Hello there, 

somehow after yesterday's rant I felt that I needed to point out that my mother and I don't hate each other, yet we are not having that mother daughter love that we claim we have. 

I don't trust her as much as she thinks I do, I don't tell her anything about my dreams hopes or likes and hates. 

She only needs to know what Normal people around me knows, my own brother knows more secrets about me than she thinks that she knows, penpal knows everything that my family doesn't know and I don't want them to know. 

for me it is way better, I am attached to them the way things were before me coming to Japan, but somehow as much as I am glad that I am far, I just can't wait to get back to that house. 

they say home is where the heart is, my heart is inside my own bedroom, under my blanket. 

maybe I am a negative person, but really my biggest problem is that I am an antisocial, or that is how I see myself. 

I talk to people smile to them because I believe that it is not their fault that I am twisted inside my mind, I don't need to punish them over scars that were made by other people. 

I don't blame them but I can't call those people friend, I want to but it hurts , because I can't trust them.

I want to trust someone to be able to love, to be able to cry my feelings without being judged to feel that I have the right to do so. 

to be honest those past months I lived in Japan made those scars run even deeper, for the fact that I have too little vocabulary that I always end up keeping all the things I want to say inside , good ones bad ones , I always keep them inside. 

Today marks my forth day not being able to sleep properly at night. 

I end up sleeping near 3 or 4 am to walk up at 7:30 then I go attend my classes here and try my best to wear my best fake smile , and carry on. 

If anyone happened ot read this and if you are afraid that I might do something to myself then don't worry, I don't believe that this life I am living is mine to take it away. I don't believe it is my right to end it when it didn't even start. 

I often call myself a Zombie when I talk to some internet pals , and they think it is an inside fandom joke. they don't know that I don't feel like living in real life, that the only life that I feel is when I talk to them, when I see my favorite Idole my bais smiling and brightly shining. 

It would be so stupid but I do say that the fandom I am in is the family that I was given but not from my blood, those random around the world members gave me more love and more passion than the people I live with under one roof. 

I backed off from writing a blog or anything related to who I am for many times and in many sites, everytime I was convincing myself that I can make it without voicing my fears and demons but I guess somehow at somepoint I needed to get it out of my system. 

just wanted to clear things out . 

peace 

EJ7