I thought I should have change my life around and learn to be more sociable in JC so that I do not miss out like how I did in secondary school. Now I realize I have underestimated my desire to fit in. I am not a total outcast in my class, I just feel like I can't find my place, that I'm ignored not because they hate me but because I'm not noticable. My PE teacher still can't remember my name and I think it's not just because of his bad memory but because I'm just so ordinary he can't remember me. And it hurts to work so hard to try to fit into a place where I like. I love the JC life, the learning, the teachers, the school, the classmates. I love the hectic life and the laughter. But everytime I interact with my classmates, I feel that I am just watching them bonding, and it feels like I am part of them, but in reality I'm just watching from the sidelines. In reality I can't fit in with them because I think differently, and I can feel it. I wish I have tried so I wouldn't feel disappointed. I wish I never tried to bond so I can accept being alone. Sometimes I want to have some time to be with myself but by the time I want to join a group I realize there is no place for me anymore. Why try so hard if I can't fit in? I am on the verge of becoming a "critical " since I am critical in nature (not the kind that refutes others for the sake of refuting), just so I can have a role in the class. I wonder if it hurts more being hated than being ignored?