Hello there people. As someone who has gradually gained some readers on aff, I often blog about my life here. as I firmly believe that while my stories may not be entertaining, they are surely..educational. Or not lol. Of course, I do like the feedback as well. Who doesn't like the 'aww hope you feel better's and the 'yes you are right!'s. While my sole purpose with writing is for people to see who I am  - and to vent before I snap -  I do enjoy some attention haha. 

Anyway, back to the topic. When offline, believe it or not, I am INCREDIBLY soft-spoken. I do know how to talk one's ear off! but I do it quietly. I have an outside voice but I so rarely use it that talking louder than 'normal' makes my throat hurt!. So... a person like this can still be someone who can go abroad, babysit kids and just explore in their free time. Why? I am the proof. In two days, it will be an entire month that I have been here.

..and on the third I am switching families.

Now, before anyone thinks I am just being a brat: I do know that I am capable of showing an attitude. I AM quiet, but if something pisses me off or I am just not in a good mood, I may show it. Under that I mean: I sigh. I huff sometimes. I am often pouting or frowning Or glaring at my laptop. Because pf course after a day's work Is till have things to do on it. Like write or make posters. BEFORE I had gotten here, I had told the host parents: I AM AN ARTIST. It takes up a lot of my time. 

Which would be OK if I had any time. 

From my first day here -  after getting here on Sunday of course -  I have been working roughly 10 hours a day. Sometimes the parents left later, sometimes they arrived earlier. Every day, never less than 9. It is from 8 to 6PM, too. My tasks don't include much: feed the kids, do the dishes, make sure kids are OK, take them out when I can. Easy enuff, right? 

not.

Well, actually that's a lie. While I do feel dead exhausted by the end of every.single.day the job is simple enough. I love the girsl and they seem to like me as well. We cuddle, play, watch tv, cook. 

The issue comes after 6PM comes as well. (lol that sounds so off)

Obviously as an aupair, not a mother -  LOL why do I have to say this again -  this is NOT my family. Which, is OK. Sure, I can pretend, but...

What I mean here, is that once I finish work, the parents come home, lay the kids to sleep (cause they go to sleep at 6, totally cool for summer :D).. I would be expected to merge with the parents ALL the time. Now, don't get me wrongÍ: I would love to. to.an.extent. 

For example, having  a meal together -  despite me HATING to eat more than like an omelette and bread for dinner -  is fine. Watching TV while talking is cool, too. But sitting there expecting for them to ACKNOWLEDGE ME and flinching when they raise their voice -  or talk back rudely -  when I try to hit up a conversation - is totally not fun. Don't want me there? S'okay. I don't like bein' round ya reither. 

but then don't make this seem like MY mistake.

Because what happened, long story short, is that after ONE time I did not go out to their improptu party (after not being introduced to their friends and all, just sitting there tensely trying to say hi when they were alreasy talking ) I had been YELLED at. Not softly scolded that something was wrong or that they want me to get more involved. Oh no. YELLED at like a ing child. Because of my attitude, apparently. (by the way at that point, I knew that I am only getting paid at the end of each month - kinda goes against the term pocket money and makes it a wage lmao,m 75 pounds for 50 hours a week -  and had been left there wiith at least some money for four days. In a town I don't know. Surrounded by neighborus I don't know. yay.) 

So... while I could have tried to be more social, I was like 'meh. we can..try?'

The first alarming (well, okay, umpteenth) sign was how I was given a week to 'change'. Now, if this were a normal aupair situation, we would have sat down, talked about the things... I would not have started crying like a scolded child. But according to the mother, the man is just 'passionate'. Wowfun. I was treated like I had done something WRONG while I just tried to keep out of the way. If you show me that you don't want me there, don't expect me to keep trying after some point. 

Of course at first I broke completely. I was told that we will have a week where we don't even talk about what happened, let it rest and if things don't go well, I will be told to leave in a month, find another family - or go home . I ended up doing the former: one day later.

Now. 

Those who know me a bit know well that I have issues with self-esteem. I may be a sassy hoe sometimes but in reality I am one of those girls who feel like the entire world is against them. (btw this should totally be turned into a fanfic cause why not). So when I was looking for families, I did not rely on my gut feelings.

yes. i.. knew this was gonna happen. 

WHY DID I COME THEN? 

Umm..I thought no one else would need me. This shwoed in how I kept getting messages even way after I got my plane ticket! whoops. So... There had been a lady and her family that I really liked but I had been too impatient. When they hadn't written to me for a while, I assumed they hated me..

nope. What ended up happening, is that the lady was torn between me and another girl. I got her email RIGHT after I fixed my plane-plans... I felt really torn because I absolutely adored her... but I went against my gut and told her to just keep talking...maybe next year.

Well, next year is coming soon. I am going over to their place this Saturday. For one in my life I had the balls -  lol  - to write and tell them what was wrong. That I was given a week to 'change' but I feel incredibly uncomfortable here from day one and just maybemabyeyouguysneedanauoairstill..

AND THEY DID.

I have no idea how but the other girl called it off just the moment I sent my email. The lady told me that I could arrive on the first week of September and just fall in routine with them. There will be tons of chores to do but frankly after watching over two kids 10 hours a day (and having no real chance to just listen to music or tv or anything...) i am uber happy. 

so I told the family. I want to leave in 3 weeks. Is that OK isntead of 5? they said yes. (but, let's not talk about this until the end of tjis week). I rolled with it, nodded and went back to my food. 

I think that had been my big mistake. The next week was OK. Host father even got me the ticket! I will need to get to Scotland. Yay. First class,too. 

but... I noticed things. 

First week, and some of second (working week). If I was down at 7:40 or so -  they leave at 8, or so -  the mom would turn to me and say 'you're up early'. or 'the kdis aren't up yet'. I know: morning grogginess makes every grumpy but the way she said it..

I came up with a new tactic. I can't sleep after 6:30 so I would wake them, chill in bed, read and watch stuff, get dressed, head down the MOMENT they left

first few times I was OK -  they even said it's fine if I sleep in because the girls will come get me if they need. Frankly the latest I ever went down was a BIT after 8, but..ohwell. 

The week after I made my decision however, BEFORE they would leave, they started banging on my door. I would always be on my way doenstairs, too, phone in hand as kids watch TV till then, flly clothed. One  ocession, the man remarked .- that i sadly forgot, I am guilty for that -  that from now on I should be down by the time tthey leave. Of course they sometimes leave a little later, or earlier... whatever.

I 'slipped up' (aka tried to avoid them because of clear criticism) a few more times and all hell broke loose. Ok so another thing to that story is: somewhere in the house, I lsot my keys last Thursday. I checked everywhere and when I couldn't find it, I turned to them: do you think you have seen them? checked even in the rubbish and they aren't there. Turned out they were between two parts of the sofa that I could not reach -  I checked there first and then 5 more times. So the next day, when they bang on the door I say 'I'm going' but realize that my breath stinks - I was on my way to the bathrooma s i did not want to take space up in the morning rush -  i brushed my teeth in a minute and went down and..

all hell broke lose.

FROM THE DOOR. the guy yelled at me for being so lazy -  because they 'had to tell me to search for my keys and come downstairs (AFTER THEIR EVER SO LOVING COMMENTS WHEN I WAS DOWN BEFORE THEY LEFT, SORRY FOR THINKING YOU TWO WANTED TO SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER OR GASP WITH THE KIDS -  adn told me that if I don't do what he says, i can just leave. At that point we were already over at other things he snapped at me: his kids eat EVERYTHING in the house and the only reason they don't is because I am too soft on them. I do agree that I DO NOT YELL first thing in the morning when they don't want x for breakfast and show it, but... some of the things they had for the kids were bleh. Even for me. No offense but microwave food kinda when it's so bad. In the oven it's okay but the kids insist getting it from the microwave... and other stuff they refused as well.

So... I did my duties, decided to take ONE LAST deep breath because ONLYONEWEEKLEFT... and when the guy got home he literally turned his nose up when I said hello.

I did a dumb thing after: went upstairs -  and as I had some times before, said no to food. because frankly, who would want to eat when people act like this -  aaand I wasn't hungry. So... Saturday passed similarly. I stayed in my room because I was already shaking from fear and tried to spend the day... not eating just drinking from the bathroom. gross. Anyway, the next day I did go down - after the woman claimed I was the lazy one too, despite me many times doing things I do not even have to and working WAY more than an aupair should -  but when I said hello to the man he said 'hi whatever'.. FIRST TIME WHILE I AM HERE, I let out a soft scoff: there is a limit to the behavour I can go on with. I'm not saint, I have my flaws, but I am patient... BUT NOT THIS PATIENT. It made me rather uneasy... and then what he said next was best: ' DO.NOT.TALK.TO.ME until you are here.' I muttered an 'i said hello' but he did not seem to acknowledge it, just repeated himself. At this point I had to bite back an insult. Still gonna bite it back because i'm a nice little flwoer. Anyway, went back to my room, only had a banana all day. Whatever, best diet ever. I already had my portion of the food tofay -  when I fed the kids I ahd a sandwhich. Can't eat more right now so :D 

After this came today morning. I was informed by a friedn that today is a bank holiday but I did not know what that means to me. So at 7:40 I went down, kids in their PJs watching TV.. 'Have you eaten yet?' 'no'. 'Has your mommy and daddy left yet?' 'no'. 

So I made food for all of us...washed the dishes from last night..afternoon...probably midday too :D) And prompty at ten the dad came down. Said nothing to me, told the kids to get dressed, we are going out. No 'you don't work today by the way' or 'thanks for coming down on a holiday'... just..nothing. The mom was down soon as well and muttered something like 'morning' to me.. Again, no instructions or anything. Will I be needed today? Where are they going  -  obviouyl they are not taking me but when will they be back? Aaand so on. 

So... after sitting there awkwarly for a while I climbed back up to my room and waited until they left. Drank some juice when I was sure I was alone and came back here.

Ok so on one hand I agree that there ahve been things I should have just told them "I don't like the way you greet me in the mornings it's slightly rude and makes me want to hide' or 'I don't know your kids better than you but I still take care of them so are you sure they aren't a bit pickier than you beleive?' or " I TRIED TALKING TO YOU BUT YOU BARELY ANSWERED..WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT'.

Have I died and gone to hell? Maybe...

I am really hoping I won't 'up' again. Only 4 days ledt. since I leave early on Saturday. New host mom is amazing, we have a lot in common. I talk to her, mx parents, friends.. They tell me: only a few more days. 

I am strong. I know that the last days will be the worst but... I will get on with life. I am - obviously -  petrfied -  of the new host dad but the host mom told me how to befriend him. Unlike this guy he does not seem to be completely against this whole aupairing thing. 

Wow I wrote so much. Good to know even layz people can write! Hope that it wasn't tl.:dr becazse I feel as if people who ever plan on travelling this way should see the risks. I am a little more broken -  and thinner! -  but with my head held high... I look forward to my new adventures.

Kata, out.