I spent a good two hours or so yesterday talking to this friend of mine -- he was someone between a good friend and a boyfriend, or rather what people commonly referred to as my 'gay best friend'. Except that he was very much not gay, except the fact that he actually did like me. I knew that since the start, but did nothing more than a simple rejection which made only him work and try harder than he ever did before, simply because I wanted him as a friend -- it was really selfish of me. 

Only yesterday did I decide to end this once and for all, so that the friendship would no longer suffocate us, trapping us in this tiny little cage of guilt and pain. Never did I know it would hurt this much to lose what I had always seen as a good friend I could always depend on. It hurts, it really does.

I still remember the day we first met each other. It was around one and a half years ago, during a school camp -- one that I was unwillingly made to attend and we had to learn a camp dance. The camp dance basically required us to dance with another person of another gender, and he was my dance partner. I guess everything just spiralled from there. We talked, we joked around, and found ourselves keeping in touch with each other even after the camp. 

I found myself talking to him and trusting him more and more, so much that I started to see him as one of my closest friends. But he simply had to spoil everything between us -- he confessed to me. 

I would have accepted him -- if not for the fact that I am an idealist, and the fact that he was far from what I envisioned my ideal date to be like: someone who thinks and works like me, someone I can lean on without wanting to flinch away. In fact, we were almost polar opposites -- he had always been a top student, well-liked by everyone and was almost everyone's ranting buddy while I had always been known as the rebel, going against almost all the rules out there but not enough to get expelled by the school.

Simply put, it was close to impossible for us.

So I said no, but I said that we could be friends.

He said, "Fine." 

I knew he didn't mean it, but I decided to pretend that I believed him, simply because I was a coward, a coward too afraid to lose a good friend.

I admit that there was a short period of time when I felt really touched by his actions, so much so that my walls were crumbling, especially when he appeared at the airport at 12 am in the morning in order to wait for my flight to arrive. Sadly, the rational part in me told me that we were nothing but friends, and I should not make things more complicated than it already was. 

Now I shall fast forward the time to the start of this year, when we finally got to be in the same school. (He was in an all-boys school while I was in an all-girls school. The students of both schools will then join the same junior college upon graduation.) 

I started a service learning project with a few of my friends, who mainly included my batchmates and a few other good friends. He wanted to join it too, and I readily agreed, despite the small part in me which almost successfully dissuaded me, telling me that he was joing the project only because I am the team leader. 

Things only worsened from then on, simply because he tended to show his negative emotions and it was affecting everyone in the group, especially my batchmate (whom I'm now (un)officially attached to) who felt that he was the reason behind all the negative emotions. (I told him about the things that happened between us during one of the sessions) 

I was starting to feel very guilty over every little thing that happened in the group, and my emotions were getting so screwed up that I knew I was starting to affect everyone around me. It was really scary, as if I was going down this little path of self-destruction and dragging everybody down with me. 

I wanted to do something about it, because I knew that things would quickly spin out of hand if I continued doing nothing. And that's why I arranged for the meeting with him. He was avoiding me, it was obvious from the tone of his text, but I insisted on meeting him, despite the fact that I had nothing prepared.

The coversation with him yesterday started like this: 

Me: How was the debate competition?

Him: It was fine I guess... We lost, but I won the best debater award.

Me: Wow, good job. I knew you could do it.

Him: /smiles slightly/ Thanks. I'm curious though, are you and...... Dating?

Me: Uh... I guess... It was only decided on Wednesday, so you are first to know, as promised. 

Him: I guessed. It was really obvious. And he's better for you. Treasure him.

He then gave me a file, and told me to open it up only when I reached home. It was bascally a story his friend (or rather his rant buddy) wrote about us. She is a writer, and wants to publish the story, with his permission. It opened my eyes up to what he had been going through the past few months, and I was secretly thankful that I only got to read it when I reached home. 

Him: I guess the past one and a half years were great...?

Me: It was. No regrets. Really, thanks for everything.

Him: /laughs lightly/ I was like a ship lost at sea, and you were like a lighthouse. But without a light.

Me: /burst out laughing/ I guess so. Thanks for everything really. I appreciated it. And I'm really sorry.

Him: /smiles slightly/ (I swear there were tears in his eyes) Stop trying.

希望你有一天，再读到《记》时，会想起我。

与你相识704天，我不会忘记的。

Translation: 

I hope that when you read this again one day, you'll think about me.

I will never forget the 704 days that passed since we knew each other.

Hey hamster, I know that you'll never get to see this but in case you do, just know that I'm really really sorry for everything that had happened. Thank you for everything and I honestly had no regrets getting to know you.

To my readers, thank you for reading so much, and I might write a fanfic on this. Who knows hahahahahaha...