This is a personal update to help me get some things off my chest more than anything but i do believe these events will affect my writing in the future too. Read if you wish but its probably going to be long. 

Today at work ive had a horrible day. In the past a horrible day at work ment a manager screaming at me, someone telling me my work wasn't good enough when i tried my hardest, my job being threatened, being bullied, being made to feel worthless while you're already exhausted from trying so hard to please everyone around you. The jobs in the past that i worked for have been far from plesant. I like to go into work, get the job done and leave. This wasn't always possible. There was always someone in a bad mood ready to take it out on you. And they can get away with it because they can get someone to replace you in seconds. When my last job got too much, i finally managed to leave for another company. A smaller family run business selling electronic cigerettes. I went in knowing very little, with very little confidence, worried, nervous and frankly pessimistic. But i worked hard a gave it my all. As i always have.

I was never natural at past jobs. I was very fast enough putting stock out, i was very fast enough tagging clothes and i was never fast enough taking orders. So long as there was someone faster than you, they would make you feel worthless for not being able to keep up. Everytime i tried to move up or excell and get myself into a better position i was told i wasn't capable. 

This new job came to me naturally. I picked up the tiniest bits of information, learnt specs of each product, each modification, how to build them and how to mix the liquids. Each time i ed up, they told me it was ok and i'll get it right next time. Even if i ed up again they would still say the same. I was never told i was going to slow. I was shouted at. I was treated with the respect every human being should get but unfortunatly doesn't. I realised this was somewhere i wanted to stay. No where else would treat me so well. 

Soon things started going much different. Two people left the company. With the first i found myself running one of the small town shops alone. It was easy, not much to do but a big responsibility reguardless, then with the second i found myself in a management position. Running both shops, handling calls, emails and instore customers and preparing and sending out orders. I was trained to do everything in that shop and not one day went by when i was bored in that place. So much to do and so much to learn, i was in my element. 

In this place i had 2 bosses. The couple that owned the company and treat me like a friend more than an employee. We have so many laughs in that place and i adore them. I couldnt ask for better bosses. I have never been so thankful to anyone. The next was my fellow manager who made those slow and boring times fun and who always had my back like i had hers. We love working together. All of us. I couldnt ask for better people to be in a team with. 

Recently in england new laws were released that are aimed at what we sell and is constricting many companies. It has been a year of waiting to see if we could survive. Banding together and hoping to find some way around it. Due to the nature of the laws however it would stop entirely our main section of profit. Today we were told as a company we wouldnt make it. 

My heart broke instantly. The job that has given me so much confidence in the past two years, taught me so much, the job i loved and appriciated everyday when i wooke up is being taken away and from no ones fault other than the government. 

I think untill you have hit rock bottom in your job, walking home crying you're heart out in fustration because of something horrible you're manager did to you that you can do nothing about, you can't really appriciate how lucky you are to have a job where you're respected and appriciated as well as love doing the job. 

In the past two years i have never dreaded going to work. I have never called in sick, i have never cried or shouted, I wasnt even late untill last week one day haha. That job was the reason for my happiness. I had enough money to help my family, to save up for the future, treat myself on a regular basis and yet i would have done that job for a lot less. I would have worked with them for a lot less. 

In september i will be either out of a job or in a new one. There were quite a lot of tears today from everyone. Obviously im trying to stay positive. Thinking i have management experience now i should be able to get a new job and i just keep saying to make people stop worrying so much but honestly...im dreading it. I really don't want this two months to end. I can't help but face reality. 

I have to grow out my side shave which was fine for a company like this but won't be acceptable for most other companies. Minor but...it shows the freedom i had there to do what i wanted with my hair.

The chances of me walking into a management job are very low.

The chances of me working for another are very high.

The chances of me finding a job im passionate about, like i was this time, is very low.

The chances of me finding a job that pays well is low.

The chances of me finding a full time job are low.

The chances of me finding a full time job with sociable working hours are even lower. 

Once again i'll be back to walking home from work, crying and exhausted, wondering why i cant do anything right, back to feeling worthless and depressed. Back to being too tired because i didnt have enough time to sleep between shifts. Back to struggling to pay for rent. Back to being miserable and stressed. 

Honestly i don't think i'll be able to handle it like last time. 

That will either work in my favour and ill find something decent and make my way back into a confortable place again or it'll go entirely up and end up as miserable and desperate as last time. 

I'm going to miss it so much. I'm going to miss my shops and my bosses and collegues. 
For now i need to think of some way to thank them for everything they did for me. They entirely changed me as a person for the better i just hope i can hold on to everything they built up. 

for now this means i am obviously not in the kind of place i need to be for writing. I won't get as much spare time to write and things will end up going slower. 

Just bare with me as i adjust. 

Love you guys <3

TLDR: I'm losing my amazing job from no fault of my own so things might slow down