there's a reason why i put this up. and it's only for my friends to read. if you're going to read what i'm about to write. you might need to keep an open mind to this. you can judge. but if i think it's too much. i would like you to leave.

i still think that there is something i need to get it out of my heart. it's not anything that has to do with my friends or family. no, it has nothing to do with that. in fact, it's about exo. i was hoping not to write this down here, as it might create a havoc among fans who would think differently of my opinions. so, i beg of you. if you're going to be all pushy about how you're a hardcore exo-l and you're from which era of exo or how they've changed your life... you can stop for one moment and listen to my story instead. you don't know what i've been through...

and of course. you shouldn't continue reading this if you'll be offended by how i put my words. so, please click away and don't even come back.

however...! if you think you are able to take a hit or two by listening to my confession, i would welcome you with a kind &open hug. i enjoy the company of people who empathises... so, one last warning to those who are not going to listen. please stop reading now. and click away.

leave.

​as i'm about start.  

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let me start by saying... i actually knew exo. not well. or personally. but i knew them yet before they even started anything. to put it more blankly, i was one of those people who knew kai (kim jong in) before he debuted. there might be someone out here, who's on the same boat as me. i was hoping to find someone too. but me and my friend (i won't tell you who) were the ones who knew him first, before the beginning of exo , before the teaser even came out. before everything.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL REALLY. BUT I JUST MISS THE TIMES WHEN I COULD STILL HEAR MY FRIEND TALKING ABOUT THEIR CONVERSATIONS ON CHAT BECAUSE I WAS NEVER ONLINE ENOUGH TO GET A CHANCE TO CHAT WITH HIM. WELL, I DID GET A HI FROM chanyeol THOUGH. THAT WAS MORE ABOUT IT. BUT THIS ISN'T THE CASE.​

i'm just a girl from another country who had nothing to do with korea. but, by some chance. i was given this opportunity to know this man that's claiming himself to be part of a entertainment company which i've never heard about. i didn't know anything about k-pop that time. i was a child. all i knew from the tv was doraemon and sailor moon. and probably just celine dion from the music charts and stuff.

i was sort of excited to know that he's a trainee in some famous company when i studied about it. it was fun times when me and friend anticipated his first debut.

so, yes, i knew exo. i knew them before they existed. although this also applies to those who've known him, such as his real life friends, families, crew, boss or anyone like that sort. but i'm a fan. who didn't know who was this exo thing, until i've met one of them in the society. it was a big impact in my life to meet the stars before they even shone. exo became something in my life that isn't something as simple as, "they are my bias(es)...".

i practically grew up with exo. and i grew up with them in a time of my life which has taken the worst turn out of it. i knew them when i wasn't anyone in particular. i was still the innocent me. and with their debut and their fans increasing, my love for them just made a different turn. i love them yes, and i do squeal for their love. but if someone were to ask me if i'm an exo fan. my answer would be, "i don't know anymore."

i don't know how many of you new exo fans even knew about their teasers. but to those who knew, do you remember how kai would dance so beautifully on the waters along with the song my lady? and how he and yixing would dance in two moons? when i first heard of kai. and how he was talking about his teaser. i'm like. oh, so you're just another dancer? would you be as amazing as i thought you would be? the answer turned out to be yes. when i saw his teaser, i fell in love with his style of dancing that so different from others. 

among all the teasers, there was one which became a muse in my life. it was the teaser of lay and sehun. they were both dancing to the song called angel/into your world. the choreography of that dance reminded me of myself, when i still loved to dance. when i still knew how to dance. it was one song which challenged me to dancing again. one song which made me stay faithful to the enjoyment of music. this video i shared is the finalize teaser for that particular song. and it is one heartfelt song that will always be treasure in my heart. not just the dance. not just the music. not just the members from the dance. not just the video. not just kai. but the memory i've had with it.

i am like an open wound when anyone mentions exo to me. no matter how hard i try to think that there are fans out there who are more amazing than me because they've been to their concert and bought all their songs and were faithful from the very start or whatsoever that comes with those points, i will be the one smiling down here, thinking that you are all very very innocent. if you were to know how i've been through my life with exo existing as the muse of my life. you'll be surprised. 

when i was young, i loved piano. i loved music. but because it was an impossible course to take as the fees for this kind of studies take up to thousands. i gave up ... even before i was being told to. i didn't want to be a burden to my family. and i know music is just a hobby. i always thought that. and so, i forgot about my dream for music... but because i knew exo. because i grew up knowing them... i just couldn't let go of music... exo became a string of hope for me to fall in love with dancing and singing. and for the 17 years of my life where i've given up on pursuing music as my life long career, i turned a look back at my love for exo and found again my passion, seeing at how they've lived through my life. exo became an essense for me to love music.

and because of that. i was able to fight for what's given to me. because i know, god loves me. (as he will love you and the world - yes, i'm telling this to you because don't doubt god, no matter from whichever religion you are. coz god is everlasting and loving.) - coz' god gave me this chance to redeem my love for music when i was given a chance to take up music in a goverment university. even so i was doubtful to choose music again as my major studies, but because i had a chance to look back at my happy memories with exo, (as exo was my muse and such.) i was eventually able to take up the challenge to pursue music as my passion.

it might be a beginning, but i always have this push from seeing how exo have become. when i look at yixing, kai and everyone in that silly team of exo, i would make my amends to strive for a higher goal in music. so that i would reach their heights. and never regret what i've fought for. 

in order to sum this up. i can never treat exo the same way as i've did because i am also a musician ... as they have not only become my muse, my idols, my star, or my drive. but what they've become is... my rivals.

therefore, exo is no longer a name of the k-pop group that i'm obssessed with.
no.
exo is one word to describe my heart.

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my friends, if you've read my confession all down to this point... i must first thank you. i doubt that many of you will be satisfied with this explanation i've given in this blog. however... it would take a time machine to explain the whole thing properly.  thus, THIS IS THE BEST I COULD DO WITH the limits of WORDS i have. 

i hope you all have enjoyed this little story of mine. i'm unsure of what would happen now, but i'm still open to hear comments. it's always nice to know what others think of this complicated story.

sincerely, jas.

p.s. if you want to share this post. be my guest. but don't claim it as your own and don't copy & paste. link it back here, please. i would like to see how far this message would go and maybe it'll reach the boys someday.