Sometimes I wonder if what I really want in life is what I really want to do. I say I want to be a singer or a director/writer/producer of a future award-winning television show. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing right now is worth it. Earlier today, we have a guest speaker on our major subject. He works as an assitant director/floor director/segment producer in one of our country's top network. While he was telling us what was like in his field, I question myself is this what I really want or will I continue in living in these delusional dream of mine of becoming the next Kpop Idol star?

Should I just let my heart stop beating for Heechul now? Maybe some of you read that I was out of the town last weekend for an exposure as part of our grade. Last Saturday, a friend of mine told me she has a Korean friend who is looking for a Filipina girlfriend. She asked me if I'm interested and I said yes. Then yesterday, she told me that his friend was interested. Maybe this is a sign for me to really look someone who is real as in someone who is not an idol.

I wonder if the things I do everyday really has a purpose. I question as to why we have Psychology as a subject when we're Communication Arts students. I wonder why we have math and not science. I wonder if my love for music and singing will raelly get me anywhere. Will this writing of my fantasies be beneficial for me?

I don't know. I always have a hard time seeing my future. I really don't know what I want in life. I can't imagine myself in the future. I want these stories of mine to soon be made into a show, but that is just impossible. 

Maybe, slowly, I'll live normally in reality. I'll slowly try to stop myself in believing that I am married to Kim Heechul and that I have four other boyfriends. 

As to what I'll do now, I'll just work out to get slimmer and hope that the guy my friend is setting me up will like me too.

After reading some news today, it somehow woke me up to the reality that I will never get married to my oppadeul. It hurts, but it's true anyway. I need to do my best if I really want this Korean guy my friend is setting me up to like me. :p

Anyways, I'm at the age of needing to know what I want to do in my life. I'm 17. I'm turning 18, an adult, in less than 9 months. I really just want to live a normal life. And 'being married to Kim Heechul and still has four other boyfriends' is not really living to the normal life. XD