Annyeong jingu-deul! This is liyumekdi. Please read this short essay for me and comment. Feel free to inform me if there are grammar mistakes or poor word choices. Be extremely sensitive. Thanks friends! SARANGHAEYEO!!!

The Moment That Changed My Life Forever

“His selfishness and arrogance wronged my life!” That was my ideology back then, at the time when I was not mature enough to realize my father’s suffering, before the instance I experienced an excruciating fatal agony. The very moment when his blood gushed, slithered and eroded the pebbly ground, staining the squeaky clean floor scarlet and death when he was shot numerous times wronged my life completely. It wasn’t very extensive for me to understand that his presence was like an air. Just like they say ‘you won’t understand the presence of a person unless he leaves you.’ Instead, the only and lone person who caused huge grief to Father from the start was no one other than me. Only if I had listened to him, only if I had given him the love he was longing for, he wouldn’t have ended up in a daunting, isolated grave. At least he would have rested in peace.

He was selfish and self-centered and wanted to maintain a good name. Life meant prominence to him and nothing else. Dignity and respect was something he sought after to keep while he was living quite an egocentric and good life.  And for his selfishness to be prolonged in exchange for his affection, I believed it would have been good to sustain for what he desired solely and make him pleased. On the contrary he was never happy for the things I had always done or said. I constantly worked my butts off for him, so that I could win points and that he would be satisfied. But the mere things he would say was that I only worsened matters and everything would be normal if I stayed put. I guess all those efforts never worked on him, they were all invisible and futile. I only felt remorse and despise towards him, hatred within all my might. Alas, I was wrong at that time and these feelings never exist now, after my apperception of how much he loved me and that I was the fact who hatched his death.

“I wanted to protect you” that was the last thing I’ve been said. That was what he stated, words filled with simplicity and insincerity. Why would he say that if he was going to die? He should have proven it to me while he was alive and breathing. He promised me at the hospital he would live and is young enough to die. Then, why give up existing if he said so? He made a blameworthy mistake, leaving my forsaken self alone in the shivering wide pitiless world. You should have stayed with me, dad. Your lack of presence is killing me. Your absence of breath is boring a wide hole in my heart, I thought you felt it too, which turns out to be near your depressing lack of concern. The house seems cold without him, like a bachelor whichever I never realized it would be like this without his existence.

What am I supposed to do now about my baby sister? She’s not aware of her father’s death yet, inquiring why I’m crying 24/7 with constant tears, smiling innocently before my eyes. Oh how I wish to be her, hiding under someone’s embrace, with no worry, not having to experience a sudden strike of soreness. It is the lone me who is unlucky in all his ways, all family responsibility kept in the hands of me, bearing the miseries and grief the world has to cause to its creature. Has life always been this harsh? I worry too much wearing myself out, indecisive for whom to give away my little sister, uncertain whether I have to live in this cruel world or not. I shouldn’t have been the one to worry about all this dad, you should have been there with me.

How much more I have to suffer, I wondered. With how much pain am I supposed to swell my heart?  Well, I got the answer I longed from the doctor. I don’t have to worry about that anymore since it’s now my turn to lie in bed and apologize restlessly and enthusiastically to make up for what I did, I’m not capable of living much longer after all. It’s way beyond my capacity for my heart to handle. Way beyond my ability to cry, way beyond my reach to meet father. He should have stayed with me, he should have been there sharing my burden and feeling it with me. That’s what fathers are for. It’s painful after all one or the other I doubt if he had experienced it at all. How did my life turn into a complete mess? Since when did I have to fight deep sorrow which adults are bout for? I unambiguously understand it now, I never understood or tried to give consideration to Father’s pain and brazenly pointed mistakes on him. Rather, it has always been me who have been selfish and ignorant. I never came to realize how my father’s presence benefited me a lot. I crave for his forgiveness, which is too hard to seek and way out of my reach. After all that happened, I’ve come to a well defining conclusion. Until quite some time, I’ve been thinking that your selfishness was responsible for my sadness this whole time, but after your death, I’ve come to learn that you were and always the meaning of my life. The dignity you were seeking was for my own respect. Your arrogance would have much been better than your death. The reason my life changed forever is you.

So, what do you think? Does the title suit the story? Your help will help me a lot so please... <33333333333333