially going to hell.
y is prancing around in her Hitler costume, speaking in gibberish that she thinks sounds like German. Tani is currently putting on her white wig, deciding that she wants to be George Washington for the day. Booey and Gab argue over who gets to be Kim Jongil and who gets to be Kim Jongun. Joseph Stalin and John F. Kennedy are walking around, but no one know who they are.
“I ALWAYS top so I get to be Jongil!” Gab shouts, stomping her foot as she looks up -- way up -- at Booey. “I don’t care if you’re taller! I get to be Jongil!”
Booey glances down at the angry mixed girl before rolling his eyes and pinning the “김종일＂badge on his costume.
Soon the roleplay begins, with Ephy screaming from the sidelines about her undying love for Kimcest. Kim Jongil, Kim Jongun, and Hitler are currently going at it while George Washington and Joseph Stalin have an educated conversation on whether a democracy or a communist society is the way to go. George Washington decides that if he had known such a great thing as “communism” existed, he would’ve established America with that government instead.
A few people roaming around the park wonder how anyone could be so sick and corrupted. The group is now holding hands and dancing, their chatter quickly building into a chant of “North Korea is the best Korea!”
---
“CL! OH GOD CL I LOVE YOU.” Xandra sobs into her pillow as she clutches magazine cutouts of Lee Chaerin to her chest. It’s not fair, she thinks, that a human can be so perfect.
Gently organizing the cutouts, she spots another Asian woman on the back of a picture of CL modeling for a CF.
“Amber…Josephine…Liu…” she reads the name on the bottom of the picture before raising her gaze to glance at the tomboyish figure on the page. “Oh god, Amber,” she moans as she pushes the CL cutouts a side and kisses her newfound obsession.
---
“You know Chrys, I can’t be ed to care right now to be honest.” Ash sighs. She loves her best friend, but sometimes it has gone too far.
“But look at what she’s doing!” Chrys gasps as she stares at the portal in the bathtub. “She’s gone mad!”
“Gone mad? Xandra’s always been a little bit mad…” Ash mutters under her breath.
“But we still love her,” Chrys says with a sigh as she drains the bathtub. She can’t watch anymore.”
“That’s true,” Ash says a bit sadly, jumping when Chrys’ mom starts yelling at them in angry Chinese.
“Let’s go,” Chrys whispers, “she said she’s going to drag us out by our ears if we don’t.”
---
“You know, Kathleen,” Jay says as he holds out her chair for her. They’re at a small café in the middle of town on another date. “You look the same as you always do: beautiful and perfect.”
Kathleen giggles, muttering her thanks. She blushes and Jay immediately comments on it:
“Your blush is so beautiful and red, red like my never ending passion for you. Although this is the third month of bliss, I hope that our passion for each other never dies out.”
Before Kathleen can open to respond, Gab portals in.
“Dad, I have something for you.” she says solemnly as she hands him a note from her pediatrician.
“Since when do you have diabetes?!”
“Since five seconds ago.”
“And sixteen cavities?”
“Over the past three months.” she shrugged, glancing between her parents. “Mom, I’m surprised that you’re not worse off than I am.”
Kathleen shrugs and laughs. “You get used to it.”
Jay is getting increasingly more agitated, so he rips up the note and summons a portal. “Gab, you can leave now.”
---
“You know, Fishie, I don’t care what anyone else says about you,” Dongwoon starts off thoughtfully, pulling Fishie closer as they cuddle on his bed. “I see you as a beautiful Cambodian empress who uses her beauty to her advantage. I’m just surprised that you picked me out of all people.”
Fishie sighs, kissing Dongwoon’s cheek before turning away to hide how incredibly happy she is. If only he knew how many months of soul-searching and encounters with many handsome Korean men it took to find him, the love of her life.
---
“You know, it’s almost impossible to level up thirty levels in one day, but you seemed to do it.” Alex says in awe as she watches Ephy’s Pokemon prance around the Poke Gym. It’d been recently built near the heart of Seoul and only the best of the best could get to it.
“I’m the best, what else do you expect?” Ephy says airily, watching proudly as her teａm dominated the other Pokemon. She was especially proud of her Jirachi, Shuckle, and Swadloon, noticing how they pranced around with an air of superiority. The talented trainer often considered herself an elitist prick, and she was one, but she was awesome, so she was well-liked.
“Well, I once leveled up my Pokemon twenty-two levels in 27 hours,” Fishie called as she tried to wrestle her Zubat away from a Magikarp, but was lifted off the ground. She held on for dear life as she was flown around, barely hanging onto her Zubat’s foot as she screamed for dear life.
Alex and Ephy watched from the ground, laughing to the point of tears. “How does she expect to control that thing with only two badges?”
---
Dazz and Booey ware hopeless romantics at best, and stalkers at worst.
They sat together just outside of an outdoor fansign event, watching the nine most famous female idols in Korea interact with lucky fans.
“I want Jessica to have my babies,” Booey said suddenly, twisting the nobs on his binoculars to get a better view of Jessica. His binoculars dipped momentarily, gazing at the globes on her chest before focusing on her face again.
“Is it weird that I have every photo ever taken of Sunny saved on my computer?” Dazz asked suddenly, glancing at the younger boy.
“Nah,” Booey said as he moved his binoculars over to Yuri. “I want her to have my babies, too. Our children would be so attractive.”
“Do you think Sunny likes chodes?” Dazz asked hesitantly after a few minutes of silence. Booey lowered his binoculars, staring at Dazz with a confused expression on his face.
“…why do you ask?”
“Oh, no reason at all.”
---
“Hyukjae, can’t we have on a bed? A car isn’t exactly very comfortable.”
Boom glared at the Ferrari waiting in front of them, crossing her arms stubbornly. She was close to stomping her foot, but figured that wouldn’t help her case.
“But…car is .” Hyukjae whined before taking off his shirt. “And really, how can you resist this?” he said before grabbing Boom’s hand and running it down his chest, smirking at the way her eyes widened. “We can do it later in a bed, but let’s do it now in the car.”
Warily Boom eyed the car and sighed in defeat. “Fine.”
---
“Did you remember the lube? Gab hates it when no one ever remembers the lube.”
Gongchan stared wide-eyed at Sakay, Tani, and Booey. “Lube?”
“Yeah, she hates it dry. Oh, and she always tops.” Tani said while nodding her head, conjuring up a bottle of liquid before handing it to Gongchan.
“Will I survive tonight?” Gongchan whined.
“Hopefully.” the trio shrugged their shoulders, patting his back sympathetically before they exited the bedroom.
---
Somehow the entire group had ended up at the food court in the mall, immediately starting a shouting match of ual innuendos and foreign languages.
Jay and his Filipino followers were yelling at everyone in Tagalog, while Gab, Kathleen, and Jae were yelling back in Spanish. The handful of Koreans were simply conversing back and forth, little speech bubbles full of Hangeul popping up by their heads. A few people were speaking in Chinese, while the rest cried with each other in English.
“What is going on?” Siwon asked as he entered in his holy Shishus glory. Everyone stopped arguing to look at the man, yelling “GET OUT!” in their language before resuming the arguing.
“Damn, I was just trying to help.” Siwon muttered as he poofed away back to Heaven.
---
“So, when’s the tape gonna be released?” Sakay asked casually, smirking as Key and Jonghyun both choked on their drinks. “You know, you could just release a private one to me. I won’t show anyone.”
“But we’re not fu--”both men attempted to argue simultaneously.
“Sh, don’t speak,” Sakay whispered, pressing a finger to both of their lips. “It’s okay, you don’t need to lie.”
The two men sighed, once again trying to get out of the chairs. Sakay laughed as she watched them attempt to break free of their chains.
“Now, kiss.”
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LMFAO I don't even know what this is.
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