Hello there, 

let's skip the hellos and hi's I am alive, now to talk about it a bit. 

Along with the long list of insecurities and vast number of reasons that triggers my anxieties, the worst of them all is my trust issues.

I seem to have a very severe trust issues that I can’t feel safe talking about it with random people, yet I am trying my best talking to you here because it is part of me wanting to feel better.

It seems that people around the internet are the only ones who didn’t want to hurt me and offered help, while people in real life offered nothing but pain to me.

The reason I am talking about it today is that now I live in a dorm and my dorm life will come to an end in about 7weeks and god how much I am waiting to get over with those 7weeks.

I can’t wait to get back home to my room locking myself there and snuggle to my pillow and not talk to anyone but myself!

Yes this is how much I am becoming unfriendly.

Going to Japan has been a dream of mine since forever but as I came here, the trip and living here has been more than a challenge not to lose sanity.

Living in a dorm is nothing as I expected and having a very mixed dorm mates are super tiring specially with a barrier of language that can’t be fully understood.

My Japanese is minimal and they speak all the other languages around the world but not English.

So regardless if I wanted or not I can’t communicate with them to save my life out, and if anyone tried to be bad with me I can’t even find the courage or have the trust to go to the supervisor and talk to her about it without having those trust issues being pulled up and the cycle of anxiety accumulates again.

Today for the first time since I came to Japan I decided to talk to the supervisor about what was bothering me.

And it didn’t end well! At least from my point of view , I only felt like backstabbing rattler, a cry baby who was trying to complain about something, and it only made me go crazy.

Well I am back to my room and I am so glad I am not sharing it with anyone because that would have been so bad.

Guys I am bothering you with my constant rants about my negative thoughts , and in reality I am not that person, I just feel scared that I would lose it one day, I got used to loneliness that it is not bothering me anymore but I at times need a shoulder to cry on and I can’t help it.

My trust issues are getting stupid by the day!

I even called my brother after freaking out asking him if everyone was alive back there!

I don’t want to freak out anymore .

I just want to breathe .

Let’s talk another time.

EJ7