The other day, my friend "diagnosed" me with social anxiety. 

It was the morning at 7:30 AM right before school began. My phone went "Ding!" with a notification stating that I had received a text from one of my dearest friends saying "can we talk." I was nonchalent about it, although many would panic whenever they see that three letter sentence. Many times that "can we talk" meant she ranting to me about events that had occurred the night before and then it leading to a deep philosophical conversation that was always the highlight of my moments with her. My mind was set on replying with advice or a commentary and telling her my new discoveries about the most idiotic things when all of a sudden, a huge yellow message popped up on the chat screen. I read it carefully. The message was about me and her annoyance with my certain behaviors that she had noticed since months ago. I always hung out with the same two people: her and my other close friend. I always reject the new people she tried to shove into my face, expecting me to automatically be best friends with them. Thus she diagnosed me with social anxiety.

She was the extrovert out of our three person gang and outgoing teenager that could make anyone comfortable; I always admire her for this trait. However, she noticed a couple months ago that whenever I hung out with people that she knew and were friends with yet strangers to me, I would only talk and be comfortable with the two. I wouldn't laugh and engage in jokes the group shared or be open to the strangers about what I did throughout the day. She pushed me to speak, and though they were nice people, I wasn't interested currently in letting new people into my life. Relationships can sometimes be physically and mentally hard to keep up with for me, and I was the type to give my all in a relationship, whether with family, friends, or lovers. 

That text message was on my mind throughout the day. She said her apologies for being insensitive and I said to not apologize. I said I was fine and I would try to break out of my shell a little more, but I lied. The text made me just want to cry and huddle in bed and consume myself with self pity. It was over dramatic, I suppose, but it really hurt. The realization came to me that maybe I was trying too hard to be that perfect friend that never annoyed anyone nor caused too much trouble for them. I always listened to her rant about her friends and gave her advice on the situations, thinking I was so special and her #1 favorite person, but I failed to realize that she probably ranted about me as well.

I don't think I have social anxiety, I am fine around strangers and fairly comfortable with public speaking. However, I never went to a therapist nor received an official diagnosis on my mental health. Her statement about social anxiety made me angry though. It felt like she never truly understood what I was like, despite being close friends for 4 years and telling each other everything on our minds. I felt disappointed at her, and felt as though she did not put as much effort in our friendship as I did.  

While writing this, I realized I sound prententious as and painted myself as some sort of too-cool-for-you person. No, in fact, I am a pretty ty and awkward human being. Honestly I want to take my friend's advice and start being more open to new people in my life. I wrote this to get these feelings off my chest so I can move along with living my life and stop being so bitter and self pitiful over like this.