Today i finished work, got home and my Mum and her partner (Sandra) told me one of our dogs was having a tough time. 

I have three dogs. 

Effy: My dog. A labrador x Staffie. Absolute fruit cake. Lively and bouncy. Erratic but loving...hates other people though she'll just bark at you. We took Effy in as a pub close to home were giving out puppies. Sounds strange but we saved her from going to an alcoholic and she's been my baby since. I think i was 18 when i got her and she'll be about 7 year old now. 

Buddy: I have only had the pleasure of knowing for the past 3 or 4 years. Hes a jack russle. 15 year old and still a lively little man. When my mum and sandra moved in together, this is when he became part of my family. 

Then there is the beauty im writing about. 

Kira. 

Now when we got Kira i was quite young. Still in school (im 24 now and you leave school when you're 16 in england). We already had a dog called Ben (black Labrador) who was poorly. It seemed he gave up on life after his mum, Jessie, died. We scoured the puppy pages hoping a bit of young blood would perk him up. Unfortunatly this wasn't the case and Ben was put down not to long after. He was always grumpy with Kira but to this day she will stare off at black labradors. Now Kira is the biggest dog we have had. She is a Rhodisian Ridgeback x German Shepard. Although i was never her favorite human, that honor went to my mum and brother, we are still pals. Kira is 13. She has been around since i was eleven. She enjoyed rolling in the grass at the park. Playing with Effy. Running with my brother. Long walks with me and mum. She's such a beautiful dog. We always have jokes that she's above us all. She was always so smart, even as a puppy. We barely had to train her, it was like she already knew what we wanted her to do. Above one of her ears she has a misplaced bit of fur. It flicks out and looks a little like a tiny feather peeping out. We have always made jokes that shes an angel. Sent here to try and make us better people. Thats coming from a not very religious family lol. Pushing down the fur telling her "Kira, your feathers are showing, quick hide them!". Shes one of those animals you know have souls. There is no doubt about it, she has lived more lives than any of us. She has been a tear soaker on many occasions. for all of us. Quietly sitting and letting us cry on her. Being a best friend to my mum and brother for many years. 

This morning on my trip to the kitchen for breakfast, there had been an accident. I was left a lovely big presant. Obviously i was not thrilled but its a rare occurance. (as rare as it gets with two old dogs who can't hold it in like they used to) So i went about cleaning it up. I didn't notice there was a large patch of piddle in the living room as i was running late and didnt have time to sit and relax. This was probably the second sign however since she climbed onto my bed early hours of the morning. (i had origionally thought this was Effy as she usually sleeps with me but when i saw Kira struggling to get on, i helped her and went back to sleep not paying much attention to the fact that i had to help her on.) 

When i got home the pieces came together. My mum is very touchy to the mention of Kira's health, shes terrified of losing her. Thats natural and what we understand from her. It's the way she handles things. It was mum that told me Kira has been a bit unwell. This instantly told me one of two things. 1. that everything is fine and she isnt worrying about it or 2. Shes worried and cant get it off her mind. Knowing she saved this information until i finished work so as not to upset me told me it was number 2. 

I have watched, since getting home from work, my lovely old girl, getting older. 

She was panting and her lips a lot (a sign of pain in dogs) and her back legs were shaking as she walked. Her hips seem to have shrunk inward over night and she stumbling alot. We decided to give her some pain medication which...well she was sleeping alot...when she finally woke she drank a ton of water. Sandra then told me she hasn't eaten right in days. Only accepting little bits here and there when we wont shut up about it. Shes been worried but didn't want to upset my mum (who isnt stupid, she would have noticed it too. Nothing gets past her.) Kira didnt accept help off me downstairs (she doesnt trust me quite as much as mum) so mum helped her. This was a sign that she wasn't doing too bad. She was still picky lol. 

Alot of things have been running through my head. Maybe she hurt herself and its just gunna take a few days to recorver. Maybe her season is causing her alot of grief. But it kinda comes down to her age. Big dogs dont handle age as well as little dogs. They have big bodies to haul about and their back ends are usually the first to go. I've worried as i watched her slip and slide. Fall flat on her and her legs fall at odd angles. I am not one to sugar coat things. Not even for myself. It's very obvious she wont be lasting through 2016. 

Now just writing that makes me tear up. I have pushed it back all day. I don't want my mum to feel preassured to care of me when Kira is the one that needs the care and i don't want to be the one to finally say it through actions. 

With this in mind i decided it was time to text my brother. He lives with his girlfriend now and me and sandra didn't know if to text but when we asked mum it was a reply of "It could be nothing we dont have to worry him for no reason." it made sense but the more i thought about it...the more i realised if i was in his position i would want to know. So i texted him and told him her condition and offered "Maybe you should come visit tomorrow? It'll probably pep her up a bit." I sent this at 8pm. By 8:30 he was on the floor cuddling Kira. His girlfriend trying to coax her into eating little pieces of chocolate. That was when it was hardest. My brother, a man of not many words of comfort or even love (unless he has to(not like he doesnt love...he does just quietly)) had rushed over on a busy day, not even texting to say he was going to come, giving just a silent nod to me in understanding. When he finally left hours later (Kira sat happy to cuddle him while waiting for a walk we knew she wouldn't get far on) he must have give her a cuddle goodbye (as he usually would) about a hundred times. I knew he didn't want to leave her just incase but at the moment. We dont know if she will wake up fine tomorrow or worse. 

Kira lasted five minutes of their usually half an hour walk before mum brought her home. Stopping still with sad eyes. You dont need a translator for that kind of look. She usually sleeps downstairs on the sofa, then comes upstairs and eventually goes back down...All day she has followed her routine to the best of her abily without any coaxing. Even though it hurts her she does it. I was taken away from my laptop hearing a thud. Jumping off the bed i see her four stairs up, panting hard and looking at me with relief. I ran down and got behind her. Hoping i could somehow take some weight from her legs to get her up the stairs. She tried to take a step before i could and fell face first into the next step. Even if it didnt hurt, you could see the unease on her face. She didn't understand why it was so hard. She was scared and needed a moment before trying again. I got her most of the way up. lifting her legs to the step for her so she could push. Effy came to check on her, the sad thing is, Kira pushed herself up those last steps so fast. It was like "No Effy, it's fine, dont worry about me, see, im good.". It breaks my heart cause, knowing you will lose a dog soon is bad enough. It's losing a family member. but knowing your other dogs are going to be heart broken is another thing altogether. 

We have a feeding system. Effy and Kira ate in the kitchen and Buddy had his bowl in the living room (Kira and Effy try to steal his food and he doesn't get much of an appitite at the best of times, hes just not a food orientated dog.) Kira didn't want to eat, yet again, and Effy couldn't understand why she wasn't coming down. I left her to eat her dinner and she just followed me. So i went back and told her to eat her dinner, she did. So i moved away again and she followed me. Effy has eaten her dinner next to Kira all her life. Has walked with her everyday of her life. Once i moved her bowl to the living room with buddy and us, she ate. I can't help but worry that when Kira does leave us, How it will effect our forever young Effy. I feel like she will lose her happy spirit. 

I think all of us will. 

For now all we can do is watch and wait. Hopefully she will improve and we will have more time with her. Give her medication if shes in pain and all the hugs and anything shes willing to eat. I presume soon we will take her to the vets. Mum and sandra dont have the money for this. We barely scape by on a weekly basis. All my spending is put on hold for now. 

I can't help anyone from hurting if it does come to the worst but i can help with the cost if we have to get her more medication, vet bills or...other things. 

I'm lucky enough to have a great group of friends and an amazing girlfriend. My girlfriend has been patient with my moods and inablity to communicate all day and has been as amazing and lovely as ever. My absolute rock. My best friend has offered finacial help if needed (even though i know she cant afford it) and has even taken it upon herself to get in contact with the local vets to enquire about prices and what they add up to in multiple scenarios so i can work hard and prepare for anything that comes. Cause at times like these no one wants to worry about money. It's bad enough having your heart broken. 

Keep your fingers cross for us? Pray? Witchcraft? ill take anything at the moment. 

TLDR i know but i needed to vent and this was the fastest and easiest way to do it. 

-exhale-