i remember the moment i started to fall for someone. It was messy. falling for the right person is even more messy.

my first relationship was when i was fifteen. I was so happy when I see him, when he tell me that he loves me, when he smiles for me. I was grateful, cause when he sees me cry he would always say ‘don’t cry, baby don’t cry’ and I would just cry more. he is always there for me when i cry. but whenever he cries, he cries alone, to not make me worry. whenever he cries, he would hide the reason behind his smile. his beautiful smile. the curve of his lips when he smiles. i love it so much. it used to be my favorite smile. it still is, somehow, sometimes, when memory decided to sneak up upon me. when i see pictures of him. when i am reminded of the man i used to love so much.

i don’t know when it happened. i don’t know how it happened. i don’t know how it changed. my feelings. suddenly our meetings became sparse, and it got harder and harder for me to see him. harder and harder for me to hear him sing, see his smile, be acquainted of his laughter. oh, how much i love his laugh. he has an angelic voice, and an even more angelic laugh. his smile, it’s always genuine, spreading love and warmth everywhere. that’s exactly what i fell for.

before i tell u how i fell out of love with this man, i shall tell u how i fell in love with him at the first place.

it was crazy, how i knew him. he was with his friends, goofing around. it was surely the first time i saw him. it was funny. he was funny, and smiley, and all cheery. and he is also very, very whiny. the first time i saw him, i didn’t really felt anything for him.

then i got to know them. they were really fun to hang around with. as time went by, i keep feeling myself drawn towards the boy with quirked end of his lips and beautiful crescents for his eyes. he is always trash-talking his friends – though they don’t mind it because it seems like they trash-talk and diss each other for fun – and cracking jokes and bad puns that i feel comfortable with him, even when we just got to know each other quite recently. we hung out a lot, and it was easy admitting that i like him, as easy as he confesses to me too.

we had a relationship everyone envies. well, not everyone, because who would envy a girl dating this huge – and cute – dork from the drama club? but still, people look at us when we’re together. to be honest, it felt less like hanging out with your boyfriend but more like with a friend. he cracks his usual puns, plays practical jokes on me and does all the things a normal friend does. but there also the boyfriend stuffs that he did, i.e, kissing me silly after a really tiring class, automatically holding my hand when we’re walking side to side, and smile to me more. a different kind of smile. not his usual sunshine smile that could bright up the whole street, but a different one. this one smile, reserved for moments where there is just us two. reserved for only me. the small, gentle, and dare i say, timid smile, while looking at me with affection in his eyes. it was, and still is, my favorite smile ‘till this day.

how my feelings changed, it was horrifying. to me, and to him. i didn’t want to admit at first, which made me miserably in denial. i know i was being a . the kind that u read in books, where she is already in a relationship yet she fell for another person. the kind of character i dislike the most, after girls who likes their best friend’s boyfriend. thank god i don’t have a bff.

i can’t quite pinpoint when, or how i knew this guy. this other guy. but unlike the relationship i had with the first man, the slow buildup, the awkward first time meeting each other, the easiness as we fell for each other, what i felt with this other guy is different. it’s different, but familiar in some ways that it is overwhelming.

 

 

i remember watching this guy perform with his band, and felt intrigued, because their songs and performance are quite cool. my very first impression of this guy, is that he is 180 degrees different from my boyfriend. while my boyfriend is a literal sunshine, charming everyone with his jokes and his stupid lovely smile, this guy looks like he could be the next snow queen. one, because of his snowy white skin, and two, because of his cold aura. rarely does he smile, his sharp, cold facial features usually graced with a frown, or just his -resting face.

i never paid much heed to this guy, only a bit intrigued with his band and his group of friends, because, man, aren’t they talented. then one day i saw something that changed my perceptions of him – and apparently my feelings towards him.

under those coldness, lie a very soft-hearted boy.

i found out that under the cold exterior, the extreme façade of i-don’t-care-about-no-one-but-me, i discovered a boy with so much love and fight in him. that was the start of our friendship. and also the start of this newfound feelings.

every time i got home after spending time with him, i would discover something new about the boy. he surprises me every day, with how much he cares about the people around him. day by day i return home with more images of him in my head, instead of my boyfriend.

i thought i was still in love with my boyfriend, when slowly, i fell out of love. he became busier day by day, and we could rarely see each other. i find myself less and less disappointed at him cancelling our dates, and it always surprises me when i caught myself.

it didn’t help that i felt so happy and complete when around this new guy. he made me feel something new, something akin to what i felt with my boyfriend, but on a whole new level. he made me feel warm and fuzzy when he smiles, his gummy showing. he makes me happy, in more ways than one.  even the thought of him makes me smile.

that’s when i realize that i like him. i like him more than i should.

the truth devours me, and i did not know what to do. this went on for several months. me, having discovered my feelings for this new guy, spends more and more time with him, and less time with my actual boyfriend. and my feelings, well, this is the whole process of falling out of love with him anyway, so i just let it fade. i know it was selfish of me to do it, and i hate myself more and more when i see how genuinely my boyfriend tells me that he loves me.

i know i was being unfair to both of them. my boyfriend, because i don’t have feelings for him anymore, yet i hold on, not wanting to let him go. he was the only perfect fixture i have in my whole life. he knew me inside out, and he still loved me with all he had. how can i ever let him go? selfish, i know.

then we have this other guy. he likes me too, i can tell but he holds himself back because he knows i have a boyfriend. yet, he still care for me, and always be there when i need someone to vent my frustrations. i can’t help but falling for him more and more each day, and i keep wanting more and more of him.

 

 

i remember hating myself for a good several months. surely falling in love shouldn’t be this painful? then i decided to talk it out. when i broke up with my boyfriend, all he did was smile, and nod. he gave me one last kiss, and asked, did i felt anything? i cried when i shook my head no. he gave me this smile, similar to the smiles he gave me before all of this hot mess, but this time laced with sadness. i apologized thousands of time, and when he left i cried. i cried and cried until every drop of liquid in my body is gone, and then someone came to see me.

it was him. the guy that showed me beauty even in the worst of times. the one who taught me how to play a piano. the man who made me realize how falling in love should feel like.

at that moment i was reminded of a quote i read somewhere.

if u ever have to choose between the first person and the second, pick the second one. ‘cause if you really love the first person, you would not even have a second person.

i felt terrible. i know i was being an . i still realize that. but it help me to feel better every time i remind myself, that it was also better for him this way.

i remember the moment i started to fall for someone. It was messy. falling for the right person is even more messy.

my first relationship was when i was fifteen. I was so happy when I see him, when he tell me that he loves me, when he smiles for me. I was grateful, cause when he sees me cry he would always say ‘don’t cry, baby don’t cry’ and I would just cry more. he is always there for me when i cry. but whenever he cries, he cries alone, to not make me worry. whenever he cries, he would hide the reason behind his smile. his beautiful smile. the curve of his lips when he smiles. i love it so much. it used to be my favorite smile. it still is, somehow, sometimes, when memory decided to sneak up upon me. when i see pictures of him. when i am reminded of the man i used to love so much.

i don’t know when it happened. i don’t know how it happened. i don’t know how it changed. my feelings. suddenly our meetings became sparse, and it got harder and harder for me to see him. harder and harder for me to hear him sing, see his smile, be acquainted of his laughter. oh, how much i love his laugh. he has an angelic voice, and an even more angelic laugh. his smile, it’s always genuine, spreading love and warmth everywhere. that’s exactly what i fell for.

before i tell u how i fell out of love with this man, i shall tell u how i fell in love with him at the first place.

it was crazy, how i knew him. he was with his friends, goofing around. it was surely the first time i saw him. it was funny. he was funny, and smiley, and all cheery. and he is also very, very whiny. the first time i saw him, i didn’t really felt anything for him.

then i got to know them. they were really fun to hang around with. as time went by, i keep feeling myself drawn towards the boy with quirked end of his lips and beautiful crescents for his eyes. he is always trash-talking his friends – though they don’t mind it because it seems like they trash-talk and diss each other for fun – and cracking jokes and bad puns that i feel comfortable with him, even when we just got to know each other quite recently. we hung out a lot, and it was easy admitting that i like him, as easy as he confesses to me too.

we had a relationship everyone envies. well, not everyone, because who would envy a girl dating this huge – and cute – dork from the drama club? but still, people look at us when we’re together. to be honest, it felt less like hanging out with your boyfriend but more like with a friend. he cracks his usual puns, plays practical jokes on me and does all the things a normal friend does. but there also the boyfriend stuffs that he did, i.e, kissing me silly after a really tiring class, automatically holding my hand when we’re walking side to side, and smile to me more. a different kind of smile. not his usual sunshine smile that could bright up the whole street, but a different one. this one smile, reserved for moments where there is just us two. reserved for only me. the small, gentle, and dare i say, timid smile, while looking at me with affection in his eyes. it was, and still is, my favorite smile ‘till this day.

how my feelings changed, it was horrifying. to me, and to him. i didn’t want to admit at first, which made me miserably in denial. i know i was being a . the kind that u read in books, where she is already in a relationship yet she fell for another person. the kind of character i dislike the most, after girls who likes their best friend’s boyfriend. thank god i don’t have a bff.

i can’t quite pinpoint when, or how i knew this guy. this other guy. but unlike the relationship i had with the first man, the slow buildup, the awkward first time meeting each other, the easiness as we fell for each other, what i felt with this other guy is different. it’s different, but familiar in some ways that it is overwhelming.

 

 

i remember watching this guy perform with his band, and felt intrigued, because their songs and performance are quite cool. my very first impression of this guy, is that he is 180 degrees different from my boyfriend. while my boyfriend is a literal sunshine, charming everyone with his jokes and his stupid lovely smile, this guy looks like he could be the next snow queen. one, because of his snowy white skin, and two, because of his cold aura. rarely does he smile, his sharp, cold facial features usually graced with a frown, or just his -resting face.

i never paid much heed to this guy, only a bit intrigued with his band and his group of friends, because, man, aren’t they talented. then one day i saw something that changed my perceptions of him – and apparently my feelings towards him.

under those coldness, lie a very soft-hearted boy.

i found out that under the cold exterior, the extreme façade of i-don’t-care-about-no-one-but-me, i discovered a boy with so much love and fight in him. that was the start of our friendship. and also the start of this newfound feelings.

every time i got home after spending time with him, i would discover something new about the boy. he surprises me every day, with how much he cares about the people around him. day by day i return home with more images of him in my head, instead of my boyfriend.

i thought i was still in love with my boyfriend, when slowly, i fell out of love. he became busier day by day, and we could rarely see each other. i find myself less and less disappointed at him cancelling our dates, and it always surprises me when i caught myself.

it didn’t help that i felt so happy and complete when around this new guy. he made me feel something new, something akin to what i felt with my boyfriend, but on a whole new level. he made me feel warm and fuzzy when he smiles, his gummy showing. he makes me happy, in more ways than one.  even the thought of him makes me smile.

that’s when i realize that i like him. i like him more than i should.

the truth devours me, and i did not know what to do. this went on for several months. me, having discovered my feelings for this new guy, spends more and more time with him, and less time with my actual boyfriend. and my feelings, well, this is the whole process of falling out of love with him anyway, so i just let it fade. i know it was selfish of me to do it, and i hate myself more and more when i see how genuinely my boyfriend tells me that he loves me.

i know i was being unfair to both of them. my boyfriend, because i don’t have feelings for him anymore, yet i hold on, not wanting to let him go. he was the only perfect fixture i have in my whole life. he knew me inside out, and he still loved me with all he had. how can i ever let him go? selfish, i know.

then we have this other guy. he likes me too, i can tell but he holds himself back because he knows i have a boyfriend. yet, he still care for me, and always be there when i need someone to vent my frustrations. i can’t help but falling for him more and more each day, and i keep wanting more and more of him.

 

 

i remember hating myself for a good several months. surely falling in love shouldn’t be this painful? then i decided to talk it out. when i broke up with my boyfriend, all he did was smile, and nod. he gave me one last kiss, and asked, did i felt anything? i cried when i shook my head no. he gave me this smile, similar to the smiles he gave me before all of this hot mess, but this time laced with sadness. i apologized thousands of time, and when he left i cried. i cried and cried until every drop of liquid in my body is gone, and then someone came to see me.

it was him. the guy that showed me beauty even in the worst of times. the one who taught me how to play a piano. the man who made me realize how falling in love should feel like.

at that moment i was reminded of a quote i read somewhere.

if u ever have to choose between the first person and the second, pick the second one. ‘cause if you really love the first person, you would not even have a second person.

i felt terrible. i know i was being an . i still realize that. but it help me to feel better every time i remind myself, that it was also better for him this way.

and it is. months later i found out, from his mouth himself, that he is trying to get to know this new girl in his drama club. a few weeks after that, he scored a date, and i became his best wingman. or wingwoman, whatever. we’re still friends, although it was still awkward whenever asks “aren’t you two dating?”

looking back now, i realize that happiness does not come without heartbreak. and sometimes maybe we think we are in love with the right person, but we just haven’t found it yet.looking back now, i realize that happiness does not come without heartbreak. and sometimes maybe we think we are in love with the right person, but we just haven’t found it yet. 

 

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i just thought i'd share this with you guys ;) may you find the right person for you