Reviewer: gaksitalGaksital

 

 

 

Title:4/5

 

Over Heart is very befitting for the fluff genre that is consistent and strong in your story. I thought angst would prevail when I read over it at first because anything with a heart would suggest angst, and a play with other emotions (considering that the heart is our organ of emotion, but yeah, haha). Also, it pertains to the overall theme of your story when the title is mentioned in one of the cards that Taeyeon gave to Tiffany.

 

Linguistically, I think ‘Over Hearts’ might sound a better. Over Heart just sounds a bit off when I try to say it, and it’s only referring to one of the character’s hearts.

 

Description/Foreword: 8/10

 

I think the rhetorical questions that you’ve utilised in the description does make the story very enticing. It does make me anticipate some answers which I hope to find as I read the story. I always thought that questions are a solid way to attract readers. Obviously, overdoing it would make the description too frazzling but you kept it short and sweet. My inner grammar freak is pleased overall but you have to read over it since there are a few small words missing.

The font is very neat and the overall layout used in the foreword. My only complaint is that the letters are a bit too small. I’m not sure what size you’ve used, but perhaps go up one size.

 

Plot: 18/25

 

Okay, I think if a fluff lover read over your plot, they might have scored you higher in this. Unfortunately, I’m not a reader who enjoys an abundance of fluff, which is what your story offers. Please forgive me if I did sound too harsh there -- I just did not enjoy the excess sweetness exuded in both chapters, let alone find it unoriginal.

 

However, I do have to applaud how simple and clean the plot was. There was nothing too drastic or excessive apart from the constant fluff. As for the conflict between Taeyeon and Tiffany’s relationship, you portrayed it in such a poignant way that it left the reader satisfied at the end of the story.

 

I do have to say that the first chapter was better overall than the epilogue. However, what I liked about the epilogue is that we find out more about what Tiffany thought of Taeyeon after all those years. I bet your readers were very excited to read that!

 

Characterisation: 21/15

 

I like that you made Tiffany and Taeyeon very distinct from each other. It was difficult to know what kind of a character Tiffany was in chapter one because we only really saw what happened in Taeyeon’s eyes. If I had to make a character analysis of these two, I will say that Taeyeon is kind, a romanticist and hides away her pain. Tiffany had the same qualities but what made her distinct, I suppose, is that she acknowledged Taeyeon’s feelings without any move from the latter. Thanks to Taeyeon’s diary, Tiffany found it okay.

 

I suppose I thought Tiffany’s initial reaction would have been strange -- not knowing that her best friend, who is also a girl, was in love with her for so long. I thought she might have felt betrayal or perhaps even pain that her best friend loved her, and that all those Valentine days had a deeper meaning but I think since she is presented as an optimistic, cheerful girl who loves life in general, her reaction is plausible, though a bit unrealistic.

 

Grammar/Sentence structure: 7/10

 

Your grammar and sentence structure is fairly good. I’m not sure if you’re a native or not, but you have a good grasp with the basic mechanics of the English language. My inner grammar freak did spot out a few little oos that you can either correct yourself or simply improve in your next stories. I don’t feel the need to advise you a beta-reader since your overall writing is very precise and cleanly presented. So, I have three things that you need to watch out for, and I’ve provided a more detailed explanation before.

 

1)Direct and indirect speech: I think this is a major problem on most stories that I review here on AFF. I tend to explain it in every review but I’ll do it again for you. When you are describing direct speech, there should be a comma at the end before the inverted commas. If it is indirect speech, then there is a full stop! I’ve highlighted this in the example below:  

 

Original: “I love you, Fany.” Taeyeon could only mumble the words as she tightened the hug.

 

Revised: “I love you Fany,” Taeyeon could only mumble the words as she tightened the hug.

 

So that is an example of direct speech. Here is another.

 

Original: “Overjoyed, over loved, over you.” Tiffany repeated the lyrics without singing it.

 

Revised: “Overjoyed, over loved, over you,” Tiffany repeated the lyrics without singing it.

 

If you were not describing the speech, then it would be a full stop. Please read my review on ‘Cursed Letter F’ if you need further explanation. Or you could just ask me to elaborate!

 

2)The five senses.

I do realise that your story lacks some solid substance -- the five senses, which are sight, smell, taste, hear and feel. Try and  incorporate these into your writing. Mainly, you play around with the visual sense but I think you should try, even if it’s just a sentence, to make your story as realistic and relatable as possible.

 

3)Redundancy.

The major problem with your writing is that you tend to repeat things in the same paragraph/sentence. Try and leave it out or else use a different word for it. I’ve listed some examples below where you tend to over explain things, and this is where it gets redundant.

 

She lazily sat up and took her phone from nightstand to check the time. It was six o’clock in the morning in Seoul. She did a quick calculation to find out what time it was in London. It was nine o’clock in the evening already in London - - > The time stamps showed it was sent two hours ago, which meant it was seven o’clock in the evening in London when Tiffany sent her the message. (You already mentioned London and the time (nine or seven??) in a paragraph before.)

 

She finally put her choice to a black sleeveless dress and took a grey blazer to topped it. - - > She frowned as she put the sleeveless dress on. She topped it with the grey blazer and walked towards the dresser to put some light make up on. She then frowned again remembering other Tiffany’s message. (I highlighted the same words that you used in less than two paragraphs. You’ve already mentioned that dress was sleeveless and the blazer was gray so there was no need to do it again. Also, you used frown again in the following sentence)

 

Story’s Flow: 8/10

 

The story was a bit dragging at times, especially during the epilogue where we find out a little part of Tiffany’s diary and then a note from her. I think it could be shortened or the whole mystery trip to find the present in both chapter one and the epilogue could be shortened. I just found those parts a bit dragging for the plot but otherwise, your story has a neat, consistent flow, and the difference between past and present moments are nicely depicted in italics. Well done!

 

Reader’s Interest:3/5

 

Again, this type of story does not interest me. Then again, anything with Valentine’s is very boring for me, but that’s just my preference. Otherwise, if I look through the eyes of a reader who enjoys fluff, your one shot would be a delight!

 

And, apologies for the late review! I hope this was somewhat helpful. Best of luck with your future work, though I don’t think you need it heheh because you’re already on your way to the top.

 

Score: 69/90 77%

 

 

Thanks to gaksitalGaksital from Drowning in Fireworks for reviewing my story <3