Hello! Hi?

Well, it a late New Year Greeting but it's just the sixth day of the year. So, Happy New Year! \o/

I've been thinking so much about all things that have happened or still happening in my life right now. It's the new year but I still feel the same. Somehow the euphoria just ended like that when I woke up on a bed at my uncle's house, staring the same ceiling just like my home. I always think that the great thing about new year is the hours, minutes, and seconds through the new year itself. When the clock ticked after 12, I wished my families new year and spent the time to call my other relatives at the other side of the world. Which part I liked about new year? That's the part. The dinner on New Year Eve and the fact that we wait with our loved ones (which in my case always happened to be my families. I have not experience the new year with someone I like /help/ lol).

But the morning on 1st January is always the same. I woke up in bed, yet again thinking it was just the same repetitive days. The only things remind me that's new year is the new calendar. The new one that we will tore repetitively every new days. I do feel grateful to God who gives me a new day and gives me a chances to start again, learn something new and meet new people, but I always feel upset at myself that I actually, the one who responsible with my life, always do nothing to make a change. That's always been the same thing I have for a concern. I'm gonna be 20 this year yet I still feel so stagnan. I feel that way yet I'm afraid to do something new. I'm always afraid of rejection, the thought of I'm not doing well enough, and the thought of failing. I'm gonna be 20 yet I feel I have accompolished nothing. I have no one to blame but my ownself. 

It's new year, 2016, I'm gonna turn 20 and I can not find courage. I don't really like to talk about my uni life with my parents because they just listen and I, too, wasn't a kid who'll talk about my concerns to my parents. I just realized that when writing this. When I thought again about my high school year, I struggled on my own. I always think to solve it own my own and now I realized that I never talked about my fear and things. I think that was because I didn't want to bother them more. They have enough problem to think about our economic condition and all, and I don't really want to add more burdens.

Wow. Why do I just realized that now? I think I know myself but no.

In 2015, I learned so much just like the previous years, but I feel 2015 thaught so much.

First. University life is not easy. The moment I write this, I could portrayed every lecturers and senior laughing and said, 'who said it would be easy? HAHA'. Oh well, I wished it would be easy. I mean, just like high school I could study the day before and still get a good mark. In university, it's impossible if I want an A. Unless I want to learn 24 hours/day and get cerebral hemorrhage. No, I don't want.

The hardest was so far was my recent semester, which contained so many projects and horrible exams that I decided to not look at the results until the semester break ends. I thought of giving up so many times and sometimes hating my parents for asking me to take this major. You see I didn't want where to go either and I'm so lost about my path. But as the time flies, I started to open my eyes and my mind. As the 3rd semester continues, I somehow found motivation and support from our lecturers. That has made me realized that our parents want the best for us. Many thoughts had crossed my mind. Like their unspoken wishes for me, amount of moneys they earn so hard and spent it on my tuition, what would I be if I give up now and those thoughts that are unanswered now. 

Those thoughts were the things that kept me going when I thought of giving up. And so it leads to the second point.

The other thing, 2015 have thought me: I can't give up because I'm still young. I need to live my life whether I like it or not, because if I gave up my future will be very uncertain. Even when I don't my future is uncertain enough, I couldn't imagine if i give up now. 

Life sometimes is a battle against yourself. It challenges you, if you quit you lose. If you go on, you win. Because a winner never quits and a quitter never wins. It was the motto that helps me, too.

The things ahead may be hard, but I don't need to think that now. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble on its own." (Matt 6:34)

Happiness is your own choice. Choose to be happy and you'll be. If you're grateful about small things, you automatically will be blessed and happy.

xx, Ells.

(I wish I wouldn't feel so stagnan anymore.)