So I've recently read a post from one of my friends on facebook about her thoughts towards Minzy leaving 2NE1. She expressed her anger, disappoinment and sadness towards Minzy. 

A guy commented on this post and said that as a true Blackjack, she should respect Minzy's decision. He said that maybe she should be in Minzy's place so she could feel how to be in her shoes. 

I know that he's just trying to protect Minzy from that hate she's been getting and I understand that he supports her no matter what but I hope he will understand too that not all fans would take this issue positively. I've been there when Kris left EXO and I admit I was one of those fans who didn't take it positively. I became sad and angry at Kris. Up until now, I still haven't moved on from what happened even though it's already two years ago. 

I also thought that he's ironic. He said that she should respect Minzy's decision and she should be cool with it but with the way he said his comment tells that he's not respecting the girl's feelings. Being a fan is hard, you don't have the power to do anything sometimes even though we're being hurt by the things they do but just like what he have said that idols are humans too and so does the fans. The fans are human too. We're also capable of being hurt, angry and being sad. We're not robots who are programmed to just support our idols with whatever decision they make. We're not robots who are programmed to be happy with whatever our idols do. We react differently, we feel differently, because us fans are humans too and we're all different.

I felt something stirred inside me when I read her post. I suddenly remembered what I felt when Kris left EXO two years ago and it's the same with hers. I also felt the hatred, the anger and the sadness she was now feeling towards Minzy. It's so hard to see that the group you're with from the start slowly falling because of a member. But EXO didn't fell. And so will 2NE1. I know they can survive without Minzy just like how EXO survived without Kris. 

So why am I comparing Minzy to Kris? Because just like Minzy, Kris was the first one to leave the group. She was the first cut, just like Kris, and jutst like what the song says, the first cut is the deepest.

I suddenly remembered what it felt like when Kris left, I was so heartbroken, I felt betrayed and I felt completely lost. I asked myself before, "What would I do if one of the members leave?", I'll answer, "I can't. I'll be devastated. I can't imagine the group I love incomplete."

And now with three members gone, I'm still here. Staying strong. And I know that blackjacks will accept it too. Living with the ache...I know they can. Just like how some of us had lived with the ache caused by Kris up until now. To be honest, I still haven't accepted the fact that Kris has already left and is now successful on his own. I still can't bring myself to be happy for him. I still can't accept the fact that he left EXO, that he didn't hold on enough, that he left. He left his brothers. I can't accept that he was the first one who broke their promise of OT12 forever. He was the first one to break our hearts.

I can still remember the night when it was confirmed that he is leaving. I was crying, can't believe that Kris would do something like that. He was a leader for goodness sake and he's going to leave s behind? What would happen to Junmyeon? His partner is now going to leave him. I stood up from my bed while crying after reading the news and looked at the OT12 poster of EXO I had pinned on the wall of my room. I suddenly became angry. It's not true anymore. There are now only 11 members left so why are they still 12 here? I can't. So I took it down, rolled it and placed it in my cabinet. One word that I've said as I was looking at the poster? Liar.

I didn't want to be angry at Kris. I wanted to support him because I love him and he became part of my life. I wanted to understand him, but how can I understand something that I know nothing of? He didn't leave any message. He just simply left. He just simply stayed in China and didn't come back. I became angry with him not just because he broke a promise, but also because he just left without explanation. For two years, I've always been asking myself "Why?". And I hated him so much for that. I love him, but I can't deny the fact that he broke my heart so much. 

Up until now, whenever I see a picture of him being happy and successful, I still feel bitter. I always say "Are you happy now? Happy from the attention you're receiving? I bet you're so happy now. Traitor." but then I'll feel a sad ache in my chest and I'll whisper, "Someday Yi Fan, someday I'll be able to accept this. Not just now. I'm sorry."

So I understand what the girl feels. I just hope they'll just not respect the idols' decisions but also the fans' feelings. I'm so tired of people saying what the guy commented. We're not robots. We're humans too.